My best friend of 22 years is going through this right now. She was a 6' ft tall, blue-eyed, blonde, size 10 when, at 23, she married her husband. He is a nice guy in all respects, but he is critical of her because she has gained weight. I just spent a weekend with her in Minnesota and I think that she has become compulsive about food.
Her guy isn't as bad as this jerk, but he did make an asinine comment about her weight in front of me. Which I called him on. I just told him, "I can't believe you just said that. That was really asinine." To which he replied (of course), "I don't care what you say." "Well that's fine, don't, but you should care what your wife is saying." Which is basically the following, "You make me feel ashamed of myself and so I desire to be intimate with you less and less. Your shaming of me also makes it harder for me to love myself enough to truly want to make changes."
Sadly, I think that their union is going to end in divorce unless they can work out their issues. She says that she doesn't want to have kids ever or at least not right now, but I sense conflict regarding children. I think she'd love to have them but not while her husband's shaming her about her weight like that. Plus she is basically taking care of him while he does very little for her. So I think she feels she already has a child to take care of and that a baby will just be added work for her and added abdication of responsibility for him.
They seem to still love each other and seem to still have some of their friendship left. How do you tell your friend that she and her husband need counselling without sounding preachy and intrusive? Answer - you don't. You let her figure it out herself, same as she let you. You hope for the best for her and prepare to offer your shoulder as necessary, without judgment.
I'm thankful to be in program so I can actually see this. So that I can see these things happening and not form my own agenda and try to shove it down her throat. Basically, I'm grateful that I can be a good friend. Finally.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Not Thin Enough in Texas," whose fiance was fixated on her weight. You told her to run from him.
I wish I had asked for advice when I met my ex-weight-watcher six years ago. Instead, I married him. I thought his fixation would go away after the wedding, but it got worse. I had to get on the scale every day so he could check my weight. He would buy clothes for me just to make sure I stayed the same size. He belittled me constantly and daily asked if I went to the gym. It was abusive.
By the way, I was, and still am, a size 6. "Not Thin Enough" should run and never look back.
Southern Indiana
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