Halloween

Happy Halloween to my dear, few readers. :)

Munchkin is going as Peter Pan, a fact which I relayed to my sister on Sunday.

"You mean you're dressing my kid in DRAG for Halloween?"

Yes indeedy, oh ye who hath no clue what it really is to be a parent. She has completely morphed into Disneyland mom. Well, that's what over two years of having your kid in foster care will do to you.

After that, she went back to trying to make her kid fit in the mold she has picked out for her. Good luck.

Part of me loves it when my family reaffirms for me that they cannot raise this child. I could see the frustration building as my sister tried and tried to make D obey simply by sheer strength of her voice. That never works with D.

January can't come soon enough. I just need closure and so does D, whether God has reunification planned for her or adoption planned for her. I'm glad it's not my decision.

Omaha is Hip Dude

Sweet Home Omaha

By RICHARD DOOLING

Published: October 29, 2006

Unemployment’s down, inflation is inconsistent, the housing market is finally cooling off and consumer confidence blows with the wind. Just how are Americans doing? The Op-Ed page asked four writers from around the country to provide snapshots of their local economies over the course of the year. Here is their fourth round of dispatches.

HOUSING prices are falling on both coasts, and bubble panic is around the corner. The financial magazines are already grabbing their readers by the throat and taunting them with headlines like: “U.S. Housing Crash Continues!” “Where Will Housing Prices Fall the Most?” “Is It Time to Cash Out?”

What if it is time to cash out? Where do you go? If you sell on either coast, then you need to find real estate somewhere that the housing bubble missed. Guam? American Samoa? Wait, how about eastern Nebraska? Downright frothless when it comes to housing: the median home price here usually chugs along at the annual rate of inflation and never goes down (up 4 percent last year, up 22 percent over the last five years).

Before you recoil in horror at the thought of living in Omaha, a city of 414,000 souls, consider that this year Money magazine ranked it seventh of the nation’s 10 best big cities to live in, ahead of New York City, which ranked 10th. O.K., now you may recoil in horror.

These compelling statistics have Nebraskans preparing for the imminent arrival of several million New York refugees (victims of post-traumatic bubble anxiety disorder), who will need emergency real estate and housing triage services. The accompanying chart gives some facts and figures for Manhattan condo owners contemplating the big move to the Big O.

According to the cost of living comparison calculator at CNNMoney.com, if you were earning $229,000 in Manhattan, or $153,000 in Queens, you’ll be able to maintain the same standard of living in Omaha with a salary of $100,000 (and not because rodeos are cheaper than Broadway shows). Your money will go farther, and you’ll find less competition for jobs: Omaha’s unemployment rate (3.3 percent) is lower than New York’s (4.5 percent). While you are job hunting and living off your real-estate profits, groceries, utilities and health care will all cost roughly one-third less than you are paying in New York.

According to the Tax Foundation, the move to Omaha will save only about 1 percent in taxes. New York has the second highest average state-and-local tax burden in the country (at 12.9 percent of income); Nebraska has the sixth highest (at 11.6 percent). Why so high here? In part because Nebraska’s 1.7 million residents must pay for schools and roads spread out over 77,000 square miles, compared to more than 19 million New York State residents who occupy a mere 47,000 square miles.

Nebraskans also tolerate notoriously high property taxes because they go to the public schools, where rich and poor alike get a quality education. (A proposed state spending lid on the November ballot is widely expected to fail.)

So, why do people live in a state with high taxes, no mountains, no ocean beaches, no lakes to speak of, no major professional sports teams, no grand old museums or dazzling science centers? The three answers you hear most often from Nebraskans are: (1) quality of life; (2) good schools; (3) wouldn’t moving be kind of a bother?

Here are some other pros and cons to consider before cashing out and heading to flyover country.

Pros:

• Big yard (no more dog walkers and poop bags).

• Big sky (makes you look up, and out).

• Traffic (cars move around, at or near the speed limit).

• Cornhusker football (fall Saturdays with the family in the bleachers).

• Friendly people (perfectly sane strangers say, “Hi!”).

• Public schools (excellent, and “free”).

• The local news (high school sports instead of murders).

• The Berkshire Hathaway convention (you don’t have to fly in for it).

Cons:

• Big yard (lawn maintenance can be noisier than street maintenance).

• Big sky (makes even a New Yorker feel small).

• Traffic (sidewalks are optional, no more walking to the corner deli).

• Cornhusker football (the morbidly obese fellow next to you is wearing a Go Big Red cowboy hat, red Sansabelt slacks and white shoes).

• Friendly people (who love to visit ... for hours).

• The local news (high school sports?).

• The Berkshire Hathaway convention (you don’t get to leave when it’s over).

Required reading: “The Quality of Life Report,” by Meghan Daum. In 1999, Ms. Daum moved from New York City to Lincoln, Neb., and wrote this hilarious novel. The heroine, Lucinda Trout, is a television journalist living in a rent-stabilized “one-windowed cell” at Broadway and 94th Street in Manhattan.

When the building changes hands, Lucinda’s rent soars to $2,100 per month. She learns of an assignment in Prairie City, where she can rent an entire farmhouse (and a farm) for $400 a month. She takes the plunge. Unexpected pleasures ensue: “Something about the blandness of the town and the flat land that surrounded it were making me feel alive and exotic. Almost like another person.”

Richard Dooling is a screenwriter and the author, most recently, of “Bet Your Life.”

When Your Company Gets Sold...

...people get antsy.

ABC Nuts and Bolts was sold recently to an investment firm or something (I'm a little person and I don't really get it) that has a rep for trimming the fat and then reselling companies.

Anyway, they've already started trimming the fat by taking a hatchet to our benefits. The good insurance option that you could pay a little more for is gone altogether. Now there's just the shit option.

But hey, I should be thankful I'm not in production. They didn't just take a hatchet to their benefits, they used a guillotine on those. The lowest echelon of our company, the production people, no longer have health insurance, thank you very much.

And so it shouldn't have been surprising to find a resume from one of the sales guys in with my PowerPoints this morning. Looks like Peanut Butter's going to try and jump ship. Not a big loss in my opinion. His corporate Amex is completely FUBAR'd and he's just been dissatisfied all along. Let's put it this way - they give available offices to the guys who sell really well and after almost two years, no office for Peanut Butter, though he did try to have a tantrum.

And I do mean 'try'. Napoleon doesn't put up with tantrums. He deals with them via employment termination. The key thing to remember in his department is this: YOU ARE REPLACEABLE. EASILY.

Malignant Presence, my new name for Twiggy, is on vacation today. Even though I have extra work, I don't care, because it's such a relief not to have her around. : )

This Wouldn't Happen if She Were a Man

Where does this dude get off making remarks about his opponent's looks?

If it were a race between two men, you'd never hear this kind of shit. Ridiculous.

Birthday Poem

A short birthday poem.

I didn't say it was good.
I didn't say it was great.
I just said it was short.

Wednesday I turned thirty
It was just another day
Got cards, cake, balloon,
Nothing to make anyone swoon

Not where I thought I'd be at thirty.
Thought I'd have a hubby
Thought I'd be less chubby

Thirty rhymes with dirty
Been washin my hands a lot
The soap won't change
The direction of my thoughts

Seven months gone
Since dumpin el manwhore
I look back and think
What'd I wait so long for?

I'm thirty
I'm flirty
Sometimes I'm dirty
But I'm happily single
I guess...

Rush Limbaugh Criticizes Michael J. Fox's Stem Cell Research Ads?

Now I don't think raising farms of human embryos and then destroying them in the quest for stem cells is right, but I do think that some form of stem cell research needs to occur. There are just other sources we could use (cord blood, adult stem cells, etc.).

ANYWAY, that said, I think Rush Limbaugh claiming that Fox is either acting or is off his medication is hideous. Rush Limbaugh is a total ass and he is still in his addiction, which is what makes his personality so ugly. He still thinks the world revolves around him.

Visit is Cancelled

So Munchkin sees Mommy Dearest on Wednesdays and Fridays. Occasionally, Mommy Dearest cancels. Here's the message I got today from her:

"Have 2 cancel visit 4 2night cuz I'm not feeling well. Will & explain further. Sorry :-'("

So I message her back, "Sorry to hear you're not feeling well. What's going on?"

She messages me back. "Took med Dr F wanted me 2 try; feeling very zombie-ish. Ugh."

I almost texted back with, "Are you f'in kidding me? You're disappointing Niece because you feel zombie-ish? I feel like a zombie all week and still did my job!"

I remembered it's not about me just in time to keep from doing something that stupid. It's better when Niece DOESN'T see her mom. It throws her world out of balance and her behaviors get temporarily worse. I have to be honest and admit that I'm more p*ssed that I won't have any alone time than I am that she cancelled. Yes, I am selfish. Aren't we all?

But, yes, I'm also sorry for Niece. I mean, how must it feel for her? I don't know because I can't read her mind, but it can't be a picnic.

More on Mr. Burger King

Well today I was talking with one of my directors about an account that wants to grow its business with us. And this director, whom we'll call The Little General, looked it up and said, "Oh, that's Mr. Burger King's old account." (Mr Burger King --http://asecretaryslife.blogspot.com/2005/11/guess-whos-trying-to-come-back.html#links)

"Gosh is he still even walking this earth?"

"Oh yeah, just saw him at this tradeshow."

"Is he still with the company he left us for?"

"Oh, I think he's on his third company."

Wow. Not a big surprise. He totally made the wrong move when he left here.

For Today

The For Today quote is awesome and reminds me so much of what my primary purpose is right now - to stay abstinent and care for myself and Deirdre.

Patience is a bitter plant, but it has sweet fruit

- German proverb

For today: I am in OA to turn my life around, and I'm willing to wait.

I was about to start starving myself again, frankly. Someone showed me a picture of myself at my lowest weight…and my collar bones looked like they could cut glass. And my lowest weight was not 150…it was 218. Yes, that's right. 218. I can't believe how thin I looked. Makes me scared to go into Onederland. LOL. But hey I looked pretty. :o) LOL.

Like that matters when I starved myself to get there! And I do mean starved…like hair-falling-out starved. Too bad the hair didn't fall out from my legs. LOL. And not grow back.

And then of course I gained my weight back anyway. Because I didn't change my life. I just changed obsessions. And when the replacement obsession grew old and not quite as strong of a drug as the food was, I went back to my core obsession, which was food. I couldn't understand why I kept gaining weight and why I was suddenly longing for old, unhealthy, abusive habits. Well, tada, there's the answer. Whether you're starving or stuffing, you're still obsessing over food and it just doesn't ever get you where you want to go - a happy, healthy life.

My sponsor caught me skipping meals yesterday. She told me that if I didn't stop, my food obsession would return. I just really need to get back to a very healthy way of living, of taking care of myself and my home and my ward. Yeah, it's kinda difficult to do all that when you're exhausted, but the actions have to change first, then the feelings change.

Snap

Well I was starting to dive into a new obsession. But I'm thankful that program has helped me snap back into place.

I was starting to lose my humanity. I wasn't taking care of my charges very well, and that includes D. When I stop and let Program back into my life, everything improves.

Not sure what this weekend is going to bring, hopefully not the sleet and snow that's been promised. But I'm happy I wised up quickly enough to not completely ruin it.

No More Copscop Blog

Well I'm as disappointed as the rest of his fans are, but it appears that copscop has taken down his blog. Aw, that's too bad. Now I can't read his blog and fantasize. Shucks.

Office Lesson #3: Don't Lose Receipts

But if you do, call the establishment and ask if they can please send you a copy.

If the person answering the phone tells you that the owners are out of the country and he doesn't know his a$$ from a hole in the ground when it comes to 'the computer', then just say that if you don't get the receipt, you're going to be very loathe to order catering from them again. Hopefully this is an establishment that you use a lot and hopefully they are a new restaurant that needs your business, so your threat will carry some weight.

HELLO! Business can't stop because the owner went out of the country and you're too stupid to own a computer, people! Tough sh*t.

Man, I wish I hadn't lost that receipt. I don't like being nasty to people anymore, but I can be imperious when I need to. I just don't like doing it, where I used to absolutely relish it. Back when I was a total b*tch (read: not in recovery), I'd consider cowing a restaurant employee to be a job well done and all in a day's work. Now I just feel like an a$$.

Spoiled Brats and their Spoiled Parents

This is a story about English school children and parents bitchin' to high heaven because the school cafeterias are serving healthier lunches. The children miss their french fries and so moms and dads are coming to the rescue by packing sack lunches full of junk or selling hamburgers and fries through the railings at lunch.

Hello!!!! If American schools provided healthier lunches for my kid to eat, I'd be jumping up for joy. One of the breakfasts they did for D had a choice between cereal and fruit or a pastry twist. She's five, what do you think she's going to pick? At least the English schools are seeing their children getting fatter and actually giving a damn. And I say that as a fat woman.

Why God Why

I **really** wish that Twiggy would just go to lunch like a normal person instead of coming back to her desk. Can't I be 'alone' for one hour per day up here?

What I really need to recognize is that I am just very agitated. It's not Twiggy. It's not the Geico callers, it's not any of that. I'm just stressed out.

Poem

Ever heard that song by Taproot, Poem? Great song. Anyway, on with my meager writing talents…if they can be called that.

So is poetry good if you can understand it or is it better if it's mysterious and you don't quite get it? I don't know.

My Stab at Poetry
I love you.
I loathe you.
You're thoughtless.
Yet you make me high.

The antithesis of the pint,
But still the same effect.
I embrace you
And fear your nuances.

Ruination.
Destruction.
Abdication of duty.
I daren't point
At you.
That's powerlessness.

Pointing at me
Are my foolishness's
Results.

Ah, addiction!
Many forms, yet all the same
In their work.
This might be better
If it rhymed.]

I love you.
You're a substance.
In non-substance form.
I want to be fixed.

Angelina's Much Better at This

How nice of Angelina to make celebrities feel ashamed of themselves and then decide to give some of their glorious essences to the world.

However, none of these upstarts, such a Nicole Kidman or Madonna, are as good at it as Angelina is. When Angelina speaks, she sounds like she knows what she's talking about. When Nicole speaks, it sounds as if she was asked a question that she never dreamed she'd have to answer, such as, "What the f*ck are you doing in Kosovo?"

Cricket, You Win

You have slaughtered me.

Your IVR is absolutely impenetrable. Had I known this, I'd have stalked my butt over to one of your cheap strip mall locations with your clueless employees and complained at them for a while during lunch.

But I didn't know that. Instead I peacefully ate my salad and started reading a new Dean Koontz novel.

So now I'm trying to get one of your local stores on the phone, which is about as achievable as getting Mr. Wrong to set one size 14.5 food in Nebraska, or about as achievable as getting my five year old to stop assaulting teachers and wussy daycare workers. It's about as achievable as my ex deciding to be faithful to any one woman while in a relationship lasting longer than fifteen minutes.

I could go on and on about this, but I won't. Suffice it to say that I get what I pay for and I'm not paying much for this shiznit.

Having a cell phone is almost like some kind of addiction. Really.

Fine! I will just double-pay you greedy mofos!! For f*ck's sake!

Daycare

So I'm trying to find my little hellion a new daycare because my friend who graciously offered to help me is getting near her expiration date. The wait at the behavioral day center is a month long, even though I have jumped through the hoops as quickly as possible. I'm hoping that someone else's hellion may have improved in the meantime and so may not need the services.

I find myself, instead of trying to be as honest as possible and trying to facilitate good communication, trying to lie as little as I can while still achieving my objective of finding a daycare for Niece.

My search is yielding very little fruit. The biggest find so far is a service that will help you find daycares, but their search product is $35. Just to search for a daycare!!! $35!!!! Just to SEARCH!!!

Still, perhaps $35 would be worth it for a little peace, a little less stress, and the lowering of my blood pressure!

I am in a huge bind. And right now I feel like I am not going to find a way out any time soon.

Gawd I'm tired

I'm so tired. But it was worth it to see Flavor Flav's potential concubines' families duking it out last night.You can tell how New York was produced. Her mom's as much of a piece of work as she is.

Someone asked me last night why I watch that show. Well, I watch it primarily so I can feel better about my life. Watch it once and you'll understand.

My guts are all in an uproar and I think it's over this trial on Thursday. And that big zit on the side of my face. I detest that my skin is perptually adolescent. Oh and that I don't have my retreat stuff done either. Bricks and signs, bricks and signs. The committee totally FUBAR'd up the press op that I got them. They can pretty much forget about it now I think.

You know that buzzing thing that Pat from SNL used to do? (she/he was the androgynous one that no one could figure out whether she/he was a she or a he). I feel like doing that. Today. All day.

Well I must go get plates and shiznit ready for that client visit downstairs. Fun fun fun. :o)

Office Lesson 2

When a satellite office asks you to send something to them 2nd day air, you can probably procrastinate on that task for one day and then send overnight, but if they sent the request on 9/26 and it's 10/9 and you didn't do it, be prepared for a spanking.

When they call and ask where the stuff is, you can BS your way through it by saying, "Hmm, I'm not sure what happened to that package. I'll check on it. I'm sure I sent it." And then quickly send it out there.

Office Lesson 1

I thought this might be a fun theme.

Lesson 1:
When wearing low-riding pants, it is wise not to wear panties that have a little pink bow in the back. When you bend over, the bow shows, and when you stand up, it gets caught on the waistband of your pants. Just ask the Marketing Assistant, who is now walking around amidst absolute alpha male dogs with a small pink bow showing in the back of her trousers.

What a Mess

OK things are really sucking around here. First, Niece gets kicked out of kindergarten. Then I find a daycare that has room for her, but she assaults the teachers, so they're pissed. That was yesterday. But they were willing to give her another shot today. However, Niece won't be going to daycare today because she has a 100 degree fever and an earache.

 

So let's see...how much work have I missed so far?

 

Monday...I was sick. No work that day. -8 hours.

 

Tuesday...back at work...school calls at about 9:30 am to report that I need to pick up Niece. I return to work around 11:30 am, after dropping her off in Blair. I have to leave at 4:30pm though, because my sitter can only watch her till 5pm. -2 hours (I skip lunch)

 

Wednesday...back at work...ONE full day! YAY!

 

Thursday...Niece starts daycare. Daycare calls me at 3pm to pick her up. -2.5 hours.

 

Friday...Niece has temperature/earache...I'm screwed...backup daycare is available starting at 12:30. -3 hours

 

Hours available: 40

Hours missed: 13

Percentage worked: 68%

Likelihood that I will receive a warning in the near future, though I am trying with all my might to be at work and do a great job: 85%

Likelihood that I will be fired this year: 80%

 

I guess I don't need a boyfriend to sate any libido that I may or may not have. Looks like it's 80% certain that I'm going to get screwed anyway.

 

You know...it's not that Napoleon is a jerk. It's not that at all. It is that Napoleon is business-minded and they need someone in my position that can be there consistently. Better polish the resume.

 

oooooooo New Link!

This person lives in Lincoln, NE and posts a daily picture from that place. I didn't know there were so many cool aspects of Lincoln. Far out. : )

Bride's Parents Kidnap Her to Prevent Marriage

This is one those things where DearAbby would say, "You'd better reconsider that marriage, b*tch, because your parents hate that dude, and they ain't going anywhere. You're in for a long road."

It's My Birthday....

…no, not today. This month, on the 25th. 13 days after D-day, the day of THE trial. God I am looking forward to finally getting some dang resolution to this mess! And I will also say that I am glad it's in God's hands, not mine. Good Orderly Direction.

A VP was walking by my desk when a client services admin had just passed her and she stopped by and asked who that was. I told her. Somehow we got onto the fact that I'm turning 30 this month and I go, "I'm turning 30 this month! Don't I get something for that sh*t?" It was totally a joke and totally not tacky, but it seriously looks tacky in this post. But since I know the truth of its non-tackiness in the situation of which I speak, I will confidently say that I am not tacky. However, I used to be…horribly tacky. I don't feel like going there. I mean, read the rest of my blog and see how messed up I was - then you'll know. LOL

Anyways…..I'm going to be 30 and it's not too exciting. But in this office, it's easy for people to forget one's birthday and that means a loss of partying income. A birthday to these folks means, "Oh! $50 to the Secretary!" Ok, yes, I am tacky. : )

Last year, my birthday was totally forgotten, overlooked, you name it. So I came up with a plan! Cause I was feeling PRETTY damn sorry for myself and was actually quite weepy.

So the plan is this - save last year's cards, begin to display about two-three days prior to your birthday. Great idea, huh?

Works great for Secretary's day too. Save last year's Secretary's Day cards, display two-three days prior to event, and voila! A subtle reminder without the remindees knowing they're being reminded. I mean, like a frickin' charm!!!

And, no, they don't remember which card they gave you last year. Do you remember what birthday card you gave some nameless office face last year? Or even your best bud? Do you remember what your Christmas cards that you gave out looked like last year? Probably not, unless you have extras left over, or unless you have one box of Christmas cards stored in your desk that you use every year and consequently should be good to go for about four years worth of Christmases.

While we're talking about this stuff, you should probably check out www.ghettotips.com. Their tips run in the same vein as the ones that I just dispensed. LOL.

Ok, secretaries, work it!