when i get fired from here, i totally am going to send out an email that says the following:

 

Dear friends and family,

 

Please no longer send email to my work address. Please send all personal email to blahblah@blah.com. It took five years, but I have successfully liberated myself from the clutches of ABC Nuts and Bolts Corporation.

 

You may wonder what my secret to success was? Well I am happy to share it with you!

 

Show up late every day for work, at least 10 minutes, for about three years. Dress like a bum, even though the dress code is business professional.

Next, screw up left and right.

Waste company time for about half your day.

When you receive your final warning, change your behavior for a while. About a year should do it.

Almost forgot – call in randomly and use excuses like this one that was particularly amusing to my supervisor the day after the time change on Daylight Savings Time. ‘Oops, I’m sorry, forgot to spring forward!!! See you at ten!” Like 10am. Your start time was 0830.

 

Make sure you are seated next to a passive aggressive extreme rule follower. Pick the right one – the one you want should be a gossip hound and have the ear of the EVP of your department or the CEO of the company. It should be a receptionist who’s been at your company for about, oh, 15 years and makes small talk when the CEO passes by. Sound difficult? It’s not. You just have to work in a Sales Department. CEOs are always stopping by the Sales Department. This part is very important.  Your Keeper will help you in your endeavor.

 

When you start showing up late again, make sure you strut in like a peacock and say hi very loudly and cheerfully in the morning. Like you're so excited to see your keeper. Act like you love them. Give them gifts for Christmas and hearty thanks for _all_they_do.  MMuh!!!! In fact, find out where they shop and give them presents from there. Hey, anything worth doing is worth doing right!

 

At the same time, make sure your Keeper sees you illegally parking a few times. Soon you will hear a lot about a ‘little birdie’ that tells your supervisor many interesting things, which your Supervisor is only too happy to relay to you, the lucky recipient!

 

That’s about it. If that doesn’t do it, nothing will. Happy trails!