Passive Aggressive

I have to figure something out, which is why I'm posting here. :)

I am not passive aggressive.

Yet I did manage to utter passive aggressive sentences at least twice during my conversations with a potential boyf…no…suito….dating partner?

And on Saturday, I did it again, and he was quick to let me know that he didn't think we should date because he couldn't be in a relationship with 'someone who does stuff like that'.

What?

At first, I automatically assumed there is something deeply wrong with me. Lol and there is, that's what I go to meetings for.

But then I started to wonder -- I'm usually an upfront, straightforward person…could I really be a caricature of a woman of the stereotypical manipulative variety? Is this a truth about me that's hard to swallow, or was there something about this person's personality that I reacted to in that way for some reason?

I think I'm going to go with option B…although this guy seemed perfect for me, there was something about him that I reacted to in this way. I felt uncomfortable around him and incapable of just being myself. So in what alternate universe would I think that meant he was 'perfect' for me? (Insane thought #1) How could he be perfect for me when I felt afraid to say what was on my mind most of the time?

I think he reminded me or Mr. Wrong, whom I always used to walk on eggshells around. Mr. Wrong would often surprise me by taking something that I thought was said clearly in jest, and getting his panties in a bunch over it. I used to check myself regularly with friends to see if what I said was truly asinine or if he was overreacting.

Yet I have to wonder - usually, if a person gets the same type of reaction from more than one person, it's because there really is something wrong with him/herself. She or he is the common denominator, so the problem must stem from him or her. Perhaps I'm insensitive?  It would not surprise me.

This guy and I had a lot in common because we come from similarly dysfunctional backgrounds. His mom is a royal b*tch, apparently, whose favorite past time used to be putting him down. Dude's in therapy and has been for most of his life because of it. I guess he's always had a weight problem too, which isn't surprising.

One time he called me after 'finishing eating Girl Scout cookies'. Which I took to mean that he'd probably eaten a box of them. The particular version that he was gnoshing on is the cardboard, diet-friendly version. So I made some jokes about it being papery-tasting, etc., and I don't think he took kindly to those jokes.

Then there was the time that I called him one night and I was just cracking some jokes, and he took it as me 'picking' on him. What? And I assumed that I was the jerk. I apologized profusely, but I felt it was a red flag.

There was also a sense of grandiosity about him…that part is hard to explain though. He casually mentioned that he was thinking about marketing some steak rub that he makes. And that he wanted to learn woodworking so he could build 'humidors' and bird houses. I guess, more than anything, he reminded me of me in this regard. He reminded me of what I used to be like. And occasionally, what I probably am still like.

And why do I feel compelled to dissect this in such minute detail? I'm not quite sure. Probably because I didn't like being labeled as passive-aggressive and by extension, subtly dishonest (even though dishonesty is one of my character defects!). But I'm usually a straightforward liar :o). 'No I didn't do that." When in fact I did. Purposely. "No I didn't steal pop out of the filching fridge, of course not." Yes I did. With thoughts about how to appear casual about it. :)

I think this really has more to do with my growing doubts about this whole dating thing…about not being truly ready for it yet because I'm too focused on it. There. I said it. I'm obsessing about it, constantly thinking about getting a boyfriend. Why do I feel so disgusted about that?

Most of the time, I feel that I would be happier about this whole dating thing if I was just thinner and more attractive. THEN I could keep a man around, right? Why the hell do I need to keep a man around, when, before I started dating again, I felt just ducky hanging out with friends every weekend or even being alone? Because I've fallen into the same pattern I was in before.

This is why the Serenity prayer asks for courage to change the things I can…because the only thing you can change in this world is yourself. You can't change what others do, you can only accept things as they are or not accept them, and then take appropriate action. Changing yourself is hard work, and it doesn't happen on your own clock - it happens when it's supposed to happen. Accepting that it's not going to go faster just because you want it to is difficult. Changing myself opens a can full of writhing fears…fear of whether I can do it, whether I can sustain the changes I make, etc.

We were going to go the 'friends' route. But now that I think about it, why would I give a rip about being friends with that guy? I hardly know him. It's stupid. And it's not like he cares about me.

I could spend my time in much better ways. This is just plain stupid. I think the main reason I wanted to keep talking to him was to convince him over time that he was wrong and thereby convince myself that he was wrong…yet that seems idiotic, considering that  he is not my god. Why am I allowing his opinion of me to bother me so much? I'm hingeing my worth on whether some guy that I hardly know likes me?

This is so frickin stupid.

Today

I'm not sure if I hate my job or hate myself for being unable to care about it. : )

I'm like the guy in Office Space, the one who brazenly admitted to the efficiency creeps that he only does just enough to avoid getting fired. Today, I STRONGLY identify with him.

We got snow dumped on us and this morning I thought to myself, "Oh great. Now I have an excuse to be late. I think I'll actually iron my shirt." And then I took my sweet time doing so. 

What happened to the times when I was happy and enjoyed showing up every day, on time? I confess I'm not feeling that way now. I'm feeling more of the "I don't give a fig" attitude creeping up on me. I think I'm just tired of being a secretary.

And I'm exhausted today, even though I went to bed fairly early…midnight lol. I guess that's not early when you're thirty. I was going to work through lunch and then decided I was not going to make it through the day if I did that and that I would need to go home and get a nap in. Then I went and overslept and came back to the building on fire.

Just kidding. It was more like my ginormous print job got stuck, backed up everyone else's print jobs, and caused my failure to go to lunch during my assigned lunch hour to be noticed, as well as my failure to even get back to work on time from my belated lunch hour. Soooo I was politely grilled by my supervisor upon my return. Nothing personal, really, except that I personally did in fact screw up big time and cause this day particular day to be going down in flames.

No great philosophical conclusions are presenting themselves to me today, except that I'd better get back to my normal self before I find myself unemployed. Why can't I just accept that, for right now, I am a secretary, that this is my job, so I just need to do it well and stop whining or find a solution?

I'm thinking about that story in the Big Book…the magic magnifying glasses…that I can magnify whatever I decide to focus on. I could magnify the fact that this job supports my daughter and I. I could magnify the fact that I have good friends here. I could magnify the fact that I get paid well here. That I live less than ten minutes away. These little facts don't seem to add up to nine hours of satisfaction every day though. Mostly, they add up to about one good hour, which usually spans the same time as my lunch hour.

By Itself, This is Chilling...

I was reading through my NY Times email this morning and this was the quote of the day:

"It won't stop us."
- VICE PRESIDENT  DICK CHENEY, on CNN, discussing the Senate Foreign Relations Committee's
approval of a resolution opposing President Bush's plan to
send more troops to Iraq.

That sounds kinda chilling, don't you think? It sounds like something Darth Vader would say. "Nothing can stop me and the Emperor, cause soon we'll be able to destroy whole PLANETS! So there, cinnamon-roll biatch!!!!" Of course, I'm paraphrasing. Darth would defnitely say it in a more elegant, archaic, bone-chilling way. He also didn't appear to be fond of cussing…

In other news, my meatloaf turned out really well last night. : )

Adoption

My munchkin at this point has no legal parents. She is adrift in the Foster Care system, technically speaking.

Yes, I know she's not really adrift. Her future is 99% assured. Our case has moved to the adoption unit.

My sister relinquished her rights to D on January 11. D's father's rights were terminated by court order the next day. He's got 30 days to appeal, but that's highly unlikely, as he has not a leg to stand on. He didn't show up for any court dates and actually skipped town soon after the whole thing began. I'm not even sure where he is, except to say that he might be in the state of California.

I know I want to adopt D, but sometimes I find myself thinking of ways that this cup may pass from me. I'm signing up for a long row to hoe. I was reminded of that last night when D started acting up. Earlier that day, she had asked me if I was her foster mom. I gleefully replied, "No, I'm just your mom. I'm going to be your mom forever." This was selfish on my part. D wasn't ready for that, I just wanted to feel the joy of saying it.

So D was tense all day yesterday, which left me tense too. And when I get tense with her, it results in a raised voice and easy frustration.

My sponsor would probably say that I'm frustrated and tense because I haven't made my eigth step list yet. All the people whom I owe amends to are bouncing around up in my head, and they need to come out on paper so they can stop bouncing around up there. I don't necessarily feel the self-loathing and shame that I once did over many of the things I did - I just want to go back to those people and do my amends. Though I'm not keen on paying my ex about $4,000.00 for letting that POS car get repo'd. :o( But I will do the right thing and offer to do so. Hmmm…too bad I don't have $4,000. I'm sure he'll take payments.

Next up - potential date this weekend. A large part of me says, 'Why are you bothering with this? You're too selfish to be in a relationship.'

FW: Just so you know the truth, a not what the spinmeisters have spun...

I don't like these kinds of articles.

 

This piece of writing is a nice piece of propaganda for the uneducated, ignorant American. But to anyone who has a computer, you can go to Snopes.com and find out that most everything in this article is untrue.

 

I think what I disagree with most about this article is not even the factual errors. What I disagree with most is the idea of prejudging someone because of their religion. I don't like the idea that Muslims should not be allowed to hold positions of power in this country simply because they are Muslim. Not every Muslim supports the idea of destroying America.

 

This reminds me of what Catholics used to have to deal with in this country. I'm Catholic, so I'm not down with treating someone that way because of their religion.

 

Now I'm not perfect. I have to admit that the very mention of the word Muslim or Islam does generate some fear in me. It's been drilled into our subconscious that Muslims are violent, Muslims want to kill Americans and anyone else who isn't Muslim. It's the violent Muslims who get press, not the non-violent, everyday Muslim. Just like it's the pedophiliac Catholic priests who get press, not the everyday, charitable Catholic. You don't hear about how, when you go to Catholic school, your religion class tries hard to instill a social conscience in you. All you hear about is that if you're a prepubescent boy, or even postpubescent, you better not set foot in a confessional.

 

I usually just delete this stuff, but I couldn't stand it. I had to write the sender and gently tell them that I'm not down with this sh*t and please don't send articles like this. How could I just read this and let silence indicate agreement? I couldn't.

---

Sent: Tuesday, January 16, 2007 7:55 PM
Subject: Just so you know the truth, a not what the spinmeisters have spun...

Barack Hussein Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii, to Barack  Hussein
> Obama Sr. (black muslim) of Nyangoma-Kogelo, Siaya District, Kenya,  and
> Ann Dunham of Wichita, Kansas. (white atheist ).
> When Obama was two  years old, his parents divorced and his father
> returned to Kenya. His mother  married Lolo Soetoro -- a Muslim -- moving
> to Jakarta with Obama when he was  six years old. Within six months he
> had learned to speak the Indonesian  language Obama spent "two years in a
> Muslim school, then two more in a  Catholic school" in Jakarta. Obama
> takes great care to conceal the fact that  he is a Muslim while admitting
> that he was once a Muslim, mitigating that  damning information by saying
> that, for two years, he also attended a  Catholic school. Obama's father,
> Barack Hussein Obama, Sr. was a radical  Muslim who migrated from Kenya
> to Jakarta, Indonesia. He met Obama's mother,  Ann Dunham-a white atheist
> from Wichita, Kansas-at the University of Hawaii  at Manoa. Obama, Sr.
> and Dunham divorced when Barack, Jr. was two. Obama's  spinmeisters are
> now attempting to make it appear that Obama's introduction  to Islam came
> from his father and that influence was temporary at best. In  reality,
> the senior Obama returned to Kenya immediately following the divorce  and
> never again had any direct influence over his son's education.  Dunham
> married another Muslim, Lolo Soetoro who educated his stepson as a  good
> Muslim by enrolling him in one of Jakarta's Wahabbi schools.  Wahabbism
> is the radical teaching that created the Muslim terrorists who are  now
> waging Jihad on the industrialized world. Since it is  politically
> expedient to be a Christian when you are seeking political office  in the
> United States, Obama joined the United Church of Christ to help  purge
> any notion that he is still a Muslim.  

Now That There's an End in Sight...

I can't wait to get away from Malignant Presence.

She annoys the heck out of me, butts her head in where it doesn't belong, and gossips about every bloody thing she can.

It really bothers me that she checks with me to see if I've done my job. Who is she to do so? She's not a supervisor, she's basically no one. Today, she checked with me to see if I've ordered food for a client visit taking place tomorrow. I hadn't yet, but had planned to do so. Those client visits get cancelled so often that it usually doesn't pay to work on them too far ahead, unless there's printing and binding involved.

But, honestly, what's really bothering me here?

Does it really bother me that she's checking on my work when it's none of her business? Or does it bother me that I did in fact wait too long to order that stuff? Does it bother me that I have presented the kind of image that says, "I need to be babysat because I am not very dedicated to this job"?

It's probably a mix of both, but the latter is the worse of the two.

You may wonder what the end in sight is…I will explain later :)

Not Such a Hot Day

Let's see…zits everywhere today. Including one little jewel RIGHT on the TIP of my nose. Is there a worse place for a zit to appear than the tip of one's nose? I don't think so.

And let's not forget the one on my chin…

….and the one on the side of my face.

They're just everywhere, and they make me feel frickin fugly.

Then there's the ever-present headache and stuffy nose.

Oh, and I had to eat crow today because I haven't been honest. So that didn't feel good, but then, in a way, it did feel pretty good. Redemption and all that. There's a lot to be said for rigorous honesty. I wish I could really figure out how to practice it! Sometimes I find myself saying whatever I think will shut someone up before I'm even thinking! It saved me from many a beating as a kid, but it's not really helping me now!

D got up at four bloody am this morning and decided that her Singulair was candy and so she was going to have some. I heard her trying to open the bottle and scrambled my butt into the bathroom, because I *knew* that noise wasn't right. There she was with Singulair pills all over the floor. Now I felt guilty about her having gotten up before me, but is that really accurate? Cause folks, we're talking about FOUR AM. What parent expects that kind of stuff to happen? I guess the answer is - lock that stuff up. But how much stuff can I frickin lock up? I can't lock up EVERYTHING! Oh and she also had out a chef's knife and had cut an onion in half that she wanted me to cook. Don't let me forget to mention that she urinated and defecated on the living room floor in rebellion after I became angry with her for trying to munch on Singulair. Or was that because she lives with me, the Devil Incarnate, instead of her Venerated Mother? Not sure which. I'm pretty sure that the chewable motrin was going to be her next option once she finished devouring the Singulair.

GAWD! SWEET BABY JESUS! I JUST WANT SOME F*CKIN SLEEP!

Did I mention that her mom relinquished rights last Thursday and they're STILL doing visits? And that my would-be daughter, when I expressed displeasure that she is sh*tting in her own nest, expressed right back to me that she doesn't really live with me?!

Right now I'd like to strangle my sister for planting that notion in her head, I'd like to strangle her caseworker for allowing these ridiculous visits to continue, especially since my sister's house has trash and crap all over the place (it's awful!) and ESPECIALLY since how the heck are we going to get permanency going if she is STILL being confused by seeing her mom left and right?

Next up - my stupid sister's request that I notify her every time D goes to the doctor? Hello! D could go to the doctor for a sniffle, people. Why should I notify her of that, since she's powerless to do anything about it? Now if D is going to the ER or is in a really dangerous situation, I would notify her of that, just as you would notify your family of that stuff normally. I tried to be really gentle while I said no to her. The woman just relinquished her rights on Thursday. I know she's still hurting.

Weird...

So Christmas Eve 2006 was horrid. I got stomach flu or some weird ailment. Basically, I was throwing up left and right for about 13 hours, until my mother, an angel of mercy, went and got me some medicine that my doctor had called in. I was never so eager in my life to stick something up my rear end.

Anyway, that evening, we had been invited over to one of my directors' house to spend Christmas Eve with him, his wife, and their daughter. We went over and I had no idea I was going to be throwing up like that. I spent most of the time on their couch or in their downstairs bathroom, puking my guts out. I felt like the worst guest in the world. They ended up having to drive us home because I definitely could not drive.

But what is weird about it is this. Today he came back to work and I was talking with him a little bit about it and he urged me to not tell anyone that I was at his house. I can't figure out why being friends with me or having any association with me outside of work should be so covert. There is no impropriety whatsoever and I kind of find it disheartening. I was so shocked when he said to me, "You didn't tell anyone, right? I mean, you probably said you were sick, but not…"

And I knew he was saying he didn't want anyone to know that we had been to his family's house. I was kind of shocked, so I just agreed that I hadn't told anyone. Of course, prior to this, I didn't realize he wanted that kept confidential, so I hadn't really made an effort to not say where I was when all this horror started. So I did in fact tell a couple of people, but not very many. So basically I just told a lie. Dangit. I should've just been honest, but what difference does it really make?

I mean, is it one of those situations where someone talks trash about you behind your back but is nice to you to your face? Is this office incredibly political? Is it just because I'm not an equal? Is it to avoid the appearance of impropriety? I don't know. I guess I can just believe the latter option - avoiding the appearance of impropriety. After all, I can choose to believe stuff that will hurt me or stuff that won't hurt me. Why not choose to believe something that won't hurt?

Even so, I just think it's weird.

Rosie v Donald

Rosie 1
Donald 0

Donald Trump is totally making an a$z out of himself over this. The things he's saying about Rosie O'Donnell are absolutely uncalled for. He actually called her a slob. Why is she a slob? Because she's not blonde and not thin? Because she's not a high-maintenance woman? I wonder what that creep with the combover would think of me?

Cussing

So I'm working here at my cubicle and exclaiming, "What the he||?" out loud as my loverly Christian supervisor walks by. And she goes, "Excuse me?" And shortly thereafter I get a lecture about how I shouldn't talk like that at work and how it's unprofessional.

"Everyone in this office talks like that and worse and we're supposed to be different because we're women and we're secretaries?" Oh my God, Napoleon's mouth is like a veritable sewer and the people who report to him aren't much different. I actually once witnessed a salesperson utter the word pu$$y in a meeting. In a MEETING! In front of poor Supervisor!

"No, it's because you report to me."

Well I'm terribly sorry, but I'm not some gentle southern lady and I'm not a devout Christian and I will talk any dang way I please!

Actually, no I won't. I probably will continue to mutter the word 'mother(tr)ucker' under my breath at my desk but that's about it. I'm just being whiney and irritated because I'm sick and can't seem to just get well. And I have this date on Saturday and am getting more and more nervous that it's going to be a big fat waste of time with some touchy-feely, silent, boring, horse-faced knitwit.

God I'm touchy today. I wish I could just shut my stupid fat trap and stop saying retarded things to people! Now I'm going to have to go and make amends to my supervisor for talking back to her instead of respecting her VERY REASONABLE wishes!!!!

Dating and Trepidation

So I met someone online. We talked for a while and he asked me out. I said yes.

Did you ever notice that when you say that you met someone online, people look at you like you must secretly have elephant man's disease and therefore can't get a man any other way?

Well they might be looking at me that way because I had/have an unhealthy habit of going online, finding people to go out with and then ignoring every other dang thing in my life in the search for 'the one'.

I'm not sure that I've completely shed that habit, but there is a different feel to the whole dating thing. I don't feel desperate like I used to. My sponsor said, however, that when we're first in recovery and we try to attempt doing something for the first time while in recovery, we have a tendency to go back to our old habits, at least at first. And she said that our shame often tells us that we better latch onto whatever we can get when it comes to relationships, and she's fairly sure that there is at least some of that going on here.

I think there is a good chance that she's right. Ok, a good chance? How about, she's right? While I don't feel desperate to find someone right now, and I find the idea of a full-blown relationship to be something that I look at with trepidation, I am in fact starting to date three months before my year is up. I did in fact seek this.

Hmmm, how about some _really_ raw honesty? I did what a lot of lonely folks do late at night when the kid's asleep and they feel listless…I sought out the comfort and thrill of that lovely invention…the Chat Room. Flirt all you want. Be effervescent! Most people are in another state, so you almost never need fear that that fun, flirty, phantom persona will ever impinge on your space. And sure enough, you sit there long enough, someone's bound to message you. Most of the time, that someone is looking for something you don't want to give, but occasionally, you might get someone in your state who's not just looking for _that_. And that's how this guy came across me.

And, oh, the people who are just dying to show their bits off to anyone who's willing to look. That's troublingly amazing to me.

I think it'll be fun to go out on a date with someone. It'll be fun to meet someone new. It will be fun to test the waters. See what's out there. But after I go out with this guy, I don't know if there will be date number two. He seems nice, but there's something that's not tripping my trigger…like that he's asking me what my views on marriage (do I want to get married? Etc. etc.) are or how many kids I want. And kinda going on about how he's got his master's degree now and he plans to get another job, probably in Kansas City and is ruthlessly ambitious, bent on having wife, kids, house, dog, and phD by age 50 (or did he say 40)?

For the first time, I don't have an answer as to how many kids I want. I don't know if I want to be married again. Were I to get married again, I don't know what kind of ceremony I'd want. Don't you decide those things when you actually are in that place in your life? Don't you decide that with your partner?

Well, I don't know. God it would suck if I ended up wasting a Saturday evening on someone who can't open their mouth to save their life in person. Or whom I found repulsive in person.

Ok, why am I doing this again? LOL

Say it Ain't So!!

Did Keith Urban really cheat on Nicole Kidman?

It seems a little stupid to add my two cents to such a thing, but would it really be surprising if he did? Here's some food for thought - how can you tell an addict's lying?

Their lips are moving.

I know that's how I was. Sometimes it's still hard to shake that dishonesty but I don't do the things I used to do. Now it's more like little white lies. Still trying to stop that too. But maaaaaaaaan, when I was married? I didn't cheat but I sure did lie my a$z off. About money, about this, about that. Didn't help that he was a control freak, but nevertheless, I was still lying.

Part of me is like, how can I listen to all that wonderful music knowing that he was cheating on his wife? Another part of me is like, who cares? The music is still the music, and it's still good music. And I don't sit and think about how happy HIS life is, was, or will be, or whatever when I listen to it. I think of mine. Songs like "Raining on Sunday" and "Making Memories of Us" make me think of how cool it would be to be loved like that. Songs like "You'll Think of Me" make me think of relationships lost and whatnot.

So it's too bad if he did cheat on her. I feel bad for her.

But I will still keep buying his CDs. Cause they're d*mn good.

Beauty Pagent BS

Wow, at least three beauty pageant women are getting tarred and feathered lately. The latest is Miss USA Nevada, Katie Rees, over some photos taken of her five years ago.

I can't help but think that if she were a man, no one would care about her sexuality, drinking alcohol, or flirting at parties. I think it's ridiculous that these women are taking such a beating for things that men do all the time. Granted, they knew what was expected going in, but so what? Maybe those expectations are just a little bit ridiculous, especially when you're talking about women in their early 20s and younger.

How to Convincingly Call in Sick When You're Not

Now, a little disclaimer on this. I don't really do this anymore. But I used to....alllllll the time.

So the 'tips' they offer are...
1. Know your illnesses. If you claim a migraine, know that there are two types - cluster and classic. Might help to know the difference between them.

2. Claiming Lyme disease is handy? How the hell do you even get Lyme disease? But they say this is handy because one symptom is irritability.

3. Apparently, conjunctivitis and irritable bowel syndrome are good too. No one wants to hear about that shit. Let me add regular diarrhea and vomiting. People hate that too. And the more delicate you try to be about the symptoms, the more authentic you look. Allows you to avoid shooting yourself in the foot by trying to fill every man, woman, and child in on how you were worshipping the porcelain god yesterday. 'The lady doth protest too much' is what you should keep in mind here.

4. Call in with your excuse to a coworker early, before the boss arrives, and clear your throat for five minutes beforehand and hold your nose as you speak. One thing I can add here - skip the coworker, call your supervisor's voicemail at 3am. Or perhaps 5am. If you start taking medications at 3am, symptoms can still clear up. Make sure to be on top of your work - you can still look conscientious.

5. Never make up anything you might need to prove, like a doctor's appointment or trip to the ER.

6. Only do this two or three times a year.

7. Remember your lie.

I think one thing that I can add is - don't frickin go anywhere. I once had a coworker who called in sick because she hated her job, and she went shopping at Wal-Mart. Someone spotted her there and turned her ass in. She spent some time in the boss's office trying to save her job and from that point on, was healed of her deceptions, lol.

If you DO go somewhere, you better keep an eye out. You're just asking for trouble. You might want to think about headscarves, ginormous sunglasses, hats, stuff like that. Any time that I feel like I *must* take a mental health day, I try to avoid going anywhere. If I have a ton of personal stuff to get done, I try as hard as possible to arrange a day to do it. Unexpected days off are a bad idea. I now try to avoid them as much as possible. In fact, I've called in with bullshit so many times that I actually feel good when I call in, because I'm really sick. Legitimacy in the midst of misery can be a good feeling.

For Today

'You find in solitude only what you take to it'

- Juan Ramon Jimenez

If I force preconceived notions onto a problem, what can I learn? To learn something new, I need an open mind,  a trusting mind which can wander into places that once frightened me.

Rather than suppress thoughts and feelings, it is better to give them a good airing, to look at them in the clear light of day. Unattended, hidden feelings, like illusions, once defeated me. Today, I know that feelings cannot hurt me as long as I'm willing to look at them and see them for what they are.

FOR TODAY: What I bring to my moments of solitude, when I look inward at my feelings and attidues, is self-honesty and openmindedness.

Hmmmm….

Winter Spread et al

I'm not sure if it's just Winter Spread going on, but lots of people here are bulking up. There's one VP whose chest appendages keep getting closer and closer to her waist because they are growing in size. And then there's Twiggy. Whom I must now re-name Malignant Presence because she is no longer Twiggy. Another name for her might be BGB, or Baby Got Back.

And then there's my friend who had gastric bypass surgery and is now starting on the slow road back to where she was. I hope her disease is arrested at some point. I think my heart might break for her if she gained all that weight back after the extraordinary lengths she went to in order to get it off of her, including a blod clot and a tummy tuck. I tried to offer Overeaters Anonymous to her, but she wasn't willing at the time, so of course I dropped it like a hot potato. She said something lame about how she wasn't offended because when she had gastric bypass, she thought that her solution was what would be best for everyone else too. That, however, is not how I think. She might benefit from OA, but OA is not the solution for everyone. It's just the solution for people who are using food as a drug. And even if that's the case, it's still not necessarily the solution. There are other iterations of Program that work for people. I'm just carrying the message that she's not alone and gently at that. I'm not shoving OA down anyone's throat, as we all know that addicts detest that. : ) Which is why we don't recruit. Attraction, not promotion.

I went out with a couple of friends on Saturday night and we looked at Christmas lights in the ritzy 'hoods. It was a blast. I had one beer at dinner that night and I can't believe the effect it had on me. I was so, I don't know, relaxed? No, that wasn't relaxed. My personality became a little muted. I'm not sure how I feel about that…not sure that it was a good feeling at all. Getting buzzed or whatever doesn't have the appeal for me that it once had.

As for my Program, I went out with my mom yesterday and did not overeat. I stood up for my boundaries and asked my mother to please not include my sister, as that would quickly turn into a disaster. And that disaster would last until Tuesday, as Munchkin would be acting out for at least, at LEAST three days, if not more. She has just gotten her sanity back after a week of vicious acting out, so I don't want to mess with that. Plus I'm not sure how I feel about this 'happy family' act. Things are NOT normal, hello! And is there anyone in the world who's better at driving me crazy than my sister?

It's funny how my perceptions of her have changed. I used to feel so sorry for her…sometimes I still do. Most of the time, though, I am mindful of how manipulative and controlling she really is.

We sang Christmas carols and I soon found myself feeling like I was ten feet tall because this couple is intent on spreading joy. They are extremely complimentary. Their relationship is so beautiful, it makes me wish to find someone like that. Actually, I've seen a lot of beautiful relationships in Program. Whether it's my friend Angie and her husband Dave or it's Kari and Angel, it is beautiful to see two people respecting and considering each other…most of the time lol. I'm not over-romanticizing their relationships - I'm sure they fight. But the part that I see is beautiful.

Why Men Cheat

Part of my reaction is, 'Who cares why men or anyone cheats? The why doesn't matter."

Yet we know that, of course, it matters.

What is my Idea of Happiness?

I don't know. I just thought that was an interesting question from my For Today book.

Since I am trying to stay focused in today, I guess I can only answer what my idea of happiness is today. And I think my idea of happiness must be only things that I have control over - not things like 'munchkin will turn into a happy child'.

Happiness is clean clothes; clean clothes that are easily sorted through and that all fit. They should be clean and folded or hung.

Happiness is a non-cluttered home that indeed feels like a home and not a warehouse.

Happiness is treating myself well - eating healthfully but not like I'm on a diet and taking care of myself.

Happiness is avoiding doing things that will cause me to have to make amends later.

Happiness is staying calm when I am in a tense situation.

Happiness is being satisfied with the way that I have handled things.

Happiness is being honest with myself.

Happiness is found through my Higher Power, through Good Orderly Direction, by listening to the voice of reason in the midst of my compulsivity or in the midst of not otherwise specified chaos.

Happiness is found through acceptance. When I accept life as it is, I can then deal with it effectively and satisfactorily. Note to self - make list of things you need to accept lol.

Happiness is being current on my stepwork and doing my journalling as I should be. Note to self - locate all stepwork assignments and complete.

Happiness is not adding the phrase 'you suck' to end of the above note to self.

What's Up with Waiterrant.net?

I love that blog. For some reason, it's not loading properly. Anyone else a reader of Waiterrant and do you know what the problem is? Of course, I suspect that no one knows what it is outside of Waiter.

Suitable

Well I have worked here now for three years. It'll be four in January. All I can think about it one more week of vacation. If I don't get laid off next year or if I don't get fired. One more week of vacation.

So I've worked up here with the executives, the myriad VPs, Directors, EVPs, SVPs, COOs, CEOs, Chief Counsel, you name it, for almost four years.

And I just bought my first matching suit, top to bottom, about two weeks ago. I actually feel like a professional, if not a ginormous purple people eater. I can't believe how much thinner this thing makes me look. I think my family might swoon if they saw me dressed like this.

I mean, I feel like I kinda fit in now. I'm even better dressed today than Malignant Presence aka Twiggy. And that's really something. She's usually dressed perfectly. Napoleon's complimented her on it many, many times. But over the years, she's gotten a little more broad in the beam, so her little suits and stuff don't fit, I guess. I wonder why I can relate to that...hmmmmmm.

I resisted dressing better for so long and now it actually feels pretty good. It's a bit surprising.