A Discussion that Wasn't

So I've been seeing A (Mr. Exclusivity…we shall now give him a real name…A) for about a month now. I can't remember what I've posted about him, but he's really nice, it seems, and he's cute, and a bunch of other good stuff too. Anyway, we met on this dating site (of course…you know I'm no bar fly lol…or charity work fly…or program fly…) (potential other blog topic 'how dating websites are really the technological equivalent of a barroom'…ok, moving on…).

We had lunch on a Friday, then dinner and a movie that Sunday perhaps, then not that week but I think the next one, he came over on a Wednesday night and he said that he wanted to see me exclusively. Well, ok. I liked him, he liked me, seemed like an ok thing to do, though I really had a hard time taking it seriously. It seemed way too good to be true. Too easy, for one thing. I actually didn't expect him to call me back after we met for lunch on March 30th. So when he proposed this, I explained what I expect in an 'exclusive' dating scenario. Basically, I expect him to not date others. He said that was ok, but wanted to make sure it was ok for him to still go out with friends and whatnot, including women, but not with an emotional attachment to them. I said, yeah, of course, I'm not a psycho hosebeast. He said something about American women being a little crazy and possessive. Well, honey, if American men weren't such sh*ts, we wouldn't be. Just kidding. Sort of. Not really…my experiences have sucked. But they are only mine…

Anyway, I was going to delete my profile from that site the other night and of course, as distrustful as I am, I elected to check on his and see what's up. Well, it's been f*ckin TWEAKED in the past 36 hours. Yes, TWEAKED, to make it more attractive and expansive. My reaction to this, of course, was WTF? And I resolved to speak to him about it next time we spoke.

So he came over and we watched Phantom of the Opera last night. But before we watched it, I had a couple of little tasks to finish around the house and I of course noticed that he was dressed really nice, which I commented on.

'You look nice. What's the occasion?' No, I didn't sound nasty. I was sincere.

'Oh, I had another date tonight.' Then he added, 'Here comes the drama.'

Ha. Ha. Ha. So f*ckin funny.

'No, no drama. I'm 30, not 18. If you don't want to be exclusive anymore, you can just tell me. It's ok. I just need to know is all. Just be honest.'

I can't remember what he said next, but it was sarcastic.

'Have you ever seen Hamlet?'

'The play. Yes, I've seen it.'

'Do you remember the part where Hamlet puts on the little play for his mom and stepdad, and he asks his mother what she thought of it, and his mother says, 'Well, the lady doth protest too much?' '

Oh he caught on to that one right away. 'You are really stretching it too far now.' IE, I am starting to get insulted so please stop. I didn't apologize, but I did stop talking about it, we watched the movie, and it was pleasant.

I don't know what to do. God is telling me, 'don't fixate on it. What's going on in the rest of your life? Work on that and let this be what it's going to be. Don't pour too much of yourself into it. But do clarify what this actually means to you and what his expectations of you are and whether you're willing to meet those. Try not to get too attached.'

And I'm also starting to get that this might be what I thought it was going to be - the new 'relationship' that might blossom into Something Wonderful. Sure, it is something nice in my life, but it's not necessarily going to be that Something Wonderful. Perhaps I really read too much into it and jumped the gun. Perhaps my idea of what the start of a relationship is is completely wrong and I put too much emphasis on it in the beginning and have too many expectations. This would not be a surprise.

My pattern when it comes to relationships is to basically put my life aside when in one and put all energies into the relationship. That's not healthy. I usually forsake my friends and ignore their existence. So I am going to change this. And not think so much about the d*mn relationship or lack thereof. Who cares? I don't NEED him. Crikey, it's only been a flippin month. I guess I do need to ask him some questions and talk with him some more about it, but I don't need to obsess.