Do I Even Believe in Relationships Working Out Anymore?

Something odd happened on Saturday night. Mr. Exclusivity gave me a bracelet…that didn't fit…because my wrist is so frickin fat. God I was so embarrassed. But more than that, I was puzzled as to what to do when someone gives you actual jewelry. I have very little experience with that. Do you just say thank you? That's what I did. I didn't want to appear avaricious or like I expect this sort of thing. Which brings me to another point…I feel guilty because every time we go out, he pays. Certainly, that's his choice. He's in a better position financially than I am, but so what? Shouldn't I be doing something here? Hmmm…I could make him a blanket…I guess I will just keep looking for opportunities to do something for him in return. I suppose he does what he wants and expects nothing material in return, but I don't want someone thinking that I am one of those people who expects men to spend gobs of money on her while she does nothing to reciprocate or show gratitude.

He's nice and all that, but he doesn't really talk much. I, of course, have a permanent case of verbal spew. That was the good thing about ex…he had verbal spew too, only I didn't always like what he spewed and it infuriated me much of the time.

I can hear my sponsor right now. She's saying…'You are asking 'Why' questions again instead of what and how…'. Dangit.

One thing I keep noticing…I don't think of this guy as the One. I think of him as the next Ex. Do I even believe in relationships working out anymore? Can I even see myself getting married and that closely tied to someone? Whenever I think about that, I think about it ending. Yet I know that if I get married again, I don't want to divorce. I want it to be forever and work out. But then I keep thinking back to how it'll end someday and how the lawyers will work out the property issues and custody, and what proactive actions I can take during the marriage to ensure I haven't made the same mistakes I made the first time, which complicated my divorce a tad.

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I went to my audition yesterday…I haven't auditioned for anything in years. Since high school senior year…to get into Bel Canto and Acappella choir. I was so nervous that I didn't even think I'd be able to open my mouth and sing. I couldn't figure out what to do with my hands or where to put them. A performer I was not. I'm sure I looked so completely unprofessional…yet that is why I'd like to go to music school, isn't it? Not that I'm not interested in performing…I am. But I just don't have much experience doing it. It was almost like Program…I failed to connect the emotional, physical, spiritual and musical. I probably got into the program but I don't know for sure. I think it went well…I had a hard time finding my entrance a couple of times because I was so nervous and hadn't worked with an accompanist. So that was very different for me. We'll see. I should get the Letter tomorrow.