Shrinking Worlds...

My main concern right now, which I'm not sure how to solve but which I am getting closer to a solution to day by day, is that of the shrinkage of my world. I was going to say my world and the Mackistani's. Did I mention he lives with us? He does indeed.

The Mackistani used to love going to the gym, playing tennis, and stuff like that. Lately, he just comes home, waits for me to make dinner, and watches TV. D usually either tries to tickle him or irritate him, depending on her mood. I'm not saying that's bad in terms of why isn't he helping me or something. I'm saying that this cannot be helping how he feels about himself.

So last night after D goes to bed, we're sitting there watching TV.

Sick of watching TV, I say, 'You know what honey?'

'What?'

'Watching TV is boring. It makes me feel old, like I have no life, like I'm 40 and I'm just killing time until bedtime rolls around.'

'Ok, so let's shut off the TV and go to bed.'

'No, I don't want to go to bed.'

'You want me to talk to you?'

'Yes?'

'Ok, what do you want me to talk about?'

'I don't know, pick something.' Then I remembered something I'd wanted to tell him about -- two middle-aged people who were playing tongue wrestle in their ginormous gas-guzzling old Caddy in traffic today at a stoplight. Another nasty reminder that even the less-than-beautiful people still get jiggy. Never mind that we are both members of the less-than-beautiful-people party. Actually, the Mackistani told me one night, 'Honestly, you are much prettier than me.' Awww, he knows exactly what to say. :)

So then we talked for a while. We finally went to bed. But I am still thinking about this. Life doesn't feel like living unless you have plenty of human connections and self-actualization. IE You make your dreams and your wants into an actuality rather than them remaining forever a fantasy. When we're just coming home everyday, watching TV until we fall into a coma, we're wasting our lives and our time. We're not doing anythng useful except numbing out. It's like after D goes to bed, we just sit there. While she's up, things are much more lively. But at the same time, where is the love there? I don't feel all that connected then either. I mean, I feel connected to the Mackistani and to D, but we're not connecting by doing things together. I'm not sure how to put it, but I feel like something is being revealed here and I'm slowly approaching what it means. I'm getting closer to the answer.

I guess I know the answer -- turn off the dang TV. Watch one show, then turn it off and do something together, something meaningful, or at least something that feels less boring and less like we're waiting to die. Even if it's playing Candyland or Monopoly.

Extremely Important Issue Alert Update

This is extremely important. Please tuuuuune in.

No more free pop at work! There is now a SIGN on the refrigerator that houses our pop supply here at the office…"Please refrain from consuming the beverages. They are for client visits, visitors, and...something or other I can't remember what it says, I think it says...meetings."

Yeah, whatever, you cheap-a$$ secretary. Puh-lease. If no one consumed the 'beverages', they would expire, which is what has happened to many of them in recent weeks. There are NO client visits up here and very few visitors. Meetings? Oh come on. That is dumber than dumb.

This must have come about after she overheard me telling the new VP that the supplies used to be for all of the above but now there are so few client visits that it's open-season. Man, I wish I could be a quieter person!!!

It's Britney, B*tch

This morning I had a client visit. I am extremely irritable this morning, despite going to bed early and taking a Tylenol to boot. Two in fact, which is enough to give me a buzz, frankly.

So of course I'm running late as can be and hoping against hope the clients will not be early. I'm trying to hurry my little blossom along, but let me tell you something about my little blossom - she has a will of steel and she will not be moved any faster than she intends to move, unless you are offering either candy or money. A has caught onto this, which is why he frequently offers her either candy or money to get her to be quiet, stop fighting, or whatever else he wants her to do.

I finally drop off the little one and I'm irritated but proud of her that she is so good at taking care of herself, because that little thing bundled right up this morning in a coat and mittens though it's only raining. :) So cute.

Moving on, I arrive at work at about 8:10. The clients arrive right as I do and they are not due here until 8:30. Crazy b*st*rds. So I hurry into the EBC, oversized shoes flopping around and pants falling into said shoes, and get right to work. Thank God I had ordered catering from the Café guy, otherwise I'd have been SO screwed. I hurry up, put out the glasses, pop, and water, and hightail it outta there. My heart is beating really fast and I am super-stressed and cursing at everything.

While I walk out of the Field of Dreams conference room, I see the gent whose client visit this is walking in, and he looks at me in amazement, "Secretary, you're…here. I didn't think you were here.'

I am so serene and smile and say, 'Of course I'm here, silly,' and keep walking. I am the picture of confidence.

So as I'm walking out of the Field of Dreams lobby, Twiggy is walking in and she looks at me and goes, 'Oh. You're here. Everything's set up?'

'Yep, we're good to go,' and here's the kicker, 'I tried to call upstairs to let someone know that I'm here but I got the voicemail, otherwise I'd have let you know that all is well.' IE it's nearly 8:30 and you haven't turned that off yet? HA! Gotcha!

Well, you know I really miss Twiggy when she's not here, because then I have to answer her flipping phone. And can't get a damn thing done. Oh, wait, like right now,because she IS here, but she is yapping, so I am stuck with her phone. And it's ringing again. Fizzuck.

Wow

Every time I want to post a happy blog about something having to do with the Mackistani, I always think, 'Well ok, but just remember you might regret that later when it doesn't work out.' Gosh, what stupid thinking. I'm happy today and I need to just stay in today.

ANYWAY.

What a great weekend! On Friday we went to see Knocked Up. Sometimes it's hard seeing movies with the Mackistani. He doesn't have much of a willing suspension of disbelief going on. He's extremely grounded in reality. That's why it was hard to watch the latest installment of the Bourne trilogy, because during the fight scenes, he's in the seat next to me, muttering in his accented voice, 'This is such bullsh*t!. Bullsh*t. I call bullsh*t!' Just kidding about that last part. It was funny though, right? :o)

So then Saturday came and we spent most of the day at home but then went shopping because I needed some new clothes as I have lost some weight. I asked A to go with me as I always talk myself out of buying anything. It was fun but I felt awkward. I eventually got over it.

So here is the crown jewel of the weekend -- dancing at the gay club. We have this awesome gay dance club - The Max - www.TheMaxOmaha.com - and I had suggested that we go to it. So we did and we had a BLAST. We both agreed that I need sluttier clothes though. LOL. We're going to shop. LOL.

In other news, D got a bike this weekend. We are putting the training wheels on tonight. She is muy excited! I am too, because she just gained another two pounds. Oh no! That dang medication is reallllly chunking her out. I still think she's adorable but I am just worried about her health.

Have you ever been in love with someone and felt drunk on it or something? That's how I feel right now. Although he is an athlete and I'm not and there are some differences between us, this is the easiest relationship I have ever been in. Even easier than things were with ex boyfriend in the beginning. That beginning was over in month four, when I found out he'd been cheating.

I'm just happy, happy, happy. :o)

Britney's Comeback...

...what a disaster. She was plainly, PLAINLY lipsynching. Secondly, her dancing was extremely slow and sluggish. Extremely. Well, I think that's to be expected, she'd been drinking left and right all weekend. She's probably hungover in the extreme. What a twit. Why doesn't she just listen to someone?

Oh, I know why. Because she's an addict.

Bariatric Surgery is a Gamble

Today is the Sales and Marketing golf outing. Everyone has gone except for me and Supervisor. Supervisor is going out there in the afternoon to have lunch and watch the awards ceremony. Executive Assistant has my camera so she can take pictures of everyone getting drunk and Napoleon's loser face. This year, he resorted to finding out what everyone's handicap is so he could pick his team. He never wins though. Doesn't even get second place usually. He's totally cheating. But I think he might be mellowing a little bit, because yesterday he said, "I may be cheating but at least I admit it when I cheat.'

Yeah, everyone is pretty much feeling sorry for you now, Napoleon. Actually, it really stokes the competitive fire of the Directors. They just want to beat him that much more badly. I know the King certainly does.

Anyway, moving on…I think I have mentioned in this blog that two of my friends had gastric bypass surgery and one had a tummy tuck afterward. We'll call her TummyTuck.

So TummyTuck was the larger of the two of my friends and that's why she needed the TummyTuck - excess skin. She also has ginormous boobs. She has slowly been gaining her weight back. I once suggested OA to her but no dice, she was *not* interested. Well hey that's ok, it's not for everyone.

TummyTuck manages our travel department and they work extremely hard. She hired a new person who will work in Manila, Philippines and she starts Monday. TummyTuck is one of the most thoughtful people I know and she wanted to send her new hire some ABC Nuts and Bolts Company stuff. So she stopped up to see what's in the Marketing prize closet.

It's unfortunate, but it's obvious that TummyTuck has gained some more weight. She is on her way back to point A from point B. It's too bad, not for me, because I will like her no matter what, but for her, because I know how she will feel when she gets back to point A again…worthless. I just hope she can arrest her disease and avoid getting all the way back to point A. OA definitely arrested my journey back to point A (369 pounds). Thank God.

Bariatric surgery is always a gamble…it may work for a time, but once the malabsorption wears off, then you will have to work pretty hard at staying put. Which is not easy when you have a disease that you are not getting treated, IE compulsive eating.

Update

Well there's not really a whole lot to update. Since D's med change, she has been so much better. Life is about 100x easier. Thank you God for making me listen to the psychiatrist. What I don't get, though, is that she is on so many meds...oh wait, it's only two meds, just broken into many different pills. Anyway, D's therapist told me that the psychiatrist is being conservative with meds. I thought that seemed odd. I feel like D's on a lot of stuff. Mind you, this is mind-altering shit. It's not just tylenol or something. We're talking about Zoloft and Risperdal.

Sometimes I am conflicted about using meds to help D...but the alternative is not workable in our lives. I don't have a partner to help me parent this child and I don't have the resources to stay home with her. So we do the best we can do.

Meanwhile, I am trying to fire the Mackistani as my higher power. I felt so out of sorts this weekend when he first left...and a friend of mine pointed out that it was probably because my god was out of town. I did indeed find myself questioning how I do virtually everything, wondering if it met his approval or not. I don't think anyone would find that attractive. I certainly wasn't like that when we first started dating.

And doing all that worship of the Mackistani certainly is wreaking havoc on my program and on my food. So I need to correct that. My inner voice says, '...before I start gaining weight.' God says, 'Stop worrying about your weight and start working on your relationship with me and with yourself.'

Which brings me to my next question...is it worship to get all happy when he says he missed me last night? Or is that just normal? Am I being codependent when I say I can't wait till he's back? :)

Anyhoo, it's time to get in bed and prep for tomorrow with some journalling. Nighty night.

Maxine

My father is the 2nd youngest of nine children. His family lives on the West Coast and he has a decent relationship with them. Therefore, I also have a decent relationship with them. My mom is  the second oldest of 14…and she does not have a decent relationship with her family. I have a relationship with some members of her family, namely my Uncle Dougie. Whom she named. Whom he resents for same.

Just kidding.

Anyway, the point is that I get these joke emails from my dad's family. And as far as I can tell, I am the youngest of the first cousins. The other first cousins are anywhere from 40 to 60. I am 30. See?

This, then, would explain why I receive flippin Maxine emails left and right. You know Maxine, right? Emails about Maxine are usually stuff like, 'I have five boyfriends. One of them is named Charlie Horse. He takes a lot of my time and attention while he's here. Then there's Art Ritis. Then at the end of a long day, I go to bed with Ben Gay.'

How much more need I say? I'm 30. I don't have arthritis. I don't need Ben Gay after weeding a garden, although I don't actually have a garden to weed. I'm so tempted to tell my cousins to quit sending me Maxine jokes, but you know at least they're sending me something, right? Family is family.