Sadness
It's going to be a beautiful day out today -- the high today will be somewhere in the 80s. Today, this equated to a beautiful morning.
But not inside my apartment.
At first it seemed like things were going to be awesome today. Munchkin got up, got dressed, and made her bed all before she came to ask me if she could watch TV. Yes! The strategy worked!
Then I got up and did my thing, and was trying to find a way to do Munchkin's hair without it hurting her toward the end of the day. I figured something out and got her to let me do her hair. Yay!
Then, I told Munchkin that I didn't know if she was going to have visit today because Mommy is still sick. All of a sudden, it was a stay at home day, according to her, and she didn't want to go to school. I felt like a huge ogre this morning because I had to practically drag her into the school this morning….in front of all the kids sitting there eating breakfast. Ugh. Someone finally came and took her to breakfast and then she didn't say goodbye or I love you to me, she just went. I don't think I could reasonably expect more than that from her.
I keep thinking…what could I have done differently? I could have set this morning up to be a better one…she picked out her own clothes this morning, which means she ended up wearing her dirty khaki capris from yesterday and wouldn't change out of them. Oh well, I thought, could be worse. At least she's wearing pants. I hate the idea that someone might think that there's some other reason she's wearing those.
Like that her foster mother doesn't care enough about her to wash her clothes. Believe me, after all the stories of children dying in foster care, foster care has a very bad name. Even I don't think much of foster homes, though fostering is exactly what I'm doing right now. There is a definite stigma attached to foster care and being a foster parent. People wonder, I think, how many children you have at home in cages with straw and a food bowl at the bottom. Or how many rolls of duct tape you have at home to keep those kids in line. God it makes me sick just thinking about things that those children have had to suffer.
I hope Munchkin's day gets better today. I feel so bad for her. She seems to be in so much torment during these visit days and their aftermath and I just ache for her. Whether it's because she wants to live with Mommy or she doesn't want to live with Mommy, I can't tell. I'm no mind reader. And I don't wish to speculate. In the past, I'd probably have said things like, "Well I'm sure it's because she doesn't want to live with her Mommy! She wants to live with ME!" But nowadays, if something like that escaped my lips, I'd probably gasp at how self-serving, arrogant, and gauche it is to pass that judgment…to act like I can read Munchkin's thoughts.
Butt Vomit
Anyone who read the title of this section of the post was probably like, "Dude, I'm outta here." But trust me, it's not gonna be gross.
One person whose thoughts I do not need to read to understand them, though, is her mother's. Sister called me Tuesday to warn me that she might not be able to have visit on Wednesday, even though all she had was diarrhea.
"Well, we don't need to worry about Wednesday till it gets here, do we? I mean, you might be just fine by tomorrow, if you take some immodium."
No real reply to that statement.
Not surprisingly, Wednesday was cancelled. Hence the weeping from Munchkin. When I got that call on Tuesday, it had a feeling of dishonesty to it…of wanting to cancel the visit, and diarrhea happened pop up, which helped with that want. I don't think she's lying about diarrhea.
Last night, a text about how sick she still is.
ME: U feel really guilty about cancelling visits, don't U?
HER: Extremely. :`(
ME: That doesn't make sense, does it? If ur sick, ur sick.
ME: As long as ur being honest w/urself, nothing to feel guilty about.
HER: Usually I'd just med myself up or have Dr F call something in & have visit anyway, but can't this time. I feel so bad about it all.
ME: Why not?
HER: @ visit, D likes to sit on me, likes 2 be near me. What if I get her sick? What if I suddnely gotta go really bad? I don't do humiliation well.
ME: Tell her at the start of visit that she can't do that because Mommy is sick. Wash ur hands and keep hers washed - no germs will pass along.
ME: and if you take some meds, no germs will be available via their chosen exit, so no one will get sick.
HER: I'm gonna call the Dr's office now.
So basically, she had been content to be sick and avoid visits that way. She wasn't taking any meds to help stop the illness.
This reminds me of when I used to look forward to being sick so that I wouldn't have to go to work. I used to look forward to doctor appointments because that was time away from work that I could 'legally' take. It is the same thing.
And normally, I'd be fine with that. But not when it upsets D so much. I don't think it's likely that she'll get sick. Supposedly, it is better for D when her mom cancels visits because that weakens her mom's case against termination of her rights, which is supposed to be better for D in the long run. I don't think her mom can raise her, but it is awfully hard to watch D be so sad when her mom cancels visits. I don't think it's fair to her. D is already torn enough and what is the message she gets when her mom cancels visits? I don't know exactly what it is, but I don't believe it's a good message.
Mystery Texts
This morning I got another Mystery Text. This one? "Have a fantastic day" and where did it come from? Supposely my *own* number. Dude, I didn't get up at 7:15 and send myself a test. I can guarantee you that one. Weird. But pleasant nonetheless, I suppose.
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