Floating on a Cloud & RAD

Someone asked me how I'm doing today and I gave them the oddest answer they have ever heard (perhaps).

"Well, I'm floating on a cloud!"

"Really?"

"Yep, cause I just found out that I got into Music School!"

Yes, indeedy. I was accepted into the K-12 Vocal Music Education program at my local university. Now, it's one thing to be accepted but a complete other thing to actually get through it, so we'll see how that works out.

But I am racking my brain right now trying to figure out how I am going to do school. And, yes, I would like to go full time, quite frankly. I will probably go part time at first and then full time later. I just love it that my life is moving forward. I'm not concentrated on the outcome. I am just going to do the actions and let God handle the outcome. Well, at least I'm going to do my best to let him handle it!

LOL. Wow, I couldn't be happier. Life sure is good right now. Yes, I'm broke, as usual lol, but other than that, things are good. :)

D was mouthy this morning - well, that's par for the course. Since joining a support group for parents of children with attachment disorders, I know quite well how lucky I am that D does not have a full case of Reactive Attachment Disorder. Parents have written things like their child is plotting against them, making up stories of abuse, putting their other children at risk, ruining happy occasions because the RAD can't handle it, you name it. D doesn't do these things, though she is pretty irritating at times. Before she went to Behaven, though, she was really out of control. After Behaven, I no longer had to worry as much. Now she can actually pretty well be trusted to do ok outside and stuff. And not try to stab me while I sleep. Well, that's an exaggeration.

But you know Mr. Cho, who shot 32 people dead at Virginia Tech? I bet he was RAD. Especially considering the messages he left. RAD kids often have no conscience. Thank God D is only mildly RAD. :)

Do I Even Believe in Relationships Working Out Anymore?

Something odd happened on Saturday night. Mr. Exclusivity gave me a bracelet…that didn't fit…because my wrist is so frickin fat. God I was so embarrassed. But more than that, I was puzzled as to what to do when someone gives you actual jewelry. I have very little experience with that. Do you just say thank you? That's what I did. I didn't want to appear avaricious or like I expect this sort of thing. Which brings me to another point…I feel guilty because every time we go out, he pays. Certainly, that's his choice. He's in a better position financially than I am, but so what? Shouldn't I be doing something here? Hmmm…I could make him a blanket…I guess I will just keep looking for opportunities to do something for him in return. I suppose he does what he wants and expects nothing material in return, but I don't want someone thinking that I am one of those people who expects men to spend gobs of money on her while she does nothing to reciprocate or show gratitude.

He's nice and all that, but he doesn't really talk much. I, of course, have a permanent case of verbal spew. That was the good thing about ex…he had verbal spew too, only I didn't always like what he spewed and it infuriated me much of the time.

I can hear my sponsor right now. She's saying…'You are asking 'Why' questions again instead of what and how…'. Dangit.

One thing I keep noticing…I don't think of this guy as the One. I think of him as the next Ex. Do I even believe in relationships working out anymore? Can I even see myself getting married and that closely tied to someone? Whenever I think about that, I think about it ending. Yet I know that if I get married again, I don't want to divorce. I want it to be forever and work out. But then I keep thinking back to how it'll end someday and how the lawyers will work out the property issues and custody, and what proactive actions I can take during the marriage to ensure I haven't made the same mistakes I made the first time, which complicated my divorce a tad.

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I went to my audition yesterday…I haven't auditioned for anything in years. Since high school senior year…to get into Bel Canto and Acappella choir. I was so nervous that I didn't even think I'd be able to open my mouth and sing. I couldn't figure out what to do with my hands or where to put them. A performer I was not. I'm sure I looked so completely unprofessional…yet that is why I'd like to go to music school, isn't it? Not that I'm not interested in performing…I am. But I just don't have much experience doing it. It was almost like Program…I failed to connect the emotional, physical, spiritual and musical. I probably got into the program but I don't know for sure. I think it went well…I had a hard time finding my entrance a couple of times because I was so nervous and hadn't worked with an accompanist. So that was very different for me. We'll see. I should get the Letter tomorrow.

One More...

…comment from my sup on making sure the paper is in the machine and I'm going to explode. 'It's empty every time I go over there!'

'It couldn't possibly be empty every time, or you couldn't make any copies."

Here's my question - how is it that the paper issue became such an emergency all of a sudden? So much so that someone has to have it assigned to them to check the f*ckin thing?

I've worked here for four years and it's only been in the last two that it's suddenly a priority. Ugh this alone makes me want to quit this flippin job! I have the worst time being nice about it too.

God I wish she would stop micromanaging. The only reason this is even an issue is because SHE decided to make it one. Just let the people who print stuff handle it themselves, like you did for the first two years I was here. And, imagine that, it managed to be ok!

What I Don't Like About the Court's Partial Birth Abortion Opinion

Now I haven't read the whole thing, I admit.

But I did read the NY Times article about it. Yeah I know the NY Times is known to have a liberal lean, but the author of the article I read didn't put these words in Justice Kennedy's mouth:

“Respect for human life finds an ultimate expression in the bond of love the mother has for her child,” he said, adding: “It is self-evident that a mother who comes to regret her choice to abort must struggle with grief more anguished and sorrow more profound when she learns, only after the event, what she once did not know: that she allowed a doctor to pierce the skull and vacuum the fast-developing brain of her unborn child, a child assuming the human form.”

How eloquent. What lovely words. How true.

And, yet, how paternalistic. So what are you saying? We need to protect women from themselves? Yes, those poor, overly emotional, gentle, fragile creatures surely would f*ck themselves up if left to their own devices.

Yes, I know that this is a decision that some will come to regret. Knowing the mechanics of what they chose will hurt. The other method used for late term abortions is dismembering the baby while in utero. If a woman comes to regret her decision, she's going to find the mechanics of it disturbing no matter what.

Justice Kennedy, why'd you have to f*ckin ruin this? Couldn't you have left it as 'not medically necessary' and kept emotions and flowery crap out of it? You could have decided this just on the facts, yet you had to throw this stupid sentiment in…this sentiment that surely is going to be jumped on by pundits across the country and used liberally by those who oppose this legislation to point at you and it and call both sexist. Would they be out of line? You totally just put your own personality and beliefs before the law, at least that's what's going to be said. You could have just said that, according to Roe's own construction based on trimesters and the point of viability of a baby and the flat out cruelty of it, the state has a legitimate interest in intervening and banning this method of abortion.

Now you just f*ckin ruined it. Thanks a lot. I'm glad that children aren't going to be stabbed in the base of the neck and have their brains sucked out anymore just when they're on the cusp of legal personhood, but you would have done a lot more to protect them after you're dead and gone and can no longer wield flowery, emotional language if you had just stopped and stood on the facts.

The Partial Birth Abortion Ruling

I just have to comment on this.

For a long time, I was staunchly pro-life. I'm still pro-life, but I'm not staunch about it.

How do I explain the way that my feelings and beliefs about this have evolved and what they are today?

I guess first I should explain why I am pro-life. To put it simply, I believe that children in utero are people. They are alive, not dead, not inanimate. I believe they have a right to live. If you look at it in terms of just facts, science supports this. Babies in utero have DNA that is different and separate from their mothers. They develop heartbeats and brainwaves pretty quickly. Furthermore, they are constantly growing and they start moving fairly quickly too. So with these facts in hand, we know they are alive. That they have separate DNA and sometimes even different genders from their mothers supports that they are separate individuals. So you have living human beings who are separate from their mothers, yet are dependent on staying inside their mothers for a certain length of time before medical science can keep them alive without the shelter of the womb.

The 'my body, my choice' argument hasn't really held much water for me. Yeah, I think a woman should have sovereignity over HER body. But over someone else's? No. And since I believe that an unborn child is a separate person with his/her own body, then I don't believe a woman should have the right to decide life or death for that person.

So that's why I'm pro-life.

But it's not that simple, is it? It's not just about science or logic. It's also about philosophy and belief systems and whatever situation that each pregnant woman finds herself in.

Other people do not believe that an unborn child is alive or is even a human being, science notwithstanding. And if you try to say that an unborn child is all those things, they get pretty angry. Others ignore altogether the question of whether an unborn child is alive and separate or a tissue blob altogether. Are they right? Am I? Who is? And who decides that?

In America, when we have serious questions and clashing opinions on things like this, we sometimes ask the courts to decide. And the Supreme Court decided that government should pretty much stay out of it and let each woman decide for herself.

That seemed like a good idea. Lord knows that I don't want to decide for every woman in America, with all the agonizing circumstances and all the situations involved in those choices. I feel terrible for the one million children being killed every year, and abortion is a gruesome business, but who am I to tell everyone on the planet what their philosophies and beliefs should be?

So that's why I'm not staunch about it anymore. We need to offer pregnant women more support in the form of services and education. They need a better choice. Why should women have to choose between carrying their children to term or going to school? Why should they have to choose between carrying their child to term or having a career?

So abortion was legalized and now women could decide for themselves. An industry springs up across America to service this new era of choices. America is as deeply divided today as it was when Roe v Wade was handed down.

Enter the pro-life movement. They want to ban all abortions again. It becomes clear fairly quickly that this is not going to happen. The Supreme Court is not down with that and society gradually becomes more and more anesthetized to what abortion is. Abortion becomes acceptable. With this acceptance comes at least one welcome thing - women are less stigmatized by abortion.

So the pro-life movement becomes aware that the full frontal assault is not working and they decide they're going to have to go about it a different way and take the long way around. They decide to chip away at abortion's foundation.

Then they discover one particularly gruesome method of late-term abortion - partial birth abortion. A baby is delivered feet first until just the head is inside the mother. Then the abortionist stabs the child in the base of the skull with a pair of scissors, opens a hole wide enough to allow a suction tool in, and suctions the baby's brain out. Result - aborted baby.

So why deliver the baby feet first until just the head remains inside the mother?

Because if the child was delivered fully, it would be considered a person with full rights under the law. But as long as part of the child remains inside the mother, the child is not considered a person. You can still stab it and suction the brains without legally being considered a murderer. It's in 'my body, my choice'.

That alone is food for thought. So a baby is not a person and has no rights when he or she is just five seconds from full birth? But then when those five seconds elapse, something magical happens, and voila, we have a person? That, to me, is the height of magical thinking and makes no sense. Even the whole bit about it being best for the health of the mother makes no sense. How is it better? The mother's cervix still has to be dilated, and everyone knows that it's the shoulders, not the head, of the baby that is the widest part. See why this particular issue actually made it this far? If you really think about it beyond gut reactions, you can see why the Supreme Court would even consider hearing this case.

They couldn't have picked a better issue to use. Since this method is used for late term abortions, that means the baby is very developed, perhaps even viable.  So when the illustrations explaining this method came out, they looked gruesome. Even the most vanilla illustration was gruesome. Of course it was -- abortion is not pretty, no matter how you feel about it. And aborting a late term baby that in no way can be called a blob of tissue? You can't say it's just 'not pretty'. It's ugly. The gruesomeness was factual. Prolife groups championing this legislation had to know that.

People who were prochoice and argued for this method's existence and usage could only come off looking bad. The American public was for this legislation.

So the pro life movement had finally gotten smart. This ruling is the result of that. Next post: what I *don't* like about the Court's opinion...

4:30...60 Minutes and Counting...

It's 4:30. I'm bored. I caught up with all outstanding work yesterday in the space of about four hours.

Did I mention that I am hoping to start music school this fall for K-12 Music Education (Vocal)? Yes indeedy. That is the hope. It's pretty overwhelming when I think about actually doing it, but I am just trying to stay in today and focus on what's in front of me.

So what's in front of me today is getting ready for my audition, which is on the 23rd. I have two pieces for that and they're both ok. Anyway, this is the Dream. Going to school for this will do three things for me - 1. I'll finally have a degree (the main dream), 2. I will have a job helping people and 3. I will be able to sing in my job. :o) So it is the ultimate Dream.

I finished my FAFSA and so now there is nothing more to do than wait for the audition. And get my TB test.

I have no idea how I'm doing to do this. I just am. It feels both good and God-directed to be moving forward in life instead of just sitting still like I usually am.

Today's Revelation

Endlessly professing my distrust of men because of past betrayals by past men is a form of victimhood (& whining), however true it may be.

It's time to stop spouting that nonsense, stop figuring out the why, get over it, and move forward.

I'm going to trust people until they give me a reason not to, within reason. :)

A Gift for Me!!!

So A, aka Mr. Exclusivity, called me last night. This was not unexpected, he usually calls every other day.

I was, however, surprised when he told me that he had gone to Walmart that evening and was thinking of me while he was there. And he had bought me a couple of things.

"What in the world could you have bought me at Walmart?"

"Oh just a couple of things. Can I come over and drop them off?" Huh, that's weird.

So I said yes and he said he'd be over in 15 or 20 minutes. Yippy skippy. I did some stuff around the house and thought about what he could possibly have bought for me at Walmart. I prayed it wouldn't be embarrassing. I hoped it wouldn't be a nose hair trimmer, or perhaps a shaving implement, hair remover, shampoo, deodorant, toothbrush, mouthwash, or feminine hygiene products.

Then I tried to be more positive. Maybe he bought some flowers. Or some cute little card. Perhaps some perfume that he thought was especially sniffy? Then I told myself to stop thinking about it altogether. I'm not particularly cool with someone buying me stuff left and right anyway.

Like clockwork, he was there in 15 or 20 minutes. So up he came. He handed me a Walmart bag.

I look in the bag.

And just WHAT do you suppose I saw in this bag? What lovely, thoughtful little gift had he chosen to show me how much he cares? Hmmm?

Well, nestled at the bottom of this lovely Walmart bag were two items. I saw a bottle a jewel-toned green stuff and a lovely, creamy white looking bottle.

What do you suppose those two bottles were?

Listerine. And Summer's Eve.

I shower and I brush my teeth flippin obsessively.

What a jewel of a man. Yes, that's sarcasm.

So I said, "Uh, is there something you need to tell me?" And he's like, "No, I just used to buy this stuff all the time for my ex-wife. I couldn't find a deordorant that I thought you'd like though."

Is this dude just really naïve or what? I'm going to vote for naïve instead of 'or what'. I asked him, 'Is my breath bad or something?' And he said, 'No, but my throat is sensitive and I get sick really easily.'

Then he said that I could buy him some deodorant if I wanted.

Is this the Pakistani equivalent of flowers and jewelry? What the f*ck?

Indifference

Hmmm…

The Marketing Manager, whom I adore, wants to give me additional cool computer work to do. Yay.

My supervisor wants to train me on the Field of Dreams…

…I think they might believe I'm not doing anything because I don't have anything to do.

No, I'm not doing anything because I am listless right now and don't feel like doing anything.

I know…actions have to change first and then feelings will change.

Seeing is the Hardest Part

So I'm doing this dating thing, which is, aside from parenthood, probably the most question-generating activity I've ever undertaken.

Oh wait, forgot about Program.

Ok so it's the number three most question-generating activity I've ever undertaken.

I think the worst part of it is believing in yourself.

I have the worst time believing that anyone who would want to date me exclusively is doing so because they just think I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. What I usually believe instead is that they are settling because they have low self-esteem or a fanatical obsession with fat women.

This is the part where I'm supposed to say that I know they're not the problem - the problem is me. The problem is my low self esteem. The problem is my core belief that I'm not worthy because I'm fat. And my core belief that once people find out about my kid's personality quirks, they will not want to get involved in that either.

The hardest part is seeing. The hardest part is seeing yourself as you truly are - damaged, but healing. But not healing fast enough for your own tastes. The hardest part is seeing that healing is going to take so much longer than you want to give it. Healing, don't you know that I want to get married and do that whole thing while I'm still young enough to have a baby? Can't you flippin speed it up? You know…pedal to the metal and all that jazz?

It's also hard to see that someone that you really like probably doesn't like you that much, but because of their own stuff. Because they just recently stopped self-injuring. Last night my sponsor told, while talking about totally unrelated stuff, namely child-rearing, that the why almost never matters. What matters is two questions -- What do I need to do and How can I do it? Hmmm…how does that apply in dating?

It's hard to see and keep in mind that you cannot control others' reactions toward you, you can't do anything that will mold their thinking or get them to like you more. They either do or they do not. And that's the whole of it.

I think dating is probably even more Machiavellian than politics.

Dating

So I'm in a situation that I thought I would not be in at this weight.

When I broke up with my ex boyfriend last March, I hated men and had no problems with it when my sponsor said she wanted me to wait a year to date.

Around October, at the fall retreat, I went to the sexuality meeting and was crying over whether I'd ever find someone who could accept my body as is and love me in it like my ex had.

Now, in April, a year after breaking up with my ex, I am juggling about three different guys.

1 - The Nepali Oven - N is a really nice guy…who cancels a lot, but for legitimate reasons. I kinda wrote him off, but figured I'd give him one more chance and see if he can actually show up for Prom this Saturday. We had a blast together on our first date. No apparent psychological problems. Really just a darling…if only I lived in Kansas City.

2 - TherapyBoy - this one said I was passive aggressive but then kinda changed his mind after I proceeded to ignore him. We'll see what happens. He's all, 'I don't know what's going to happen with us….' No sh*t, Sherlock. That's why dating is an investigation, not an instant relationship! No one knows at the outset for sure that a date is going to turn into a relationship. That's why you date them. He also recently revealed that he was self-injuring as recently as six months ago. Red flag. Just one reason why dating is an investigation…and why I know my picker's broken. He's the one of the three that's the most attractive to me in terms of personality.

3 - Mr Exclusivity - A is 6'3, Pakistani, with an athletic body and gorgeous smile and just enough accent to sound hot to a vanilla Midwestern girl. He's just plain gorgeous, to me. So I can't figure out why he likes me so much. He also appears to be normal. Except for this - we went out to lunch on a Friday, then we had dinner and a movie on Sunday (first kiss), then he came over on Wednesday night (more kissing, nothing else). On that Wednesday night, he said he wanted me to be his full-time girlfriend. Which I thought was weird at the time, but couldn't put my finger on why. I didn't say yay or nay. Hmmm, I guess I better make a decision.

Now I know why. I met this dude 3/30 in the flesh. That was the Friday we had lunch. I didn't expect him to call me back, even though we had a good time and interesting conversation. So I didn't pay much attention to anything, didn't really think about it, and he keeps calling and asking me out and whatnot. Which is fine, but unexpected. But it wasn't until last night that I actually looked at the calendar and realized that I've known this dude for about 11 days. And that he asked me to be exclusive at about day four. Which is crazy. I just didn't realize how fast this was going until last night. Oh dear.

4 - The Contractor - K is about 5'6 and ok looking, but his biggest asset is that he's a good kisser and a romantic. You know I love that. What girl wouldn't? We went out once and it was lovely but no repeat dates since then. There probably will be one in the future, but I don't know when.

So that is my dating life. It almost seems like too much. I guess my main energies are focused on MrExclusivity. He calls the most often and whatnot, and seems genuinely interested in my life. Plus he's normal. So why is my picker so darn attracted to TherapyBoy, who is obviously a mistake waiting to happen? Why am I so dang comfy with him and less sparky with A? I wish N lived closer than Kansas City. I just can't see myself actually seriously dating someone who lives two and a half hours away. How would that ever work out? I can't move D.

I guess I don't need answers to that. I just need to keep moving forward, putting one step in front of the other, and letting God handle outcomes. I never before have trusted in dating as a process…I have always skipped right over it to insta-relationship. But I'm glad my sponsor encouraged me to just date for a while. It's kinda fun if you have the right perspective.