Today

I'm not sure if I hate my job or hate myself for being unable to care about it. : )

I'm like the guy in Office Space, the one who brazenly admitted to the efficiency creeps that he only does just enough to avoid getting fired. Today, I STRONGLY identify with him.

We got snow dumped on us and this morning I thought to myself, "Oh great. Now I have an excuse to be late. I think I'll actually iron my shirt." And then I took my sweet time doing so. 

What happened to the times when I was happy and enjoyed showing up every day, on time? I confess I'm not feeling that way now. I'm feeling more of the "I don't give a fig" attitude creeping up on me. I think I'm just tired of being a secretary.

And I'm exhausted today, even though I went to bed fairly early…midnight lol. I guess that's not early when you're thirty. I was going to work through lunch and then decided I was not going to make it through the day if I did that and that I would need to go home and get a nap in. Then I went and overslept and came back to the building on fire.

Just kidding. It was more like my ginormous print job got stuck, backed up everyone else's print jobs, and caused my failure to go to lunch during my assigned lunch hour to be noticed, as well as my failure to even get back to work on time from my belated lunch hour. Soooo I was politely grilled by my supervisor upon my return. Nothing personal, really, except that I personally did in fact screw up big time and cause this day particular day to be going down in flames.

No great philosophical conclusions are presenting themselves to me today, except that I'd better get back to my normal self before I find myself unemployed. Why can't I just accept that, for right now, I am a secretary, that this is my job, so I just need to do it well and stop whining or find a solution?

I'm thinking about that story in the Big Book…the magic magnifying glasses…that I can magnify whatever I decide to focus on. I could magnify the fact that this job supports my daughter and I. I could magnify the fact that I have good friends here. I could magnify the fact that I get paid well here. That I live less than ten minutes away. These little facts don't seem to add up to nine hours of satisfaction every day though. Mostly, they add up to about one good hour, which usually spans the same time as my lunch hour.