Horsey Face and the Teeth That Go Every Which Way But Vertical

Let me spin you a tale of very ugly clothes, uglier teeth, and an even uglier faux pas.

 

As you know, I’m considering converting to Islam but I’m still learning. I’m probably 80% ready to convert. Being a true addict I usually resist authority and doing it ‘their’ way of course, so I resist saying anything in Arabic, I resist a specific dress code just for women, and a bunch of other stuff. But I’m learning anyway. More information never hurt anyone. Ok that isn’t entirely true. Onward!

 

This past Saturday a very learned professor from Pakistan was going to be at the Islamic Center here in Omaha. Mack really wanted to go and I thought that would be cool too. Hence began the quest for a hijab (headscarf).

 

You don’t wear a bikini to a Catholic church. You don’t go to a place of worship and then disrespect those who have set the rules. If you want to be welcome somewhere, you follow the rules and you act respectfully. Perhaps a hijab is not my cup of tea, but I wasn’t there to make any statement. I went there to fit in and learn.

 

So our search for a hijab (not something easy to find here in Omaha) leads us to Sister A, who is married to Brother Why Yell, who got Islam in prison. Sister A wears a full hijab (not the ninja one) as well as an abaya. While at Sister A’s place trying to get an underscarf, she mentions that she sells Islamic clothing and would I like an abaya for our wedding in October. No thanks, I would like to look attractive, not walk around in a bedsheet. “Oh, I don’t wear hijab all the time. I just want to respect the mosque and the people who will be there.”

 

Apparently, Mack thought that was not enough explanation.

 

“Yes, we’re not extremist or fanatic muslims!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” he says, to the hijab’d, abaya’d muslim sister sitting before us.

 

Oh Holy Lord, I could not believe he said that. I said, “ALEX! You mean ORTHODOX, right???????”

 

He finally realizes his booboo. “Uh, yes, that’s what I meant.”

 

Sister A goes, “That’s good cause I was starting to get a little offended there.”

 

So off we go to the mosque after I am all hijab’d up. I looked pretty fetching even with the hijab. During the lecture, we hear Brother Why Yell profess the date he became a muslim and go OFF about not being down with the enemies, the people who don’t follow the legalistic side of Islam. He of course is then lectured with why is he not following the example of the Prophet, who never preached such a thing.

 

Later on, Mack and I are talking, and Mack has a few choice things to say about Brother Why Yell.

 

‘I don’t understand why he’s going on and on about how long he’s been a Muslim. Who cares? Islam gave him everything in his life – not returning to prison, he has a business, a beautiful wife…”

 

To which I reply, rather cattily, because you know that’s how I roll, “A beautiful wife? Her teeth go every which way but vertical!!!! God he sure must suffer during chupa!!” At which time I move my head back and forth, mouth open, positioning my hands and fingers pointed in a such a way as to represent fangs. LOL. Oh goodness, we were laughing SO HARD. I had a hard time going to sleep last night because I kept chuckling.

 

“Oh. I guess she is a horsey face,” he says in his charming accent.