Seeing is the Hardest Part

So I'm doing this dating thing, which is, aside from parenthood, probably the most question-generating activity I've ever undertaken.

Oh wait, forgot about Program.

Ok so it's the number three most question-generating activity I've ever undertaken.

I think the worst part of it is believing in yourself.

I have the worst time believing that anyone who would want to date me exclusively is doing so because they just think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. What I usually believe instead is that they are settling because they have low self-esteem or a fanatical obsession with fat women.

This is the part where I'm supposed to say that I know they're not the problem - the problem is me. The problem is my low self esteem. The problem is my core belief that I'm not worthy because I'm fat. And my core belief that once people find out about my kid's personality quirks, they will not want to get involved in that either.

The hardest part is seeing. The hardest part is seeing yourself as you truly are - damaged, but healing. But not healing fast enough for your own tastes. The hardest part is seeing that healing is going to take so much longer than you want to give it. Healing, don't you know that I want to get married and do that whole thing while I'm still young enough to have a baby? Can't you flippin speed it up? You know…pedal to the metal and all that jazz?

It's also hard to see that someone that you really like probably doesn't like you that much, but because of their own stuff. Because they just recently stopped self-injuring. Last night my sponsor told, while talking about totally unrelated stuff, namely child-rearing, that the why almost never matters. What matters is two questions -- What do I need to do and How can I do it? Hmmm…how does that apply in dating?

It's hard to see and keep in mind that you cannot control others' reactions toward you, you can't do anything that will mold their thinking or get them to like you more. They either do or they do not. And that's the whole of it.

I think dating is probably even more Machiavellian than politics.