Passive Aggressive

I have to figure something out, which is why I'm posting here. :)

I am not passive aggressive.

Yet I did manage to utter passive aggressive sentences at least twice during my conversations with a potential boyf…no…suito….dating partner?

And on Saturday, I did it again, and he was quick to let me know that he didn't think we should date because he couldn't be in a relationship with 'someone who does stuff like that'.

What?

At first, I automatically assumed there is something deeply wrong with me. Lol and there is, that's what I go to meetings for.

But then I started to wonder -- I'm usually an upfront, straightforward person…could I really be a caricature of a woman of the stereotypical manipulative variety? Is this a truth about me that's hard to swallow, or was there something about this person's personality that I reacted to in that way for some reason?

I think I'm going to go with option B…although this guy seemed perfect for me, there was something about him that I reacted to in this way. I felt uncomfortable around him and incapable of just being myself. So in what alternate universe would I think that meant he was 'perfect' for me? (Insane thought #1) How could he be perfect for me when I felt afraid to say what was on my mind most of the time?

I think he reminded me or Mr. Wrong, whom I always used to walk on eggshells around. Mr. Wrong would often surprise me by taking something that I thought was said clearly in jest, and getting his panties in a bunch over it. I used to check myself regularly with friends to see if what I said was truly asinine or if he was overreacting.

Yet I have to wonder - usually, if a person gets the same type of reaction from more than one person, it's because there really is something wrong with him/herself. She or he is the common denominator, so the problem must stem from him or her. Perhaps I'm insensitive?  It would not surprise me.

This guy and I had a lot in common because we come from similarly dysfunctional backgrounds. His mom is a royal b*tch, apparently, whose favorite past time used to be putting him down. Dude's in therapy and has been for most of his life because of it. I guess he's always had a weight problem too, which isn't surprising.

One time he called me after 'finishing eating Girl Scout cookies'. Which I took to mean that he'd probably eaten a box of them. The particular version that he was gnoshing on is the cardboard, diet-friendly version. So I made some jokes about it being papery-tasting, etc., and I don't think he took kindly to those jokes.

Then there was the time that I called him one night and I was just cracking some jokes, and he took it as me 'picking' on him. What? And I assumed that I was the jerk. I apologized profusely, but I felt it was a red flag.

There was also a sense of grandiosity about him…that part is hard to explain though. He casually mentioned that he was thinking about marketing some steak rub that he makes. And that he wanted to learn woodworking so he could build 'humidors' and bird houses. I guess, more than anything, he reminded me of me in this regard. He reminded me of what I used to be like. And occasionally, what I probably am still like.

And why do I feel compelled to dissect this in such minute detail? I'm not quite sure. Probably because I didn't like being labeled as passive-aggressive and by extension, subtly dishonest (even though dishonesty is one of my character defects!). But I'm usually a straightforward liar :o). 'No I didn't do that." When in fact I did. Purposely. "No I didn't steal pop out of the filching fridge, of course not." Yes I did. With thoughts about how to appear casual about it. :)

I think this really has more to do with my growing doubts about this whole dating thing…about not being truly ready for it yet because I'm too focused on it. There. I said it. I'm obsessing about it, constantly thinking about getting a boyfriend. Why do I feel so disgusted about that?

Most of the time, I feel that I would be happier about this whole dating thing if I was just thinner and more attractive. THEN I could keep a man around, right? Why the hell do I need to keep a man around, when, before I started dating again, I felt just ducky hanging out with friends every weekend or even being alone? Because I've fallen into the same pattern I was in before.

This is why the Serenity prayer asks for courage to change the things I can…because the only thing you can change in this world is yourself. You can't change what others do, you can only accept things as they are or not accept them, and then take appropriate action. Changing yourself is hard work, and it doesn't happen on your own clock - it happens when it's supposed to happen. Accepting that it's not going to go faster just because you want it to is difficult. Changing myself opens a can full of writhing fears…fear of whether I can do it, whether I can sustain the changes I make, etc.

We were going to go the 'friends' route. But now that I think about it, why would I give a rip about being friends with that guy? I hardly know him. It's stupid. And it's not like he cares about me.

I could spend my time in much better ways. This is just plain stupid. I think the main reason I wanted to keep talking to him was to convince him over time that he was wrong and thereby convince myself that he was wrong…yet that seems idiotic, considering that  he is not my god. Why am I allowing his opinion of me to bother me so much? I'm hingeing my worth on whether some guy that I hardly know likes me?

This is so frickin stupid.