Food Fog

I felt pretty miserable this weekend. I spent almost the whole time running from my feelings, trying to avoid them however I could.

I feel that I must reach out for help, but I keep reaching out to food instead of people and God.

I feel overwhelmed and frustrated and I am going back to old methods of coping instead of turning to my friends, turning to God, using the tools of the program, to deal with my problems.

I'm not taking time out for myself, not getting sitters, just assuming that people do not want to help and do not have time. I'm trying to do it all by myself, and so, of course, it's not working. Sometimes I don't even want to accept help when it's offered. Some of my friends want to spend time with me,  some of them want to do things with me, but I turn down their offers and would rather be alone. Not productive.

It's because I'd rather walk around in a fog and not feel anything than spend time with people. I can't ignore a person that's right in front of me. I can't tell them to go play, can't just entertain an adult…adults can tell you're not all there, they can tell that you're not in the moment, and they tend to get a little insulted when you do that right in front of their faces. It's best not to have them around when you want to be foggy. You have to be in the moment, in the present, when there's a fully-perceptive, healthy adult nearby.

Yet again I learn that food does not serve me. At all. It makes pain last longer, augments existing frustration, lengthens the period of time spent in misery while problems are not being solved, but instead are being infinitely perpetualized so as to keep one in a state of mental agony.

I hope to end it today. I need to get honest. I need to reach out, get up, shake it off, and try again.