Weekend Update
Friday -- Sat at home, went to bed early.
Saturday -- Phrecklette woke me up around 7am, I refused to get out of bed. Her revenge for said neglect? Spread raisinbran all over the floor in the living room. I get out of bed around 8am, clean up raisin bran, and we're out the door by 11 to go have brakes worked on.
Off we motor to BF's sister's house, where BF's sister's BF (wow that's confusing) replaces pads and rotors. But not without us getting the wrong parts twice because yours truly didn't know what year her own car was made. After many barbs aimed at my stupidity for that one, BF's sister and her boyfriend babysite Phrecklette whilst we go out doing karaoke. This was a lot of fun. NOTE TO SELF: BF is incredibly bad at karaoke. Oh. My. God. I did a good job of pretending I didn't know him. I did ok...I sang two songs -- but I only remember one: Blame it on Your Heart by Patty Loveless.
Sunday -- We get up and off we motor to Sista Phreckle's house where we see that Sista Phreckle looks dramatically different with her hair cut and permed. She seems to have awakened from a long slumber. She was more assertive and had bathed recently, which is a bit of a change from Sista Phreckle's usual modus operandi. Welllllll we went to breakfast at the TA (being trucker's daughters). Phrecklette was so happy to have her mommy near her. I now have faith that Phrecklette might actually be ok with Sista Phreckle. We will see.
Off we motor to the Goodwill after that, where Sista Phreckle buys a bunch of clothes for Phrecklette. Tons of size 5 pants. You can never have enough, fyi. I get some candle holders, Sista Phreckle gets some books.
Back to Mom and Dad's house we go, where we finalize Sista Phreckle's MK order...which comes out to $800.00. : ) Rock on. She pays in cash. I deposit $700 and keep $100, which I end up giving to the landlord. Phrecklette goes off with Sista Phreckle, Phrecklette's half-brother, and Janwitch to dinner.
(NOTE: New code name: Janwitch -- my sister's best friend who ran off with Phrecklette's dad while Sista Phreckle was 3 months pg...WHORE.)
After receiving a call from Irritato, I go and pay him $100 toward rent. His apartment is a digusting mess. Evidently, he feels the need to explain why it's a disgusting mess after I leave, because he calls me to chit chat about it while I am at the grocery store. And to ask me once again if he can 'kidnap' me...ie -- go out with me and/or me and Phrecklette. I put him off once more by stating that I don't know him very well and I don't go out with people I don't know. It's getting harder to put this guy off, because he is becoming more insistent -- ie, he's bringing it up more and more often. Christ.
Whilst at the store gathering ice cream and tortilla chips for the Oscar Night binge, I see my dad and Phrecklette. He hands Phrecklette off to me and we go home. Phrecklette hops in the tub. She goes to bed at 7pm tonight, instead of 8pm. But, hey, she's happy about it and so am I, so how is that a problem? It's not...and the Oscars start at 8pm.
Soooo I commence my feast and watch the Oscars. The coolest moment was when Beyonce sang that French song -- her technique, range, and talent made me want to take voice again with Alexandra. It was sooooooo magnificent. Her trills were perfect and she had absolute control over her voice. Amazing.
So I watched the Princess Diaries, Royal Engagement. Great movie, but it made me feel mui lonely because...well...because I was alone. I reflected on the fact that, more than anything, with BF or anyone, I am afraid to let myself really 'fall' in love with anyone. Because I am going to get hurt, and man you sure are opening yourself up. My relationship with B did nothing to help with this problem...actually, did I really have this problem prior to my involvement with B? Not sure.
Am beginning to think that BF really is a guy who is just fine and I am the problem. He seems to want the best for me...to work on my problems alone and face my life. Maybe I really have a hard time listening to him simply because he is male and I have always had a hard time listening to men.
I eat way too much whilst watching TV and am so incredibly bloated that I try to get myself to vomit a little to ease the damn pressure. Well that doesn't work, because there's nothing in my pouch. By the time I get to my bed around 11pm, I am almost comatose lol.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Thursday is Lunch with La Buddha Day
Not to mention taco salad day. Man that was awesome.
La Buddha and I had a good lunch. She encouraged me to fill up my spare time with volunteer work. See why this woman is good for me?
She did profess disappointment that I had ever spoken to BF again after what happened that night, and I can understand why. Man, she would be seriously ticked if she knew I was still seeing him here and there. I'm pretty sure she would write me off as toxic.
Is La Buddha a friend? No, she is not. Is that bad? No, it is not. La Buddha is a life coach, a mentor. We like each other as people, but we are not friends, per say. We do not 'hang out' together. I don't see La Buddha's 'at-rest' personality...I see her business persona. When she is with me, she is not the same person that she is with her true friends.
La Buddha has the life that I would like to have, except for a couple of things. I would like to have children. A couple of them, to be exact. La Buddha is very career-oriented. I'm not. I am very family-oriented. I asked her once why she never had children. She said, because I wanted certain things out of life, and I knew I would not get those things if I had children. Good for you.
But that's not for me. I do want a family. But I also want to travel and learn and all those things, and I think that I can have those things, even if I do have a family. Why not? They can't come along?
That's part of the reason that BF thinks I should not associate with La Buddha -- because her goals in life are different than mine. But I disagree. La Buddha is not trying to get me to espouse her goals; she's helping me to figure out my goals and figure out how to get there. And she's been very successful with that. Bottom line is that La Buddha doesn't do any harm to my life -- she helps enrich my life.
I can't say that for BF, on the other hand. He has very much harmed my life in the past.
He charmed me into trusting him, then when I was about to let myself fall the rest of the way, I found out that he cheated on me with Ms. Whackjob. That was seriously harmful.
The worst la Buddha has ever done is gotten pissed at me for letting my car get repo'd. But that really is the worst. That's not nearly as much as BF hurt me. So who's more toxic? The answer is not la Buddha.
Volunteering
So I went to United Way's website and got a list of things I can volunteer for. :) I'm kind of excited about really looking through it and doing some work. Getting out there and meeting new people. la Buddha knows that that is definitely something I need to do.
Not to mention taco salad day. Man that was awesome.
La Buddha and I had a good lunch. She encouraged me to fill up my spare time with volunteer work. See why this woman is good for me?
She did profess disappointment that I had ever spoken to BF again after what happened that night, and I can understand why. Man, she would be seriously ticked if she knew I was still seeing him here and there. I'm pretty sure she would write me off as toxic.
Is La Buddha a friend? No, she is not. Is that bad? No, it is not. La Buddha is a life coach, a mentor. We like each other as people, but we are not friends, per say. We do not 'hang out' together. I don't see La Buddha's 'at-rest' personality...I see her business persona. When she is with me, she is not the same person that she is with her true friends.
La Buddha has the life that I would like to have, except for a couple of things. I would like to have children. A couple of them, to be exact. La Buddha is very career-oriented. I'm not. I am very family-oriented. I asked her once why she never had children. She said, because I wanted certain things out of life, and I knew I would not get those things if I had children. Good for you.
But that's not for me. I do want a family. But I also want to travel and learn and all those things, and I think that I can have those things, even if I do have a family. Why not? They can't come along?
That's part of the reason that BF thinks I should not associate with La Buddha -- because her goals in life are different than mine. But I disagree. La Buddha is not trying to get me to espouse her goals; she's helping me to figure out my goals and figure out how to get there. And she's been very successful with that. Bottom line is that La Buddha doesn't do any harm to my life -- she helps enrich my life.
I can't say that for BF, on the other hand. He has very much harmed my life in the past.
He charmed me into trusting him, then when I was about to let myself fall the rest of the way, I found out that he cheated on me with Ms. Whackjob. That was seriously harmful.
The worst la Buddha has ever done is gotten pissed at me for letting my car get repo'd. But that really is the worst. That's not nearly as much as BF hurt me. So who's more toxic? The answer is not la Buddha.
Volunteering
So I went to United Way's website and got a list of things I can volunteer for. :) I'm kind of excited about really looking through it and doing some work. Getting out there and meeting new people. la Buddha knows that that is definitely something I need to do.
Ok so I thought I could stand BF but now he's getting on my nerves
He is trying to tell me I should get rid of la Buddha again. So tired of people thinking they can run my life. I really put myself in this position by asking everyone and their brother for advice when I was feeling pretty down on myself (course, who's saying I have great self-esteem to begin with?). So now all these people think they can weigh in on my life and if I don't take their advice, they get pissed.
Now I am not known for making great decisions, and my track record really calls my judgment into question, so I can see why so many people feel compelled to 'take care of me'. But now I want to break away from that...I want to make decisions for myself.
Can anyone tell me that this scenario has ever actually worked to modify someone's behavior? Friend A talks to Friend B about a problem she has. Friend B offers advice, knowing Friend A tends to make the wrong decision. A decides to go her own way and not take B's advice. Now B is pissed. But does B being pissed make A change her tune next time? No, it doesn't. It makes A learn that she shouldn't tell B about her troubles, because if she doesn't take B's advice, then B will just get pissed, which will cause yet another problem for A to contend with.
BF Also Thinks the Blog is Stupid
BF also thinks my blog is a bad idea. I disagree. I've code-worded the name of all my friends -- the only person who wasn't code-worded was Mr. Wrong...and he is not even in the same state as I or my friends and relatives. So I can be as frank as I want and not really worry.
After today, it looks like BF may become history. Stay tuned...
He is trying to tell me I should get rid of la Buddha again. So tired of people thinking they can run my life. I really put myself in this position by asking everyone and their brother for advice when I was feeling pretty down on myself (course, who's saying I have great self-esteem to begin with?). So now all these people think they can weigh in on my life and if I don't take their advice, they get pissed.
Now I am not known for making great decisions, and my track record really calls my judgment into question, so I can see why so many people feel compelled to 'take care of me'. But now I want to break away from that...I want to make decisions for myself.
Can anyone tell me that this scenario has ever actually worked to modify someone's behavior? Friend A talks to Friend B about a problem she has. Friend B offers advice, knowing Friend A tends to make the wrong decision. A decides to go her own way and not take B's advice. Now B is pissed. But does B being pissed make A change her tune next time? No, it doesn't. It makes A learn that she shouldn't tell B about her troubles, because if she doesn't take B's advice, then B will just get pissed, which will cause yet another problem for A to contend with.
BF Also Thinks the Blog is Stupid
BF also thinks my blog is a bad idea. I disagree. I've code-worded the name of all my friends -- the only person who wasn't code-worded was Mr. Wrong...and he is not even in the same state as I or my friends and relatives. So I can be as frank as I want and not really worry.
After today, it looks like BF may become history. Stay tuned...
Movie Review: White Noise
This movie was awesome. What I couldn't figure out, though, is why they had Michael Keaton wearing the same oatmeal sweater so many times. But it sure creeped me out. I slept with the light on last night lol. I almost had Phrecklette come sleep with me but I figured she shouldn't have to endure her foster mom's weakness lol. I went to the movie with CoDeP...just adore her. We had such a fun time and laughed our asses off.
Night Out with CoDeP
First we had dinner at TGIFriday's, where she works. We started off with mudslides that that cute bartender (love those college boys) made with a little extra liquor lol. Then we had appetizers and dinner...I ate all my dinner, despite my lap-band and an overly large portion too. Then I also ate my cheesecake. I really ate like a little piggy. Then we went to the dollar theater and that's where we saw White Noise. CoDeP was not freaked out at all, but I was totally freaked. But what's really freaky about that...I also had nachos. God, those $3.75 nachos sucked.
Since I have never been to a prom nor have I been up close and personal with anyone ever wearing a beautiful expensive dress, I asked CoDeP if she would please try on a dress for me so I can see what a normal person looks like in one of those things. She is a size 5. So she tried one one and it was sooooooooo pretty. Made me wish I were thinner. Man we had so much fun last night.
Coming to Realize that I am No One to Mr. Wrong Now
When I was at the height of my 'relationship' with Mr. Wrong, we used to email every day. But then it started getting boring for him, I think. Well now that his life is hunky-dory, he pretty much has stopped communicating with me altogether. Says he is almost never online anymore. Apparently, he almost never thinks of me either, because he doesn't pick up the phone either. Why I am consumed with getting to know who that guy really is is beyond me...I just want to know once and for all who he really is and whether he was a big fat liar or not. Am I a psycho stalker person? No...I'm just really curious. It's hard to accept that I am really no one to him now. But I guess that is a decision I am going to have to make.
Accepting things really is a decision to change your thinking and I need to make that decision.
Today's Positive Quote
How true. How much time did I waste with Mr. Wrong? Let's seeeeeee....hours and hours per day for about 18 months.
What else could I have done with that time?
- exercised
- made real friends
- read books
- kept better track of my finances
- explored my city
- filed for BK sooner so I could save more money
- not lost my friend, Shannon by ignoring her.
- worked on my sanity
- not cried so much
Action:
He is gone from my life and I have to stop contacting him.
It's a decision I have to make and then stick to.
I can do it.
I don't need him in my life.
I will delete his emails, both to me and from me.
I will delete his ph# from my phone.
I will erase him from my yahoo instant messenger lists.
I will erase him from my AOL instant messenger list.
When I start thinking about him, I will change the subject of my thoughts and think about something more constructive.
What I Have Done Today to Help Reach My Goals:
1. Found out correct routing number for savings account.
2. Filled out direct deposit form to deposit requisite amount into savings.
Goal for Today
Figure out budget and management for next pay period.
This movie was awesome. What I couldn't figure out, though, is why they had Michael Keaton wearing the same oatmeal sweater so many times. But it sure creeped me out. I slept with the light on last night lol. I almost had Phrecklette come sleep with me but I figured she shouldn't have to endure her foster mom's weakness lol. I went to the movie with CoDeP...just adore her. We had such a fun time and laughed our asses off.
Night Out with CoDeP
First we had dinner at TGIFriday's, where she works. We started off with mudslides that that cute bartender (love those college boys) made with a little extra liquor lol. Then we had appetizers and dinner...I ate all my dinner, despite my lap-band and an overly large portion too. Then I also ate my cheesecake. I really ate like a little piggy. Then we went to the dollar theater and that's where we saw White Noise. CoDeP was not freaked out at all, but I was totally freaked. But what's really freaky about that...I also had nachos. God, those $3.75 nachos sucked.
Since I have never been to a prom nor have I been up close and personal with anyone ever wearing a beautiful expensive dress, I asked CoDeP if she would please try on a dress for me so I can see what a normal person looks like in one of those things. She is a size 5. So she tried one one and it was sooooooooo pretty. Made me wish I were thinner. Man we had so much fun last night.
Coming to Realize that I am No One to Mr. Wrong Now
When I was at the height of my 'relationship' with Mr. Wrong, we used to email every day. But then it started getting boring for him, I think. Well now that his life is hunky-dory, he pretty much has stopped communicating with me altogether. Says he is almost never online anymore. Apparently, he almost never thinks of me either, because he doesn't pick up the phone either. Why I am consumed with getting to know who that guy really is is beyond me...I just want to know once and for all who he really is and whether he was a big fat liar or not. Am I a psycho stalker person? No...I'm just really curious. It's hard to accept that I am really no one to him now. But I guess that is a decision I am going to have to make.
Accepting things really is a decision to change your thinking and I need to make that decision.
Today's Positive Quote
Waste your money and you're only out of money, but waste your time and you've lost part of your life.
-- Michael Leboeuf
How true. How much time did I waste with Mr. Wrong? Let's seeeeeee....hours and hours per day for about 18 months.
What else could I have done with that time?
- exercised
- made real friends
- read books
- kept better track of my finances
- explored my city
- filed for BK sooner so I could save more money
- not lost my friend, Shannon by ignoring her.
- worked on my sanity
- not cried so much
Action:
He is gone from my life and I have to stop contacting him.
It's a decision I have to make and then stick to.
I can do it.
I don't need him in my life.
I will delete his emails, both to me and from me.
I will delete his ph# from my phone.
I will erase him from my yahoo instant messenger lists.
I will erase him from my AOL instant messenger list.
When I start thinking about him, I will change the subject of my thoughts and think about something more constructive.
What I Have Done Today to Help Reach My Goals:
1. Found out correct routing number for savings account.
2. Filled out direct deposit form to deposit requisite amount into savings.
Goal for Today
Figure out budget and management for next pay period.
Many Things to Think About
I don't understand why so many people are so concerned about my decisions. I don't understand why they all care so much.
BF thinks I should get rid of la Buddha. la Buddha and Therapist think I should get rid of BF. I don't see why any of them should go. Although la Buddha is very codependent and tends to be a little passive-aggressively controlling, I can handle her. Therapist has her place too. BF seems like a normal, every day guy who has made some mistakes. What none of these people seem willing to do is let me find my own way...maybe all three need to go.
Maybe I am getting tired of being psycho therapized. : )
I don't understand why so many people are so concerned about my decisions. I don't understand why they all care so much.
BF thinks I should get rid of la Buddha. la Buddha and Therapist think I should get rid of BF. I don't see why any of them should go. Although la Buddha is very codependent and tends to be a little passive-aggressively controlling, I can handle her. Therapist has her place too. BF seems like a normal, every day guy who has made some mistakes. What none of these people seem willing to do is let me find my own way...maybe all three need to go.
Maybe I am getting tired of being psycho therapized. : )
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Rude Frickin People
Ok kids, please remember that it's rude to:
- whisper around others -- MJ likes to come up to the front of the office and whisper about people with Christine. OMG. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but is there some reason she doesn't feel like sharing this information with everyone else?
- CHEW ON THE FRICKIN phone -- one of the people that I work with does this and she drives me nuts. It sounds so frickin gross.
Ok kids, please remember that it's rude to:
- whisper around others -- MJ likes to come up to the front of the office and whisper about people with Christine. OMG. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but is there some reason she doesn't feel like sharing this information with everyone else?
- CHEW ON THE FRICKIN phone -- one of the people that I work with does this and she drives me nuts. It sounds so frickin gross.
Leaving Work Early Today...
Phrecklette's counselling appointment today is cancelled. But I'm still gonna blow this popsicle stand early. Why you may ask? Because I can. Because I'm so bored.
Something that someone told me once when I used to sign up for early dismissal at Greyhound even though I was dirt poor and it was unpaid time off is this: You can always make more money. But you can't make more time.
Guess that's become my philosophy. I would rather leave and feel the sunshine and go for a walk with Phrecklette around my neighborhood than stay here for one extra second. : )
Phrecklette's counselling appointment today is cancelled. But I'm still gonna blow this popsicle stand early. Why you may ask? Because I can. Because I'm so bored.
Something that someone told me once when I used to sign up for early dismissal at Greyhound even though I was dirt poor and it was unpaid time off is this: You can always make more money. But you can't make more time.
Guess that's become my philosophy. I would rather leave and feel the sunshine and go for a walk with Phrecklette around my neighborhood than stay here for one extra second. : )
Today's Goals:
1. Call bank and get correct routing number for savings account.
2. Fill out direct deposit form and send to payroll department.
3. Balance checkbook when I get home; figure out budget for next payday.
"The victory of success is half won when one gains the habit of setting goals and achieving them. Even the most tedious chore will become endurable as you parade through each day convinced that every task, no matter how menial or boring, brings you closer to achieving your dreams." Og Mandino
This is the thought of the day from morningmantra.com. I highly encourage you to subscribe.
Ok, setting goals and achieving them. The most tedious chores will become endurable...meaning will be imbued into filling out my damn direct deposit form, calling the bank and getting my routing number for my savings account, etc. because I will be working toward my dream of owning a house by getting automatic deposit made into my savings account. Figuring out my budget will help me stay focused.
1. Call bank and get correct routing number for savings account.
2. Fill out direct deposit form and send to payroll department.
3. Balance checkbook when I get home; figure out budget for next payday.
"The victory of success is half won when one gains the habit of setting goals and achieving them. Even the most tedious chore will become endurable as you parade through each day convinced that every task, no matter how menial or boring, brings you closer to achieving your dreams." Og Mandino
This is the thought of the day from morningmantra.com. I highly encourage you to subscribe.
Ok, setting goals and achieving them. The most tedious chores will become endurable...meaning will be imbued into filling out my damn direct deposit form, calling the bank and getting my routing number for my savings account, etc. because I will be working toward my dream of owning a house by getting automatic deposit made into my savings account. Figuring out my budget will help me stay focused.
So BOARD....
I belong to something like 12 different groups on Yahoo. Love it. Gives me something to do when I have run out of work. Or when the work I have could be completed in 5 minutes and it's incredibly boring work to begin with. So let's see what the topic du jour is on each board....
Mary Kay Tools -- Unit names. Actually, it's tax season. Guess no one's paying attention to my Unit Name email -- the one that asked if I should call my unit Nelson's No-Getters. :)
Interior Decorating -- I think I shouldn't have joined this board. My passion is Shabby Chic, not someone's Decorating Cents ideas of how they can get that Asian look with bamboo placemats tacked onto their walls.
Infidelity Survivors -- That pregnant woman that got murdered by her conniving, evil Married Man in Texas. Did she deserve it...and do the OWs (other women) of the board members' husbands deserve death? Consensus is no, they dont, but that doesn't mean that the majority of the board members don't wish it on them. Still waiting for the Board Oracle-in-Residence, wife of a wealthy attorney, to chime in. It's amazing how many of these women are stay at home moms or wives of professionals.
Posted to the resident computer expert about how can I find out more about Mr. Wrong (Brandon), the Internet Creep. All I have are his cell ph#, several yahoo IDs, several AOL IDs and email addresses, his first and last name, and the name of the town he lives in. Plus the names and ages of his two children and their mom's first name. Plus his siblings' names, parents' names, names of some of his siblings' children, occupation of one of his sisters....but none of these pieces of information can really lead to anything. I don't think he gave me his real last name, either. More on my theories about Mr. Wrong later.
Bankruptcy Talk -- much talk is going around about the bankruptcy 'reform' act. Folks, this should not be passed. If this is passed, average Joes are going to be hurt. 50% of folks who file for BK do so because of medical bills. I am not one of these; I filed after my divorce. But basically this is being done by credit card companies and lenders...and the really big lenders and credit card issuers are the ones that are predatory, ie MBNA, Capital One, and I forget who else. Those are a couple of the big ones.
You may ask why this is happening -- well it's because bankruptcy is no longer the financial death it used to be. You can get credit after bankruptcy. You can get a *house* after a bankruptcy, if you stay on top of your payments and all.
Bottom line, the jerks like Ms. Whackjob (who filed BK after running up her credit card bills, getting whatever she wanted, and having expensive cosmetic surgery) who use BK as a financial planning tool, are ruining it for people like me, who find themselves divorced with a shitty car, no resources, and having to do serious adjustment to live on their own income, having never lived by themselves before in their lives. Oh yeah, and no financial tutelage growing up either. Mom and Dad stillllllllll rent.
Shabby Chic -- Old Green Enamel paint color by Martha Stewart. I think I am going to go get that 40's-looking dresser that I saw at the St. Vincent de Paul thrift store the other day. It's only $20 and the mirror comes with it. Well made and solid, finishes on it aren't too bad. Just needs a little TLC and I bet I can do it.
I belong to something like 12 different groups on Yahoo. Love it. Gives me something to do when I have run out of work. Or when the work I have could be completed in 5 minutes and it's incredibly boring work to begin with. So let's see what the topic du jour is on each board....
Mary Kay Tools -- Unit names. Actually, it's tax season. Guess no one's paying attention to my Unit Name email -- the one that asked if I should call my unit Nelson's No-Getters. :)
Interior Decorating -- I think I shouldn't have joined this board. My passion is Shabby Chic, not someone's Decorating Cents ideas of how they can get that Asian look with bamboo placemats tacked onto their walls.
Infidelity Survivors -- That pregnant woman that got murdered by her conniving, evil Married Man in Texas. Did she deserve it...and do the OWs (other women) of the board members' husbands deserve death? Consensus is no, they dont, but that doesn't mean that the majority of the board members don't wish it on them. Still waiting for the Board Oracle-in-Residence, wife of a wealthy attorney, to chime in. It's amazing how many of these women are stay at home moms or wives of professionals.
Posted to the resident computer expert about how can I find out more about Mr. Wrong (Brandon), the Internet Creep. All I have are his cell ph#, several yahoo IDs, several AOL IDs and email addresses, his first and last name, and the name of the town he lives in. Plus the names and ages of his two children and their mom's first name. Plus his siblings' names, parents' names, names of some of his siblings' children, occupation of one of his sisters....but none of these pieces of information can really lead to anything. I don't think he gave me his real last name, either. More on my theories about Mr. Wrong later.
Bankruptcy Talk -- much talk is going around about the bankruptcy 'reform' act. Folks, this should not be passed. If this is passed, average Joes are going to be hurt. 50% of folks who file for BK do so because of medical bills. I am not one of these; I filed after my divorce. But basically this is being done by credit card companies and lenders...and the really big lenders and credit card issuers are the ones that are predatory, ie MBNA, Capital One, and I forget who else. Those are a couple of the big ones.
You may ask why this is happening -- well it's because bankruptcy is no longer the financial death it used to be. You can get credit after bankruptcy. You can get a *house* after a bankruptcy, if you stay on top of your payments and all.
Bottom line, the jerks like Ms. Whackjob (who filed BK after running up her credit card bills, getting whatever she wanted, and having expensive cosmetic surgery) who use BK as a financial planning tool, are ruining it for people like me, who find themselves divorced with a shitty car, no resources, and having to do serious adjustment to live on their own income, having never lived by themselves before in their lives. Oh yeah, and no financial tutelage growing up either. Mom and Dad stillllllllll rent.
Shabby Chic -- Old Green Enamel paint color by Martha Stewart. I think I am going to go get that 40's-looking dresser that I saw at the St. Vincent de Paul thrift store the other day. It's only $20 and the mirror comes with it. Well made and solid, finishes on it aren't too bad. Just needs a little TLC and I bet I can do it.
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Bullet Dodged. But Suspicions Persist.
Phrecklette didn't say anything tonight at my friend's house...but I can tell she suspects something. She kept asking me about BF to gauge my reaction. I felt bad lying to her, but only because I think she knew I was lying. But in another sense, I didn't feel bad -- because it's my life and none of her business and she should let me figure it out myself. I know she's invested a lot in me, but I have to find my own way.
In some ways, I wish I could say that I had not been in contact with BF. Now we're even saying ILY again...not just him, but me too. But I feel like I've got to force it out of my mouth sometimes...that I don't really want to say it. I feel like saying ILY is a surrender of sorts, a declaration that 'you've got me now' and you don't have to do any more work. I have given myself an escape hatch, which is that he must do the 'work' he's supposed to be doing...seeing a counselor for his problems. He hasn't done that yet. So much remains to be seen.
But does it really remain to be seen? I'm forcing myself to settle and I feel that. Oh relationships are such a pain in the ass. Is this even worth it?
As long as he stays at arm's-length, we do great. It's like regular dating again, not playing house like what we were doing before. I'm glad it's changed. What we were doing before had a comfort level to it, but I knew something was amiss, not the obvious things -- but the advanced level of the relationship in comparison to its age.
Another thing -- Phrecklette is doing so much better without him around. My God, her behavior has improved about 150%. MUCH better. Must be easier when you don't have a fuckin drill sergeant around and you're only 4. She had to go to the naughty chair tonight, but I could tell that my friend (hmmm...I should give her a code name) was impressed by her manners, especially when you consider what her manners used to be. :) So I'm gonna pat myself on the back for that one. :)
Phrecklette didn't say anything tonight at my friend's house...but I can tell she suspects something. She kept asking me about BF to gauge my reaction. I felt bad lying to her, but only because I think she knew I was lying. But in another sense, I didn't feel bad -- because it's my life and none of her business and she should let me figure it out myself. I know she's invested a lot in me, but I have to find my own way.
In some ways, I wish I could say that I had not been in contact with BF. Now we're even saying ILY again...not just him, but me too. But I feel like I've got to force it out of my mouth sometimes...that I don't really want to say it. I feel like saying ILY is a surrender of sorts, a declaration that 'you've got me now' and you don't have to do any more work. I have given myself an escape hatch, which is that he must do the 'work' he's supposed to be doing...seeing a counselor for his problems. He hasn't done that yet. So much remains to be seen.
But does it really remain to be seen? I'm forcing myself to settle and I feel that. Oh relationships are such a pain in the ass. Is this even worth it?
As long as he stays at arm's-length, we do great. It's like regular dating again, not playing house like what we were doing before. I'm glad it's changed. What we were doing before had a comfort level to it, but I knew something was amiss, not the obvious things -- but the advanced level of the relationship in comparison to its age.
Another thing -- Phrecklette is doing so much better without him around. My God, her behavior has improved about 150%. MUCH better. Must be easier when you don't have a fuckin drill sergeant around and you're only 4. She had to go to the naughty chair tonight, but I could tell that my friend (hmmm...I should give her a code name) was impressed by her manners, especially when you consider what her manners used to be. :) So I'm gonna pat myself on the back for that one. :)
So can you tell I have serious amounts of spare time at work?
OMG!! I am so happy!! APPARENTLY, you can change the URL to your 'Blog just like that! So I changed mine. No more worries about my sister accidentally stumbing onto those nasty little things I have said about her. Oh wait, that didn't work. Phuck. BUT the good thing is that she will only see the old nastiness and none of the new nasty things that I will surely say about Sista Phreckle as time marches on...and she will forgive me for the old nasties. But one cannot continue to post nasties about someone and expect them to continue to forgive one's nasty ass, now can one? So therefore, the URL change will help me in that aspect. May the Nasties march on!
Ok so I am sitting on the Throne in the ladies' room earlier, thinking about how wouldn't it be neat if La Phreckle became famous? No I don't mean the person behind La Phreckle -- I mean this blog. I mean, aren't I incredibly clever? And funny? And isn't it amazing that my ego is puffed up to the size of the Empire State Building as well? I mean, I could have a La Phreckle empire, couldn't I? YES YES!!! I will change my email addies, my messenger names...all to...LA PHRECKLE! And then, after someone has had the fortune of stumbling upon this incredibly grand, incrediby incredible most incredible (gosh I use that word a lot) stupefyingly smashing blog, and they see me playing pool on Yahoo (isn't that what lifeless single parents like me do? lol) they will say AHA!! It's the Incredible yet Anonymous La Phreckle!!! And then someday I will write a book and have plenty of money to do whatever the phuck I want. Lovely plan.
You know, I haven't told anyone that I'm even having anything to do with BF at all...even the people in my Yahoo groups. I know they all think I'm a flake anyway...and anyone who reads this blog will agree, I am sure. :)
But you know -- everyone's a little flakey. Yep. In their little idiosyncracies...in their own little worlds. But not everyone wears it on their sleeve. I'm working on not doing that, but I am just a pretty straightforward person. I think it's a mark of immaturity. I mean, people don't really want to know my business. Even my friends don't really want to know about BF, or Phrecklette...at least, not the problems associated with said parties. They only want to hear about the good things that happen with any given area of one's life. Friends don't really want to hear about your problems. Then they feel obligated to give you advice. Whether or not you follow their advice is, of course, up to you. But if you don't, you are now marked as being someone who must be daft for not following their advice. So I am slowly learning to just not tell anyone a damn thing...including my BF, who also thinks it is his duty to give me his advice. Thanks, I can figure it out myself, k?
OMG!! I am so happy!! APPARENTLY, you can change the URL to your 'Blog just like that! So I changed mine. No more worries about my sister accidentally stumbing onto those nasty little things I have said about her. Oh wait, that didn't work. Phuck. BUT the good thing is that she will only see the old nastiness and none of the new nasty things that I will surely say about Sista Phreckle as time marches on...and she will forgive me for the old nasties. But one cannot continue to post nasties about someone and expect them to continue to forgive one's nasty ass, now can one? So therefore, the URL change will help me in that aspect. May the Nasties march on!
Ok so I am sitting on the Throne in the ladies' room earlier, thinking about how wouldn't it be neat if La Phreckle became famous? No I don't mean the person behind La Phreckle -- I mean this blog. I mean, aren't I incredibly clever? And funny? And isn't it amazing that my ego is puffed up to the size of the Empire State Building as well? I mean, I could have a La Phreckle empire, couldn't I? YES YES!!! I will change my email addies, my messenger names...all to...LA PHRECKLE! And then, after someone has had the fortune of stumbling upon this incredibly grand, incrediby incredible most incredible (gosh I use that word a lot) stupefyingly smashing blog, and they see me playing pool on Yahoo (isn't that what lifeless single parents like me do? lol) they will say AHA!! It's the Incredible yet Anonymous La Phreckle!!! And then someday I will write a book and have plenty of money to do whatever the phuck I want. Lovely plan.
You know, I haven't told anyone that I'm even having anything to do with BF at all...even the people in my Yahoo groups. I know they all think I'm a flake anyway...and anyone who reads this blog will agree, I am sure. :)
But you know -- everyone's a little flakey. Yep. In their little idiosyncracies...in their own little worlds. But not everyone wears it on their sleeve. I'm working on not doing that, but I am just a pretty straightforward person. I think it's a mark of immaturity. I mean, people don't really want to know my business. Even my friends don't really want to know about BF, or Phrecklette...at least, not the problems associated with said parties. They only want to hear about the good things that happen with any given area of one's life. Friends don't really want to hear about your problems. Then they feel obligated to give you advice. Whether or not you follow their advice is, of course, up to you. But if you don't, you are now marked as being someone who must be daft for not following their advice. So I am slowly learning to just not tell anyone a damn thing...including my BF, who also thinks it is his duty to give me his advice. Thanks, I can figure it out myself, k?
You know, losing weight really gives you some good insight into people.
When you’re losing weight, people alllll notice and they comment and they want to know how you’re doing it so they can lose some ass too.
When you’re gaining, they notice, but only the few, the proud, the truly gauche actually say anything. You never hear people saying to you, “Wow, you really lost some weight, but your ass is getting bigger every day, tubby. How are you doing that? Can you tell me? Because, damnit, I been trying to get some more blubber onto my frame for a while now and NOTHING’S WORKING! Share your secrets!”
About the only person who tells me I look pretty and beautiful anymore is my sorta-boyfriend. But whenever he gives you a compliment about how you look, it’s like a two-edged sword. Why, you may ask? Because he likes fat chicks lol. Good lord, he likes seeing jiggling flesh…and that is the only thing I am sayin about that. You can see why his compliments don’t carry a whole lot of weight. If you ask him if you look fat, he’ll say no, because that’s not how he sees it. He sees a beautiful girl and that’s all he sees.
When I was REALLY REALLY fat (ie 369 pounds), I used to sit there and think, gee, I wish I could look at myself like an anorexic does, cause then I would starve myself and lose the weight and then I would be happy. I never used to think about my weight all the time in terms of oh gosh I’m gaining some! Because I had never had the experience of being someone that people LIKED looking at. Someone that was considered by many to be “hot”.
Well now I’ve had that experience. So while I do look better than when I was at my top weight, I do not feel good about that. Because now I know what I could look like. I know how things could be.
But there are some benefits to being fatter again – the maintenance man would probably be into me a lot worse if I looked any better than this. It would be even harder to deal with that whack job.
Mood Swings and Personality Facets
I bet anyone who should be so fortunate as to stumble on this blog will read these posts that are variously happy and manic and then sad and despairing to angry will sit there and think…so umm, how many little friends are in there with you Secretary? None, it’s just me, the uncensored moi.
Oh dear….I think I did a bad thing…
We’re going to my friend’s house tonight and that could be bad because I am bringing Niece…who has a rather large facial orifice. Of course she does, she’s four. Soooo let’s just all pray that Niece doesn’t say anything about my sorta-boyfriend being in the hospital recently because I really don’t want to explain how she knows that or why she knows that. I am just trying to keep that particular part of my personal life out of my friend’s sphere of knowledge. She would probably have a conniption, then be nice. Then a few days later she would tell me that she doesn’t like it and that I’m ruining my life, blah blah blah. Whether she’s right or not isn’t the point – the point is that it’s something I have to figure out on my own. So please pray for me that Niece doesn’t say anything. Damnit.
When you’re losing weight, people alllll notice and they comment and they want to know how you’re doing it so they can lose some ass too.
When you’re gaining, they notice, but only the few, the proud, the truly gauche actually say anything. You never hear people saying to you, “Wow, you really lost some weight, but your ass is getting bigger every day, tubby. How are you doing that? Can you tell me? Because, damnit, I been trying to get some more blubber onto my frame for a while now and NOTHING’S WORKING! Share your secrets!”
About the only person who tells me I look pretty and beautiful anymore is my sorta-boyfriend. But whenever he gives you a compliment about how you look, it’s like a two-edged sword. Why, you may ask? Because he likes fat chicks lol. Good lord, he likes seeing jiggling flesh…and that is the only thing I am sayin about that. You can see why his compliments don’t carry a whole lot of weight. If you ask him if you look fat, he’ll say no, because that’s not how he sees it. He sees a beautiful girl and that’s all he sees.
When I was REALLY REALLY fat (ie 369 pounds), I used to sit there and think, gee, I wish I could look at myself like an anorexic does, cause then I would starve myself and lose the weight and then I would be happy. I never used to think about my weight all the time in terms of oh gosh I’m gaining some! Because I had never had the experience of being someone that people LIKED looking at. Someone that was considered by many to be “hot”.
Well now I’ve had that experience. So while I do look better than when I was at my top weight, I do not feel good about that. Because now I know what I could look like. I know how things could be.
But there are some benefits to being fatter again – the maintenance man would probably be into me a lot worse if I looked any better than this. It would be even harder to deal with that whack job.
Mood Swings and Personality Facets
I bet anyone who should be so fortunate as to stumble on this blog will read these posts that are variously happy and manic and then sad and despairing to angry will sit there and think…so umm, how many little friends are in there with you Secretary? None, it’s just me, the uncensored moi.
Oh dear….I think I did a bad thing…
We’re going to my friend’s house tonight and that could be bad because I am bringing Niece…who has a rather large facial orifice. Of course she does, she’s four. Soooo let’s just all pray that Niece doesn’t say anything about my sorta-boyfriend being in the hospital recently because I really don’t want to explain how she knows that or why she knows that. I am just trying to keep that particular part of my personal life out of my friend’s sphere of knowledge. She would probably have a conniption, then be nice. Then a few days later she would tell me that she doesn’t like it and that I’m ruining my life, blah blah blah. Whether she’s right or not isn’t the point – the point is that it’s something I have to figure out on my own. So please pray for me that Niece doesn’t say anything. Damnit.
Soooooo....wuz going onnnnnn???
Let's see, I have many little things spinning 'round in my life...
- bankruptcy
- goals
- ward
- boyfriend (sorta)
- wacked-out family problems
- bills
- job
- Mary Kay
I think what I hate the most about having gained some weight -- more than my clothes not fitting, more than losing my looks...is listening to my damn thighs rubbing together when I walk. And you know what is just horrible about that...I sit there and think that other people can hear too...even though I'm pretty sure that either A) they can't hear it, or B) they wouldn't know what they were hearing if they could hear it, or C) they are not listening for something as trivial as the fat secretary's damn thighs rubbing together as she walks.
Let's see, I have many little things spinning 'round in my life...
- bankruptcy
- goals
- ward
- boyfriend (sorta)
- wacked-out family problems
- bills
- job
- Mary Kay
I think what I hate the most about having gained some weight -- more than my clothes not fitting, more than losing my looks...is listening to my damn thighs rubbing together when I walk. And you know what is just horrible about that...I sit there and think that other people can hear too...even though I'm pretty sure that either A) they can't hear it, or B) they wouldn't know what they were hearing if they could hear it, or C) they are not listening for something as trivial as the fat secretary's damn thighs rubbing together as she walks.
Monday, February 21, 2005
Love Bites
Why does listening to this song make me feel lonely?
Right now I just feel lonely, useless, and wasted. Not wasted in the sense of inebriation -- wasted in the sense that I'm a waste of a human being...why am I here, God? Why did you put me here? What do you want me to do? And if I'm doing it right now by saving this little girl from her stupid fucking mother, then why don't You give me the fulfillment that I need and want so desperately?
This is where my eating behaviors come into play. Right now I just want to numb out and stop feeling this fucking loneliness, this wastefulness, this boredom, this void. I want to fill it up. Seems the only way to fill it up sometimes is to stuff it full of ice cream, until I feel bloated and full. But that just goes away, so that doesn't fucking work, does it?
So sometimes I try alcohol -- presently I have little to no tolerance, so that works satisfactorily sometimes...only after Phrecklette is in bed though. I don't want to be a lush while she's around...DUH. But I know that if it ever got out of control, it would destroy me. Alcohol is not good for anyone in my family. And it's harder to resist it when you live alone and you're relying solely on yourself all the time, and you have a lot of alone-time after that child is in bed.
And you look forward and you see the day when that child will be ripped out of your home and placed with her stupid excuse of a mother (god I hope she never reads this). I love my sister but she will never be a satisfactory mom. She's got her own demons to battle. Why did I ever tell her about this blog? Guess it's not really that different than her telling me about her blog and then reading about how much she hates me on it. Difference is -- I don't hate my sister and I never have. I love her, but she has to figure out her life. I don't have the energy to help her enough. So she's on her own, unfortunately.
The feeling of worthlessness fuels my desire to eat, to drink, and to spend excessively. Only by doing those three things do I get any peace in my head. It's a lot easier to ignore how you feel when you're fresh from the excitement of something yummy to eat, or something new to wear, or work on, or some new place to go, or that feeling that you're wealthy because you're going places and doing things...never mind what you're going to do to pay that $71.00 that's going to come out of your checking account on the 24th. Or the checks you made out to Paycheck Advance when you were feeling particularly shitty and were burying yourself in the world of Shabby Chic so you don't have to face that you're getting ever fatter, after having worked your ass off to lose 140 pounds.
And you're sitting there wishing you were anorexic so you could stop fucking eating...or at least find a new obsession to keep your mind off your old crutch. Anything to help me escape and forget and just make it stop. You get so damned tired of always having to try and be normal...you curse your mom and dad for fucking you up and you wish you could just have had a fairly normal childhood so you wouldn't be like this. But all that wishing is pretty damned futile isn't it? Because no one has a time machine, least of all you, you poor unfortunate fool, so why don't you just quit whining?
Every time you pass by the bathroom mirror, you look at your profile and you realize your ass is getting bigger again. And your double chin is back. And you don't feel like washing your goddamned hair...you don't feel like bathing. In fact, that bath you had last Wednesday was the first in probably about a month. But you are good at covering that up because you're so practiced at feeling unworthy and shitty. So you wash your hair, you put on your clean, ironed clothes, you put on your makeup and some snazzy accessories, and you think no one notices, but you know that deep down, they probably have their antennae up and have detected something wrong with your sorry ass.
You sit here and you wonder...what the fuck is wrong with me?
Why does listening to this song make me feel lonely?
Right now I just feel lonely, useless, and wasted. Not wasted in the sense of inebriation -- wasted in the sense that I'm a waste of a human being...why am I here, God? Why did you put me here? What do you want me to do? And if I'm doing it right now by saving this little girl from her stupid fucking mother, then why don't You give me the fulfillment that I need and want so desperately?
This is where my eating behaviors come into play. Right now I just want to numb out and stop feeling this fucking loneliness, this wastefulness, this boredom, this void. I want to fill it up. Seems the only way to fill it up sometimes is to stuff it full of ice cream, until I feel bloated and full. But that just goes away, so that doesn't fucking work, does it?
So sometimes I try alcohol -- presently I have little to no tolerance, so that works satisfactorily sometimes...only after Phrecklette is in bed though. I don't want to be a lush while she's around...DUH. But I know that if it ever got out of control, it would destroy me. Alcohol is not good for anyone in my family. And it's harder to resist it when you live alone and you're relying solely on yourself all the time, and you have a lot of alone-time after that child is in bed.
And you look forward and you see the day when that child will be ripped out of your home and placed with her stupid excuse of a mother (god I hope she never reads this). I love my sister but she will never be a satisfactory mom. She's got her own demons to battle. Why did I ever tell her about this blog? Guess it's not really that different than her telling me about her blog and then reading about how much she hates me on it. Difference is -- I don't hate my sister and I never have. I love her, but she has to figure out her life. I don't have the energy to help her enough. So she's on her own, unfortunately.
The feeling of worthlessness fuels my desire to eat, to drink, and to spend excessively. Only by doing those three things do I get any peace in my head. It's a lot easier to ignore how you feel when you're fresh from the excitement of something yummy to eat, or something new to wear, or work on, or some new place to go, or that feeling that you're wealthy because you're going places and doing things...never mind what you're going to do to pay that $71.00 that's going to come out of your checking account on the 24th. Or the checks you made out to Paycheck Advance when you were feeling particularly shitty and were burying yourself in the world of Shabby Chic so you don't have to face that you're getting ever fatter, after having worked your ass off to lose 140 pounds.
And you're sitting there wishing you were anorexic so you could stop fucking eating...or at least find a new obsession to keep your mind off your old crutch. Anything to help me escape and forget and just make it stop. You get so damned tired of always having to try and be normal...you curse your mom and dad for fucking you up and you wish you could just have had a fairly normal childhood so you wouldn't be like this. But all that wishing is pretty damned futile isn't it? Because no one has a time machine, least of all you, you poor unfortunate fool, so why don't you just quit whining?
Every time you pass by the bathroom mirror, you look at your profile and you realize your ass is getting bigger again. And your double chin is back. And you don't feel like washing your goddamned hair...you don't feel like bathing. In fact, that bath you had last Wednesday was the first in probably about a month. But you are good at covering that up because you're so practiced at feeling unworthy and shitty. So you wash your hair, you put on your clean, ironed clothes, you put on your makeup and some snazzy accessories, and you think no one notices, but you know that deep down, they probably have their antennae up and have detected something wrong with your sorry ass.
You sit here and you wonder...what the fuck is wrong with me?
November 30, 2004
Tonight I have come home from my weekly Tuesday Mary Kay meeting. I change out of my clothes; Boyfriend has put Phrecklette to bed and he waits for me in my room. I am so in love with him...our relationship is so warm and cozy and just going awesomely. I am just putting some invoices into my MK software, then I am coming to bed...also checking emails, including looking for emails from Brandon.
Then I'm looking at my emails saved on my computer, cleaning them out. I see some from Boyfriend's ex to him...and they talk about their illicit sexual affair. So I print the email out and go in my room and confront him with them. I'm seeing red. He pops off with some stupid lie and I go back to my computer, then I email Trisha and tell her I want to know what's up...so she calls me after work and by this time I've told Boyfriend that she'll be calling and she'll be telling me everything. Did you sleep with her? YES. He slept with her. He slept with that fuckin whore.
I decide after talking to Ms. Whackjob that I am not going to break up with Boyfriend just yet -- I am going to keep him around that night so he can take Phrecklette to school in the morning -- since we've been up half the night dealing with his sins. And so he can babysit that Wednesday for me while I do an appointment.
I come back from my appointment Wednesday night and I tell him to go away while I figure it out. I'd already decided to break up with him.
So that Saturday I break up with that fucker. But by Sunday I want him back, because I'm so lonely and I miss our friendship and what we had so badly. So I make up a pretext to call him and I take him back. I give him a second chance.
Monday night, my car is repo'd. Now I have no choice but to start playing married with him, because I have no other way to survive.
This really fucks things up. I can't take my time trusting him again. I am so afraid of him walking off that I know I have to hurry up and trust and love again. I am resentful of this in the extreme. What's more, he acts like he knows it, but he only acts that way in a subtle manner, so that if I say anything, I look like I have a complex about men controlling women.
Every time I want to use the truck, I have to answer 20 questions. I have to justify whatever it is I want to do. He takes over decisions about my ward. He enacts cruel, sadistic punishments (in my eyes anyway). That poor girl spends more time crying than doing anything else. More time sitting on the floor a certain way in punishment, or standing against the wall, than playing. I start hating him. I especially hate that he just overrules me. Maybe I hate myself more for letting him. But every time I stand up to him, it ends up being a 3 hour argument and nothing changes. And I can't get rid of him because I am dependent. I start intensifying my search for a car.
Especially after my therapist and my friend stage an 'intervention' one night. Basically, they tell me I am ruining my life and no one can help me anymore. My friend's pissed because I've ruined some of my progress. She's invested a lot of herself in me. Therapist is pissed because I'm just telling her whatever I think she wants to hear.
After that, I decide I'm not going down that path anymore. I intensify my search for a car even more.
I find one on Freecycle.
1/24/2005
I take possession of my car.
1/26/2005
BF and I have a fight...I try to break up with him again.
Since the cheating, I honestly have not felt love for him. I stop having sex with him. I don't feel right letting him have access to my body when I don't have any love for him.
February 2005
BF and I have a huge fight...the police are called after he won't let me leave my apartment. BF is escorted out and the next day I make the break with him. But I really miss him again and though no one else knows it, I take him back a week later. We're not official though -- we both have admitted we have things to work out, and we can't have a real relationship until those things are resolved.
Since we've been apart and don't play house anymore, we've been doing better. It's more like it used to be in the beginning. I'm handling Phrecklette by myself, I have my own car, and I have my own life. And I like it this way.
So that brings us up to the present.
Tonight I have come home from my weekly Tuesday Mary Kay meeting. I change out of my clothes; Boyfriend has put Phrecklette to bed and he waits for me in my room. I am so in love with him...our relationship is so warm and cozy and just going awesomely. I am just putting some invoices into my MK software, then I am coming to bed...also checking emails, including looking for emails from Brandon.
Then I'm looking at my emails saved on my computer, cleaning them out. I see some from Boyfriend's ex to him...and they talk about their illicit sexual affair. So I print the email out and go in my room and confront him with them. I'm seeing red. He pops off with some stupid lie and I go back to my computer, then I email Trisha and tell her I want to know what's up...so she calls me after work and by this time I've told Boyfriend that she'll be calling and she'll be telling me everything. Did you sleep with her? YES. He slept with her. He slept with that fuckin whore.
I decide after talking to Ms. Whackjob that I am not going to break up with Boyfriend just yet -- I am going to keep him around that night so he can take Phrecklette to school in the morning -- since we've been up half the night dealing with his sins. And so he can babysit that Wednesday for me while I do an appointment.
I come back from my appointment Wednesday night and I tell him to go away while I figure it out. I'd already decided to break up with him.
So that Saturday I break up with that fucker. But by Sunday I want him back, because I'm so lonely and I miss our friendship and what we had so badly. So I make up a pretext to call him and I take him back. I give him a second chance.
Monday night, my car is repo'd. Now I have no choice but to start playing married with him, because I have no other way to survive.
This really fucks things up. I can't take my time trusting him again. I am so afraid of him walking off that I know I have to hurry up and trust and love again. I am resentful of this in the extreme. What's more, he acts like he knows it, but he only acts that way in a subtle manner, so that if I say anything, I look like I have a complex about men controlling women.
Every time I want to use the truck, I have to answer 20 questions. I have to justify whatever it is I want to do. He takes over decisions about my ward. He enacts cruel, sadistic punishments (in my eyes anyway). That poor girl spends more time crying than doing anything else. More time sitting on the floor a certain way in punishment, or standing against the wall, than playing. I start hating him. I especially hate that he just overrules me. Maybe I hate myself more for letting him. But every time I stand up to him, it ends up being a 3 hour argument and nothing changes. And I can't get rid of him because I am dependent. I start intensifying my search for a car.
Especially after my therapist and my friend stage an 'intervention' one night. Basically, they tell me I am ruining my life and no one can help me anymore. My friend's pissed because I've ruined some of my progress. She's invested a lot of herself in me. Therapist is pissed because I'm just telling her whatever I think she wants to hear.
After that, I decide I'm not going down that path anymore. I intensify my search for a car even more.
I find one on Freecycle.
1/24/2005
I take possession of my car.
1/26/2005
BF and I have a fight...I try to break up with him again.
Since the cheating, I honestly have not felt love for him. I stop having sex with him. I don't feel right letting him have access to my body when I don't have any love for him.
February 2005
BF and I have a huge fight...the police are called after he won't let me leave my apartment. BF is escorted out and the next day I make the break with him. But I really miss him again and though no one else knows it, I take him back a week later. We're not official though -- we both have admitted we have things to work out, and we can't have a real relationship until those things are resolved.
Since we've been apart and don't play house anymore, we've been doing better. It's more like it used to be in the beginning. I'm handling Phrecklette by myself, I have my own car, and I have my own life. And I like it this way.
So that brings us up to the present.
8/10/2004
I finally pin Brandon down 3 days before he's supposed to be here...and no, he's not coming...he doesn't 'love' me anymore, etc. I tell him goodbye and try to put him out of my mind as I build a relationship with my new BF.
But BF isn't doing so hot either...he's in AA yet still drinking...eventually, he 'realizes' that he's not an alcoholic after all. Wow. What a revelation. How I wish I could believe it were true.
8/12/2004
After I've observed more going wrong with my family, my therapist uses my reports (with my permission) to call CPS yet again. I observed when I came over one night that Phrecklette had red marks all over her butt.
8/31/2004
Brandon had made contact with me again, and we supposedly were working things out. Whatever. We 'break up' again. By this time, it has little effect on me at all.
9/17/2004
I go up to St. Paul to visit JoAnn. CPS picks Phrecklette up and places her in foster care.
By this time, I've gained about 30 pounds. Best friend notices that my wrists are not as thin as they were when I had seen her in June.
9/19/2004
I leave St. Paul for home, after finding out that CPS has picked Phrecklette up from the home. I call her CPS caseworker from my best friend's kitchen in St. Paul and volunteer for placement.
9/20/2004
I take the necessary steps to have Phrecklette placed with me. A home inspection is scheduled for that day with the caseworker, who doesn't show up.
9/21/2004
We reschedule the home visit for that evening after I get home from work. Well she doesn't just do the home visit, she brings Phrecklette with her. I felt my heart leap in my chest to see my baby again and to be her mommy again. Off we go to get a bed for Phrecklette to sleep in.
9/22/2004
Phrecklette starts HeadStart today.
November 2004
HeadStart closes down for about 2 weeks. That didn't work for me, so we switched to LaPetite Academy. Much better place for my munchkin. :)
I finally pin Brandon down 3 days before he's supposed to be here...and no, he's not coming...he doesn't 'love' me anymore, etc. I tell him goodbye and try to put him out of my mind as I build a relationship with my new BF.
But BF isn't doing so hot either...he's in AA yet still drinking...eventually, he 'realizes' that he's not an alcoholic after all. Wow. What a revelation. How I wish I could believe it were true.
8/12/2004
After I've observed more going wrong with my family, my therapist uses my reports (with my permission) to call CPS yet again. I observed when I came over one night that Phrecklette had red marks all over her butt.
8/31/2004
Brandon had made contact with me again, and we supposedly were working things out. Whatever. We 'break up' again. By this time, it has little effect on me at all.
9/17/2004
I go up to St. Paul to visit JoAnn. CPS picks Phrecklette up and places her in foster care.
By this time, I've gained about 30 pounds. Best friend notices that my wrists are not as thin as they were when I had seen her in June.
9/19/2004
I leave St. Paul for home, after finding out that CPS has picked Phrecklette up from the home. I call her CPS caseworker from my best friend's kitchen in St. Paul and volunteer for placement.
9/20/2004
I take the necessary steps to have Phrecklette placed with me. A home inspection is scheduled for that day with the caseworker, who doesn't show up.
9/21/2004
We reschedule the home visit for that evening after I get home from work. Well she doesn't just do the home visit, she brings Phrecklette with her. I felt my heart leap in my chest to see my baby again and to be her mommy again. Off we go to get a bed for Phrecklette to sleep in.
9/22/2004
Phrecklette starts HeadStart today.
November 2004
HeadStart closes down for about 2 weeks. That didn't work for me, so we switched to LaPetite Academy. Much better place for my munchkin. :)
Following from May 2004…
June 2004…
Sista Phreckle decides that she is ready to be a mom again. What a load of crap.
In July, I see that Phrecklette is losing weight and that her dark circles are worse. She's not being dressed at all, she's not going outside to play, she's being yelled at and being given generous amounts of corporal punishment again. I can't sit still any longer.
July 5, 2004
My friends all urge me to call CPS and one day, I conference my friend in, and we do it together. I feel sick afterward, having just betrayed my family.
July 7, 2004
I start dating new BF exlusively. Meanwhile, plans for Brandon to come out out Nebraska for his birthday continue. I know that he won't show up. But I play along, figuring it'll be easier to end things with him now that his heir apparent is waiting in the wings.
July 9, 2004
CPS comes out to talk to my sister. They observe Phrecklette outside, playing alone in nothing but a pull-up, for 20 minutes, and then knock on the door. The CPS worker calls me at work, trying to come up with a pretext to take Phrecklette out of the home. I can't give her one. Part of me knows I could say something that would give her one, but another part of me won't allow me to go that far.
My sister calls me after they leave, and calls me a terrible name. My mom is wailing in the background about it and she calls me a terrible name too. My family won't speak to me for a few days but then they calm down after it appears that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is a Family Support Worker. All's not lost, Social Services is going to provide services to try and keep Phrecklette in the home. Positive things start happening -- including that CPS is going to put Phrecklette in HeadStart, and they're going to foot the bill.
June 2004…
Sista Phreckle decides that she is ready to be a mom again. What a load of crap.
In July, I see that Phrecklette is losing weight and that her dark circles are worse. She's not being dressed at all, she's not going outside to play, she's being yelled at and being given generous amounts of corporal punishment again. I can't sit still any longer.
July 5, 2004
My friends all urge me to call CPS and one day, I conference my friend in, and we do it together. I feel sick afterward, having just betrayed my family.
July 7, 2004
I start dating new BF exlusively. Meanwhile, plans for Brandon to come out out Nebraska for his birthday continue. I know that he won't show up. But I play along, figuring it'll be easier to end things with him now that his heir apparent is waiting in the wings.
July 9, 2004
CPS comes out to talk to my sister. They observe Phrecklette outside, playing alone in nothing but a pull-up, for 20 minutes, and then knock on the door. The CPS worker calls me at work, trying to come up with a pretext to take Phrecklette out of the home. I can't give her one. Part of me knows I could say something that would give her one, but another part of me won't allow me to go that far.
My sister calls me after they leave, and calls me a terrible name. My mom is wailing in the background about it and she calls me a terrible name too. My family won't speak to me for a few days but then they calm down after it appears that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is a Family Support Worker. All's not lost, Social Services is going to provide services to try and keep Phrecklette in the home. Positive things start happening -- including that CPS is going to put Phrecklette in HeadStart, and they're going to foot the bill.
Update -- What's been going on since 10/2003
My last post was 10/13/03. Wow. Long time ago. Lemme check out my life chronology that I started a while back to see what all has happened since then.
10/23/03
Divorce hearing. Husband looks at the 'new' Secretary and mouth waters, apparently.
Another thing that happened this night was that I took my sister out to dinner to celebrate, ostensibly, then suggested that Niece come to live with me, because she was screwing her child up.
Let me explain… A week or two prior to that, I came over to my parents' house and saw Niece with a sock tied around her ankles to keep her in her crib. A week after that, I came over and there was duct-tape residue around her calves and feet. When I asked my sister about it, she pointed to my mom and said, "Mom did it."
The underlying thought here -- but you let her. And you're supposed to be protecting this child from things like that. I knew something had to be done.
I'm not sure if God knew this was going to happen and so He led me to get a bigger apartment…but I got a bigger apartment. I moved upstairs and by November 1st, Niece was living with me.
Her first day of daycare was November 3, 2003.
February 2004 - Valentine's Day
During this whole time, from March 2003 to about August 2004, I was having this internet 'relationship' with some guy from Maryland named B. He broke his promises to come out here and meet me or for me to come out there and meet him more times than I actually remember. We were supposedly going to meet at this time, but it didn't happen…again. I started dating after this.
Internet relationships are nothing more than fantasy, honestly. Especially when the 'meet' date keeps moving. More on internet 'relationships' later.
March 2004
I started Mary Kay on 3/25/2004. Again. I love doing Mary Kay. It's a lot of fun…but it's work. During this time, I was doing so much Mary Kay, it would spin around my head at night. I could hardly sleep because I was so excited about my business. I had appointments every day of the week.
I had my sister babysit. She really did this very grudgingly. My mother actually accused me of playing 'dump and run' with Niece and her little friend every weekend. She was kind of right. I hungered for my old single life and felt cheated and used because I was being Niece's mom, but my sister was still receiving ADC, and I was receiving no help paying for daycare at all. Daycare at this time was about $85 per week. And it didn't help my emotional turmoil that my sister openly complained and whined about having to take care of her own child whenever I asked her to. This 'gentleman's agreement' was not working at all, really.
During this time, I was not losing any weight. I would get depressed during periods and gain and then lose. My band felt (and feels) like the enemy at times. Sister felt like she was taking care of Niece all the time. This, of course, is not true, as Niece went to daycare during the day and Sister only had to care for her a couple of hours each night and sometimes all day on the weekends so I could get some sanity. Man, you should have heard Sister whining about it. She even told me once that, "You volunteered to take Niece, but I'm still taking care of her all the time!" Well wah wah wah. I did not feel an ounce of sorrow for her.
But one thing I should have realized is that Sister was starting to feel that there was no need for Phrecklette to be with me since she felt she was taking care of the child 'all the time'. So no need to pay for daycare, right? More on that later too.
April 2004
My divorce was finalized on the 23rd of this month.
May 2004
B didn't show up again. Surprise surprise. Hmmm…can't remember if this was the time that I took a week off to spend with him or not…but after this, I started dating in earnest.
My last post was 10/13/03. Wow. Long time ago. Lemme check out my life chronology that I started a while back to see what all has happened since then.
10/23/03
Divorce hearing. Husband looks at the 'new' Secretary and mouth waters, apparently.
Another thing that happened this night was that I took my sister out to dinner to celebrate, ostensibly, then suggested that Niece come to live with me, because she was screwing her child up.
Let me explain… A week or two prior to that, I came over to my parents' house and saw Niece with a sock tied around her ankles to keep her in her crib. A week after that, I came over and there was duct-tape residue around her calves and feet. When I asked my sister about it, she pointed to my mom and said, "Mom did it."
The underlying thought here -- but you let her. And you're supposed to be protecting this child from things like that. I knew something had to be done.
I'm not sure if God knew this was going to happen and so He led me to get a bigger apartment…but I got a bigger apartment. I moved upstairs and by November 1st, Niece was living with me.
Her first day of daycare was November 3, 2003.
February 2004 - Valentine's Day
During this whole time, from March 2003 to about August 2004, I was having this internet 'relationship' with some guy from Maryland named B. He broke his promises to come out here and meet me or for me to come out there and meet him more times than I actually remember. We were supposedly going to meet at this time, but it didn't happen…again. I started dating after this.
Internet relationships are nothing more than fantasy, honestly. Especially when the 'meet' date keeps moving. More on internet 'relationships' later.
March 2004
I started Mary Kay on 3/25/2004. Again. I love doing Mary Kay. It's a lot of fun…but it's work. During this time, I was doing so much Mary Kay, it would spin around my head at night. I could hardly sleep because I was so excited about my business. I had appointments every day of the week.
I had my sister babysit. She really did this very grudgingly. My mother actually accused me of playing 'dump and run' with Niece and her little friend every weekend. She was kind of right. I hungered for my old single life and felt cheated and used because I was being Niece's mom, but my sister was still receiving ADC, and I was receiving no help paying for daycare at all. Daycare at this time was about $85 per week. And it didn't help my emotional turmoil that my sister openly complained and whined about having to take care of her own child whenever I asked her to. This 'gentleman's agreement' was not working at all, really.
During this time, I was not losing any weight. I would get depressed during periods and gain and then lose. My band felt (and feels) like the enemy at times. Sister felt like she was taking care of Niece all the time. This, of course, is not true, as Niece went to daycare during the day and Sister only had to care for her a couple of hours each night and sometimes all day on the weekends so I could get some sanity. Man, you should have heard Sister whining about it. She even told me once that, "You volunteered to take Niece, but I'm still taking care of her all the time!" Well wah wah wah. I did not feel an ounce of sorrow for her.
But one thing I should have realized is that Sister was starting to feel that there was no need for Phrecklette to be with me since she felt she was taking care of the child 'all the time'. So no need to pay for daycare, right? More on that later too.
April 2004
My divorce was finalized on the 23rd of this month.
May 2004
B didn't show up again. Surprise surprise. Hmmm…can't remember if this was the time that I took a week off to spend with him or not…but after this, I started dating in earnest.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)