How to Convincingly Call in Sick When You're Not

Now, a little disclaimer on this. I don't really do this anymore. But I used to....alllllll the time.

So the 'tips' they offer are...
1. Know your illnesses. If you claim a migraine, know that there are two types - cluster and classic. Might help to know the difference between them.

2. Claiming Lyme disease is handy? How the hell do you even get Lyme disease? But they say this is handy because one symptom is irritability.

3. Apparently, conjunctivitis and irritable bowel syndrome are good too. No one wants to hear about that shit. Let me add regular diarrhea and vomiting. People hate that too. And the more delicate you try to be about the symptoms, the more authentic you look. Allows you to avoid shooting yourself in the foot by trying to fill every man, woman, and child in on how you were worshipping the porcelain god yesterday. 'The lady doth protest too much' is what you should keep in mind here.

4. Call in with your excuse to a coworker early, before the boss arrives, and clear your throat for five minutes beforehand and hold your nose as you speak. One thing I can add here - skip the coworker, call your supervisor's voicemail at 3am. Or perhaps 5am. If you start taking medications at 3am, symptoms can still clear up. Make sure to be on top of your work - you can still look conscientious.

5. Never make up anything you might need to prove, like a doctor's appointment or trip to the ER.

6. Only do this two or three times a year.

7. Remember your lie.

I think one thing that I can add is - don't frickin go anywhere. I once had a coworker who called in sick because she hated her job, and she went shopping at Wal-Mart. Someone spotted her there and turned her ass in. She spent some time in the boss's office trying to save her job and from that point on, was healed of her deceptions, lol.

If you DO go somewhere, you better keep an eye out. You're just asking for trouble. You might want to think about headscarves, ginormous sunglasses, hats, stuff like that. Any time that I feel like I *must* take a mental health day, I try to avoid going anywhere. If I have a ton of personal stuff to get done, I try as hard as possible to arrange a day to do it. Unexpected days off are a bad idea. I now try to avoid them as much as possible. In fact, I've called in with bullshit so many times that I actually feel good when I call in, because I'm really sick. Legitimacy in the midst of misery can be a good feeling.