For Today

The For Today quote is awesome and reminds me so much of what my primary purpose is right now - to stay abstinent and care for myself and Deirdre.

Patience is a bitter plant, but it has sweet fruit

- German proverb

For today: I am in OA to turn my life around, and I'm willing to wait.

I was about to start starving myself again, frankly. Someone showed me a picture of myself at my lowest weight…and my collar bones looked like they could cut glass. And my lowest weight was not 150…it was 218. Yes, that's right. 218. I can't believe how thin I looked. Makes me scared to go into Onederland. LOL. But hey I looked pretty. :o) LOL.

Like that matters when I starved myself to get there! And I do mean starved…like hair-falling-out starved. Too bad the hair didn't fall out from my legs. LOL. And not grow back.

And then of course I gained my weight back anyway. Because I didn't change my life. I just changed obsessions. And when the replacement obsession grew old and not quite as strong of a drug as the food was, I went back to my core obsession, which was food. I couldn't understand why I kept gaining weight and why I was suddenly longing for old, unhealthy, abusive habits. Well, tada, there's the answer. Whether you're starving or stuffing, you're still obsessing over food and it just doesn't ever get you where you want to go - a happy, healthy life.

My sponsor caught me skipping meals yesterday. She told me that if I didn't stop, my food obsession would return. I just really need to get back to a very healthy way of living, of taking care of myself and my home and my ward. Yeah, it's kinda difficult to do all that when you're exhausted, but the actions have to change first, then the feelings change.