I Feel Like Writing Right Now, at 1:31am.

...when I should be sleeping.

They should have a website for that...www.ishouldbesleeping.com.

I was just thinking about my food habits tonight and thinking of this phrase,

"Eventually you just have to put the fork fucking down!"

Hmmm. I think you'd have to do a switcheroo between fork and fucking, otherwise, folks may think that you're trying to quit fucking forks. They may assume that it's an awkward metaphor for bad boyfriends or girlfriends? As in every time you try to fuck this partner, you get stuck in the tenders by their tines? lol.

Next up, I just googled probably the funniest search string I've ever googled in my whole life.

"washer smells like poop"

And it does. I shit you not. hahahahahaha. But, never fear, 'they' apparently make stuff to help with this problem. And you can get this stuff at smellywasher.com. I'd better get myself over to that website, pronto.

Sometimes I am really grateful for the simplification of holidays, via conversion to Islam. There are only two. Rather than the gazillion of them that I used to deal with. However, for me, who has a child who is definitely not willing to give up Easter candy, Christmas presents, Halloween candy, her Valentine's Day party, or any other holiday that has fringe benefits, I still have about six to deal with.

One thing that is not simple in Islam? Going potty. No sirree. There are whole books written just about how Muslims should go potty.

And dressing. Another subject about which there are entire books written.

I ignore all the rules on both topics. Except that water thing...that is handy. Muslim dudes have the cleanest penises around, I'm telling you. All these details (except that one) are just superfluous, aren't they, really? I'd prefer to get the big stuff right...you know, like doing actual acts of service and kindness, raising my kid right, treating my parents right, trying like hell to treat my sister kindly, not running around naked, that kind of thing. I'm not real concerned with covering my hair or much else beyond what I define as common sense. And trying to stay away from addictive substances and behaviors. God had a really good point about eating 1/3 (or is it leaving 1/3 on your plate? I dunno.) and staying the hell away from alcohol.

I should totally clean up this blog and make it public again. That would be fun. :)

A Snowy Day

Well it is snowy outside, and that is pretty. I actually like it. It's only a bitch when you can't drive around and do stuff. Other than that, it's alright.

I read an interesting article about if global warming is real, why is the east coast buried under snow? Duh. It's clearly because global warming is real and you guys are the most corrupt part of the country. Sorry. Most of the most corrupt politicians live there, so clearly you're going to get it. Just deal and stop whining.

You know what I realized lately? That a lot of the articles written about how terribly hectic life is, about how little free time we have, getting ahead at work, organizing our homes, all the obligations that moms put upon themselves in meeting the expectations of others, are written by folks that are out on the coasts. IE they're out of touch with anyone who doesn't live on the East or West coast. This would explain why I can't relate to so many of these articles.

Like the ones about moms who freak over their kids' birthday parties. I don't know what they're talking about. Sure, it's a big pain but for God's sake, it's not that bad. And freaking over what to wear...not a real big deal here in Omaha.

I'm kind of glad I live in the midwest, and Omaha in particular. Life is slower. Thank God.

Me and my little girl are making Valentines tonight for her party on Friday. My husband astutely pointed out that it's probably not a good idea to encourage children to have 'valentines' and to 'love' at that age. So our valentines will be about friendship and stuff like that...not love.

Still in graphic design school. I love it. Right now I'm in Art History, Drawing II, and InDesign. I like all three of my classes. But the most challenging and intense one is undoubtedly Drawing II. Today I have to do drapery studies, thumbnail sketches for my collage, and photorealism. Fun times. And a lot of work. Which will start at 2pm. And continue for 4 or more hours. :)

New Things to Opine and Whine About

First off, Taylor Swift is adorable, amazingly talented, and she appears to be working on it, but she can't sing. I hope she gets a vocal coach before little girls start imitating her style of not singing on pitch and taking breaths in the wrong places.

Next, my teacher from Intro to Computer Methods, aka Photoshop and Illustrator, is so irritating. She took an identity package fricking exercise, not even a project, and turned it into this huge bullshit project. We're supposed to pick out Pantone colors and paper samples and shit and glue that to our newly-required, tracing-paper-covered, mat boards. I haven't seen any clear instructions outlining the final directions. It's ridiculous. As usual, she is a lousy teacher though I am sure she's a great designer. Too nitpicky about her students' work for all the wrong reasons and just overall trying to be a good teacher but not really succeeding at it. This teaching gig just fills in the blanks in her income for now while she's building up her design studio clientele.

Loving Drawing. That class is teaching me amazing stuff about drawing. I'm actually good at it!

Typography - teacher was a little pissy today. I guess he didn't get any man-love over the weekend. Seriously, I'm not being a homophobe, he is gay and out, so it's all good. My layouts are great but he goes on about how I have experience in this...uh...no I do not, thank you. I was a secretary for over ten years, not a designer. I just read some books and messed around about eight or nine years ago. I am sponge...I learn a lot from what I experience and I remember a lot of it too. So he's all, "You're doing things a designer would do but you're missing the typography basics." Oh go suck it.

Next- a little snit with my sister. Par for the course.

Next - husband is still in Denver. I'm a little pissed at him for something so hope he's enjoying his eight inches of snow. :) He's supposed to be here on Friday. *insert snort here* . I'm bona-fide irritated with him.

Sick of people sending me anti-Muslim shit and and anti-Obama shit. I'm a Muslim (Allah forgive the bad words...) and Obama is my demi-god. Just kidding 'bout that last. But I am Muslim and the peeps who send me this crap know it. I finally got so fed up with one would-be Crusader and told him, "This is fake (after I checked it on Snopes.com). I can't believe that someone with the level of intelligence you seem to exhibit would continue to forward this junk on." He responded with hurt feelings, saying that he couldn't believe I could be so rude. But, friend, what is ruder? Responding firmly after the umpteenth prod or sending the umpteenth prod after being told to quit it? After someone sets a boundary, it is damned rude not to respect it. Crikey.

So I haven't job-hunted since six months ago or something, right? Right around the time that the last quarter started. OK...today I got an email from a would-be employer who's interested in me and wants me to come in for an interview. Should I go? I don't know.

Inappropriate Teachers and Whipper Snappers

So I was in class today and my female, dainty little teacher is critiquing a student, gently of course. Then she busts out with, "Look, I'm not trying to bust your balls, but..." I immediately mutter, "I cannot believe you just said that." LOL.

I mean, this is a woman who has not the faintest clue of how to wield authority decisively or firmly. There is no question that she is not trying to bust his or anyone else's balls. Cause she's a wuss.

Most of the people in this class are children fresh outta high school. This is the class where they teach you Illustrator and Photoshop, and some of these children will never get a job with just a two year degree. But not because of a lack of strength of the degree. Rather, it would be because they need more than two years just to grow up.

One of the guys in my class is so clueless it's like listening to a 12 year old. Some of the folks are just 18. Can you believe that? I guess I should have figured this out long ago. The 45 year old in drawing class was incredulous that I did not expect such things when I started drawing class, saying, "I usually expect to be the oldest at anything I do." Yeah....but I'm only 32, so I do not yet expect this.

Today was an abstinent day, by default. But the test is yet to be passed...the wee one is not in bed yet and that is my most challenging time of day. Well, I have some great books to read and a couple movies, plus homework. I suppose I should do the homework first. :)

Update

Wow, I have not written in this blog since something like six months ago.

In that six months, I have passed my first wedding anniversary with my hubby. We had a crazy-tough immigration interview. We have not heard the outcome of this yet.

We finally got to a place where we could order me a wedding ring. Hubby brought home from Denver a large, natural, pink sapphire, oval-cut. We are having it mounted in a wheat-motif mounting that a jeweller is custom-making for us.

My daughter is doing amazingly well. Her grades are up a full level, and she reads on a fourth grade level. She is a great speller too. I try to teach her artsy stuff when I have the chance. Her teacher says she is enjoyable and likeable, and seems to have many friends or acquaintances who like to play with her at school. I watch for people ridiculing her whenever I have the chance so as to be sure and nip it in the bud. If I can save her from that suffering and let her know I've got her back, I will.

She has not seen her bio-mom for a year or two now. It seems to do her good not to see her. She doesn't ask to see her either. Nor does she want to talk to her. Whenever I bring up the idea of talking to bio-mom on the phone, she declines, and then misbehaves for a couple of days.

I am in school full-time, studying graphic design at our community college. I love it and am exactly where I'm supposed to be. As long as hubby stays employed, I will be in school. It's a two year degree and I have about a year to go. I used to have trouble imagining how people could actually go to school and be put through their paces voluntarily. Now I am one of those odd adults who adores going to college and doesn't really want it to ever end. If I had my way, I'd snag me a bachelor's degree, not just an associate's, but my family needs me to go back to work someday soon.

Someone gave me a piano and it was the fulfillment of a long-held dream of becoming a musician. Of course, I am a vocal musician, but now I can play an instrument somewhat well, owing to the frequent practice I get with my piano that now stands in the living room. It's a spinet, and I love-et. :) Now I feel like I'm rich!

Add to that our gorgeous Goodwill couch covered with cabbage roses woven in a design that is just-so, and you get a nice looking interior. :) (Ah, the beauty of expensive furniture that finds its way to the thrift store eventually.)Homey, not entirely matched up by any means, but undeniably ours.

I got a lovely metal desk for me to work at, and we placed that in our room. It cost me $20. God bless Craigslist.

My car's health continues to improve with each visit to the mechanic's. Three more repairs, and that 97 Honda Accord coupe will be like a new car to me. :) The engine is good, the clutch and transmission are decent, even though the clutch is a little chattery. I cannot undo what damage the previous, neglectful owners may have done. I love Hondas. My dream car is now a Honda Fit. :)

Marriage is ok. I love my husband and he loves me and all that, but we are separated, for now, by his job. He is in Denver, and we are here, and he visits every other weekend. I would like to go there more often, but it is a long drive with a child, and the wee one is not fond of disorganized road trips that you take to go to a city where you do nothing more than live your ordinary life. The bloom is off of Denver now that a family member of ours lives there and doesn't really want to tour it anymore. I hesitate to have her stay at the sitter's more than one weekend a month. Even that is disruptive. She doesn't want to go with me to Denver, but I worry about her when I'm away. I always think, "What if she is just saying she doesn't want to go, but really does want to?" Even at age 32, I find it very hard to just believe what people tell me with their mouths.

Speaking of age, my birthday is next Sunday. I will be at the OA retreat. I have not been abstinent consistently for a while now, having gone through some serious life challenges and not having weathered them too well, but I continue to go to the meetings, do stepwork, and work with a sponsor. I am hopeful that, one day, I will be abstinent again, and even now, there are days when I am in fact abstinent and not desirous of overeating.

My family endures on. Dad recently had a heart attack but he is really much the same, just older. Mom is just older too. She is a much friendlier mother to me these days. I am always friendly to her. I worked through my resentments toward her, and that fostered a decent relationship between us two.

My sister is another story. She has lost about 100 pounds, by not taking her insulin. Although she has lost this weight, and her body is more well-shaped, I guess, her teeth rotted in the process and much of her hair fell out. It probably won't be the same when it comes back, if it comes back. In any case, she is starting to attract men again, yet she is just as incapable of raising a child as she ever was. God bless birth control. Her self-centeredness is a trait that competes with her height or skin color for its degree of obviousness.

My husband and I have decided that, if all is well once I get a degree, and can get a job, we will start trying for a baby at that time. This is a relief to me. Since the immigration interview, I have not been able to forget for a moment just how duplicitous people can be, as if my ex-boyfriend and sister have not taught me enough about that subject. They can be so sweet and so wonderful over such an extended period of time, but then turn out to be hiding monstrous deeds beneath their kind and adoring, but shallow, veneers. Future plans, although a tenuous and uncertain, and non-guaranteed way to depend on the future, forebode something much better than a future divorce in the wake of green card acquisition.

Friendships continue to develop for me, and that is one reason I am no longer on the computer as much as I once was. I have people to talk to, books to read, and art to create. And I love that life much more than this screen. :)

Mac Attack!

I am getting a Macbook!!!! YAY!!!! I'm so excited.

No more virus software!
No more firewalls! ( I think. That's one of the benefits right? )

It should arrive tomorrow or Friday. Whoo hoo!!

I was going to get a regular PC laptop, but I felt like it's time to switch to Mac. Vista is a memory hog and it's just ridiculous. Mac OS is just 100x simpler and more reliable. Thank God.

Plus it's frickin pretty!!!!

Update

Well it sure has been a while, hasn't it?

Let's see... I've been happily married now for six months. Yay! Got a part time job in late January. Started a new business around that time as well - www.thelittlehelper.com. I built two websites, did a postcard and a business card. Now I'm working on another website.

The Mackistani lost his job, so now we're both pretty much jobless. I'm still making money from my little business and my little part time job but we're really just coasting.

We may not have much money, but strangely, we are still happy. I think we're actually a bit happier now than when we were both employed full time.

Oh, also, my friend Dorie gave me a piano. She used to give me piano lessons before my daughter was born. It was also pre-program. Learning the piano now is a lot different than learning it when in the food fog. I could barely move my left hand. Now I'm moving right along. I'm almost done with book 1 of the adult lessons. Sweet!

I'm in college - just taking one class but I'm going to take a full load next quarter. Let's get this party started!

No more administrative assisting!

God I Love Marriage

Oh My God, I love being married. My husband is the bomb, totally the bomb. And cute to boot. I really hit the jackpot. I can't believe I got such a good one.

We have our challenges sometimes but gosh, they are resolved with so little effort. It's amazing.

I should not sugarcoat too much though lol. As long as I enforce my boundaries, everything's great. That doesn't mean my husband is completely perfect. He will occasionally say or do something stupid, as will I. No one's perfect. What's great about it is that we just get along so well and we just keep on going. :)

We love watching Rome together. It's that HBO series about ancient Rome. Love it. I'm such a Rome junkie. We're big fans of historical movies. My friend Krisna recently taught us both how to properly headbang while at a hair band gig. That was a blast. She also introduced me to the Four Horsemen. Wow that was fun. :)

I also love not working for ABC Nuts and Bolts anymore. Oh thank you God. I even compulsively eat less. Today I registered for my class and I have a part time job. The one that I blogged about. I'll be doing surveys and can make commission. Perfect.

My little girl is doing better now that the holidays are over. She's a lot happier. So am I. I thought we were going to have serious problems there for a while. She's on this new medication (more of it really) and it's really helping her at school and at home.

Keith Urban has some new music out, my laundry is done and the kitchen is clean. Hallelujah. Everything is wonderful LOL. :)

Laters Y'all.

Yes, I'm aware it's 3am

....but Bacon Bringer's in KC and he's coming home tomorrow morning. I have nothing to do tomorrow but take Munchkin to school (to which she will mightily object, I know), await Bacon Bringer's return, shower, take a nap, put some clothes away, and go apply for this part time job that I think will work well for me and that I'll be good at. It feels right.

Bacon Bringer's been stressing that I'm not moving fast enough to find myself a part time job. Oh Bacon Bringer, you silly wage-earner...you don't know the Big O. Home of the telemarketing industry, the phone job, the joe job, really. All you have to do is go apply at one of those phone places. With a good phone voice and good communication skills, you're a shoo-in. Watch me eat those words tomorrow when I do not get hired.

So the plan is this: work full time until school starts. Save money. Then work part time while I go to school. Bacon Bringer wants me to just get my two year degree and then use that to get another job. I don't think so. I want a four year degree. He doubts my plans about a Liberal Arts degree....says I could more easily make more money with a specialized degree. But that is in conflict with other things I have read...that you do what you love and the money follows, if you want it.

I believe in the latter. I am sick and tired of trying to mold myself into liking a job that just doesn't work for me. I want to find a job that I like. That I will enjoy going to each day or that I just plain won't despise. A job I can sink my teeth into, that I can commit myself to. Once I can find that, the money will follow, I know that.

I took a high school diploma and made that into a job that brought in about the same amount as some college grads end up at. Now if I could do that back when I was really, really sick, and 369 pounds to boot, then I know I can take a liberal arts degree and make it into what I want and need: a job that will easily support me and my daughter whether I'm married or not.

I'm not one of those people who has really expensive dreams. A lot of people want a huge house and an expensive car, great clothes, jewelry, that stuff. My dreams are pretty simple: get college degree, have family, have small cottage-y house with cool little details. And yes, I do mean small. Small but quality. A nice little car that I can take road trips in. Not sure what color, but I really like Hondas. I could do with a Toyota though. :) You get the drift. I'm not a BMW lover or other expensive car lover. I want a simple life, an easy-to-maintain life. A life that leaves me free to travel with my daughter, to get her an education. A life that leaves me free to maintain good quality relationships with other people like my friends and family and my husband.

Success is something that is defined by me.

To me, a high-quality, easily-maintained life that is lived on a pretty even keel would be something I would consider very highly successful. And that life would be on my terms, not someone else's.

Too often in my life, I have defined success through other people's eyes. When I considered what to go to school for, I didn't know what I wanted. I tried to figure out what others wanted. I tried to figure out what would make the most money. Or what would garner the most approval.

No more. I am going to go with my instincts even if others don't approve. Even if my husband doesn't approve, and believe me, he sure doesn't seem to. Which I really find ironic. He will change his mind when he sees me succeed.

Movies
By the way, have you seen Blood Diamond? That film was great. Leo DiCaprio sure has grown up. It really made me question the whole diamond thing. I don't think I want one anymore. Yeah that's right; I still don't have a wedding ring yet. That has turned out to be pretty fortunate because I realized something; I don't want what I thought I wanted. I've been wearing some fakes that I thought were cute and that really helped me decide what I really like. And most people have no idea they're fake so who cares?

And I realized something else. This wedding ring thing has turned out to not be as important to me as I once thought it was. Sure I would like a big rock. But I realized that I want my wedding ring to be more meaningful than that. So I have changed my mind. My husband's birthstone is Alexandrite, which is far more rare than diamonds and far less bloody. It's a very pretty stone. We are going to go with that as the center stone. A bunch of small diamonds will surround that stone. That is the plan. Bacon Bringer's buddy is taking a trip to Pakistan and BB is going to have him look for one.

You know the jewelry industry is absolutely fascinating. I have been reading a lot about different gems and it is amazing. The value of a diamond is completely fabricated and was 'invented' by an elaborate advertising campaign that started in the 30's. Until then, diamonds were not really used in engagement and wedding rings. There is an article that is amazing, 'Have You Ever Tried to Sell a Diamond?' by Edward Jay Epstein. It can be found online with very little digging. That article was extremely informative.

Ok time for bed. I'm getting a little too loquacious now. But man writing sure is fun :)

Five Minutes to Write a Post

I have five minutes to write this post, then I have to go get some Excedrin Migraine and then the child and then the newly-crowned Bacon Bringer.

Today was kind of an off day. I woke up with a humdinger of a caffeine-withdrawal headache. Yikes. Took the wee one to school, got myself some Motrin, went back to bed. Later on I took Bacon Bringer to work and then wandered around a bit. I brought him a sandwich for lunch, then I went to see Twilight at the 1:15 showing...only it turned out that the website had the wrong showing soooo it was 2:15 instead. Shiznit.

I didn't want to wander around the city for so long, so I decided to instead wander the mall. First off - lunch. I snagged a chicken salad sandwich from Arby's and had a seat in the food court. The food court is such a bright, white, and bluish-gray place. There is a lot of light, a lot of white paint, and a lot of bluish-gray tabletops and seats on white frames. It's very noisy over at Westroads Mall. I thought today as I sat chewing my sandwich that I could finally understand why it is that restaurants have those dividers....so that everywhere a diner looks, they won't be staring at someone. Intimacy I suppose.

Lunch couldn't last forever so off I went to wander the mall. I returned a call to a friend of mine and we talked about different things, mostly the Disease and how freaky it is. I apparently had a lot to say and was excited to be talking to a non-family member, as I felt like I was interrupting a lot and not letting her get a world in edge-wise. We talked for around 30 minutes and then it was time for Twilight...and nachos.

They sure did pick the right actor to play that vampire, Edward. Holy lord, he is hot. But not just hot in terms of the pretty-boy hotness. That character's entire package - his deportment, voice, etc., - all of these things add up to a tragically, terrifically hot predator. That is one of those movie characters that you just sit and wish was real. You sit and think, why can't there be guys like that in world? He is too perfect, though, really. That character had no flaws...I'm not sure if he urinates or poops, but I can bet that he would not leave the seat up. Speaking of which, that is one beauty of living with a Muslim. Anyway, that's TMI. Bacon Bringer might be upset if he read that particular divulgance. (Is divulgance a word?)

The silence at home during the day is a little deafening. I'm by myself too much. That hasn't morphed into eating, but I sure don't feel like doing anything, including much eating.

At first it seemed like God had answered my prayers when I walked out of that building on Friday...finally I would be free of the constraints that others have. I could pick and choose my next step...no longer under anyone's thumb...unable to say no to any ridiculous request. No more of that nonsense...that I got paid. for.

That's all fine and dandy but there's one problem...all the people I would like to hang out with during the day work. There are no meetings during the day, either, except on Fridays over in Counciltucky. You can be sure I will be attending that meeting.

I must not slide into depression and loneliness. I can prevent this. I must stay in contact with others. I must keep myself busy. I cannot let this turn into me sleeping too much and eating too much and just doing anything too damned much. I have friends, I have intellect, hobbies, stuff I can do. I just need to find my groove and get into it. It might take some wiggling about.

Then once I'm in my groove, next step is a part time job. A friend of mine told me today that if I'm going to work part time and I have a choice in what I do, then I ought to find something that I love. But I don't love anything that I can get paid for. I love to sing, crochet, read, plan stuff, coach other people...I'm not sure what job that would be.

Oh well, first thing's first. I've been writing too long and won't be able to get migraine meds before I get the munchkin, but that's ok, I'll just take some Motrin.

Anyway, like I was saying, first thing's first. I'm in love with the Twilight series from that film...I will have to find those books.

Next up, plan Munchkin's birthday party...need bracelet kit, invitations, cake mix and frosting, as well as candles. Plus streamers and balloons. And guest list. Ok, maybe the party should come before the books. :)

Third, list my old work clothes on eBay (note to self: need de-fuzzer first).

Fourth, continue doing a great job of taking care of family.

Today's fear is: Hubby finding out I went to a movie. And that dinner will not be all that great because I didn't spend hours on it...it's leftovers.

Shopping: Need bread and raisin bran, plus skim milk. Aldi, here I come.

First Tuesday of Joblessness

Here we are on Tuesday. This is like a never-ending vacation.

Yesterday I worked around the house and took care of stuff left and right. I did tons of laundry, cleaned out my closet, made up bags for donation to Goodwill and kept some items I think I can sell for a couple bucks on eBay. The little one was home sick yesterday so that was fun. She was barfing left and right. No barf today though!

I was looking forward to being home alone today, but no dice. Now Mack is working from home today. I was hoping to just hang out by myself. That would have been nice.

Tonight we are celebrating Eid over at my friend Bouchra's house. We are bringing goat curry, Irish soda bread, and rotis. Guess who's cooking all that stuff? Yes, that's me. This is quite a change from my previous life, where no one wanted to eat anything I cooked lol. I'm looking forward to interaction with people outside of my immediate family. :)

Napoleon said yesterday that he would accept my resignation, so that was good. Hopefully this means I'll receive payment for my unused vacation time.

Well I'd better get this party started. Who knew that , even while unemployed, one can still be quite busy? I have food to make and more laundry to do and get caught up on.

Day Three of Joblessness

The word continues to leak out of me to various people. I told my crazy family not to call me at work anymore since I won't be there. Sister has repeatedly asked me how I left, as she considers it to be so sudden. Well, it is sudden. But how does she know that? We don't live together or even talk that much.

Anyway, maybe I'm selfish, but I keep thinking that she wishes to know for no good reason. If she finds out I was fired, she will be happy and gleefully tell the story of how Insensitive Secretary fucked up to all her 'friends'. No thanks. If I quit, well, that's just not that interesting. I am not willing to tell lies anymore, so I just don't answer her texts. Let her think what she will.

I told my OA friends today that I'm now a housewife, for the time being. I announced it at the meeting today...'If you're working or at home during the day and you're thinking, gee, I'd like to call someone, but everyone's working, dammit! Well, guess what? That's right, call me! I'll be at home allllllllll day." I'm terrified of falling into isolation...and food. Our disease is one of isolation. When we're alone a lot, we can eat without being challenged.

Truthfully, I do feel ashamed of what I did, even though it was innocent. Who could be so stupid? I don't believe that I robbed anyone of their dignity as our little emperor, Napoleon, put it. I was just stupid, and, at the worst moment, at a loss for words.

I have had many moments of emotional discomfort...some crying, but also some moments of just being uncomfortable. Basically, just not being comfortable being alone with myself.

I picked up the house some...prep for my new job, I guess. I have long wanted to get this place really de-cluttered and made into a real home, but have not had the time or energy. Problem solved, I suppose.

I watched the end of 'Get Smart'. Not the best Steve Carrell performance. Then I watched 'Hancock'. Great movie. I loved it. Will Smith is the best. How I adore escapism and superheroes. Especially right now. Netflix will be strutting their stuff for me in the near future.

What will probably happen, methinks, is that I will work part time, and go to school part time, and the Mackistani will pay the bills in the meantime. This should be fun.

What's really funny is that it's only day three and I think I have this all figured out...back in Step three, I gave my life and will over to the care of God as I understood him. Now here I am, once again trying to shortcut the process and decide the outcomes. Right now I hear Dr. Phil in there, 'How's that workin' for ya?'

Which reminds me! I'll be able to watch Oprah now!!!!

Day Two of Being Jobless

It's actually Saturday...do weekend days count?

Weekends mean a lot less to me now that I'm jobless. And this is just day two of joblessness. I mean, when Monday comes, I'm not going to work. I'm going to stay home, clean the house, cook, might go see about getting my glasses fixed before my vision insurance is taken away, and figure out what I'm fixing for dinner. Many things around here need catching up.

Mack and I have decided I am not going to go looking for a job right now. He said I have worked hard and need a rest. (I just had to put his comment in there to once again congratulate myself on finally picking an excellent mate!)For the next two weeks, my new job is to figure out what I want my new job to be. And, of course, making a fresh, awesome dinner every night. My fresh-food-obsessed husband is *really* excited about that.

I'm so looking forward to taking my little one to her appointments and not giving a shit how that will affect anyone. I never have to worry about her royal highness, the receptionist, again. She is out of my picture. I'm looking forward to taking my time with my little one...taking her to her stuff, not having to hurry, sleeping in a little bit. Now I can attend more of her therapy appointments with her as her therapist desired.

A friend of mine at OA works at Marriott. She suggested I check out their jobs. Right now I feel like to take a job that I really don't want could be poison to this opportunity. I don't want to get into an environment where I limit my thoughts on what I can be and do. Right now I have an opportunity few people ever get, and one that I never thought I would have...I am out of the workforce and being given however much time I need to decide what job I want. On top of that, I don't need to make as much money as I previously made.

I'm free.

Free of the shackles of administrative assisting, which I never really liked anyway. Whatever my next job is, it will not be one where my opinion on most issues is considered close to worthless. I do not wish next time to work somewhere where my position is not valued by higher levels of management. In my ex-job, assistants didn't really know much about what the people they worked for were really facing. We were kept out of the loop. We didn't attend any meetings and were not a member of any team, other than the administrative one. In that office, no one was really valued unless they were personally liked by Napoleon.

I cannot help but feel lucky, even though I was fired. My friend the EA, I don't remember her nickname, remarked in wonder yesterday that I sounded kind of glad or happy. I have to admit, once Napoleon was finished yelling at me and shaming me, once he was done making himself feel better, and had walked away, I called Supervisor up and go, 'I'm fired, right? Ok, let's go talk about it in a conference room.' Supervisor even seemed surprised at how upbeat I was.

So we went in the conference room and I explained what it was about, and then said, 'You know, Supervisor, maybe it was just time for me to move on anyway. Would I ever have quit? Probably not.'

Then, 'Tell you what, you guys are going to be just fine. Let's go back to my cube and pack up my stuff. I will show you where everything is and clear off some personal stuff that you won't need. You can stand there and watch and do whatever the company needs you to do.' She said ok and off we went.

I *cheerfully* packed up my stuff. As I packed, I thought about how much stuff I really did *not* have. I had gone on many decluttering binges at my desk, getting rid of whatever wasn't needed so that when I eventually left or was asked to leave, I would not have to carry much. I had really pared it down to just the stuff that I actually would want to keep. I deleted my personal files. Not much lost there. I deleted all the music and of course my pictures, any other personal correspondence that was no one else's business.

When I got home, I just kind of wandered around the house, aimlessly for a while. I didn't know what to do with myself. I still couldn't believe I had been fired. Then I realized how many personal contacts I needed from my Outlook account. And of course all my passwords that were still in Outlook. I knew Supervisor had not yet filed the paperwork to shut off my access to that, so I logged on and worked on saving and deleting personal stuff. That took about an hour. Soon it was time to go get the little one from school and Mackistani from work. Off I went.

I have decided to sell my old office clothes on eBay. I hate them all anyway. I think I would like my next job to be more casual. I definitely do not wish to ever again work somewhere where clothing was considered so vitally important. Anyway, I will certainly need the money.

I think I would like my next job to be part-time. Like 30 hours per week or something. I don't need benefits anyway, for myself, the little one, or Mackistani. Wow, I should really celebrate the fact that I have options. I'm so very lucky.

And free. FREE AS A BIRD!

No Longer a Secretary

Well kids I am done with ABC Nuts and Bolts. I've been fired. Yep, that's right: fired.

What happened was this: a dear coworker was laid off earlier this week. His phones were forwarded to me after we came out of the meeting where they told us about it. His wife called not five minutes after that meeting. I was still in shock and told her while in this fog that he'd been laid off. Yes, stupid, I know.

Well Napoleon was pretty unhappy. I certainly never intended to hurt anyone, though I know that was really stupid. He actually yelled at me while I was in my cube. I don't know if he expected me to defend myself when confronted with this, but I didn't defend myself. I agreed with him regarding everything he said; 'that was really a dumb, dumb move' (yes, you're right, and I regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth). 'Guy worked here 20 years and you tell his wife?' (yes, you're right, that was the wrong thing to do and I wish I could take it back).

And I absolutely meant all that I had said. I knew it was dumb from the moment it happened. I didn't mean to tell anyone. I considered calling the guy and making amends right away. I didn't know if I should. But it was clear today that he must have been upset. So after I talked to SeaBee, I called him right up and made amends. He said it showed a lot of character that I had called and apologized and made my amends. Well, yippy skippy. I wish I'd done it the moment it happened, honestly. Then I wouldn't have been fired.

You know....I'm not a vindictive, spiteful person anymore. I'm just not. I was at one time. But never would I intentionally hurt someone whom I respected that way.

Not working there anymore is scary. It's scary and it's also not scary. I keep thinking...how will I explain being fired? Who would want to hire a person who makes judgment errors like that? Oh lord, now the Mackistani will be paying the bills. That's just great. I guess I can work full time on becoming a software tester and selling stuff on eBay. I won't be able to live the way I want to live now...because I'll have to depend on someone else to pay for everything and I am not going to be going to them and asking them for money all the time.

Next up...it is freeing not to be there anymore. I will miss the people that I worked with. I feel sad that the receptionist will be spreading venom about me all over the place. Many people may have the wrong impression of me due to this. Christine will relish it.

Automaker CEO Says He Will Work for $1/year

To get federal aid.

 

As someone who of course felt that the CEOs of those failing companies should not make so much dang money, I must say that this latest pledge does the cockles of my heart no good.

 

I realized it as I read this article. I expected that if a CEO got paid virtually nothing after asking the government for bailout money, that I would feel, as a citizen and a consumer, vindicated. Nope. You know what went through my mind?

 

SO WHAT? YOU’RE STILL RICH!!!!!!

 

That’s when I realized something.

 

We don’t really care whether they take a paycut or not.

 

It *is* and it *isn’t* about corporate excess.

 

What it’s really about for the average American is revenge.

 

We want all their money taken away. That’s what we want, emotionally speaking. We want THEM to be poor, to pay unreasonable taxes on barely any d*mn money, to have to choose to either pay the rent or take the kid to the doctor, to have to haggle with THEIR bank about when they can pay their car payment. We want THEM to deal with creditors and live on the cusp of homelessness because they just can’t get ahead.

 

That’s what we are FEELING. It’s not logical, that is for sure. Basically, I sense a growing feeling among average Americans that they are being screwed. And there is a growing frustration and anger about it.

 

Just my opinion of course.

 

I’m just a secretary.

Happiness is Just a Curly Fry Away

I saw this at Arby’s the other day while eating….curly fries. I couldn’t wait to get my curly fries and extremely fattening chicken salad sandwich with all kinds of frou frou.

 

Arby’s did not know the full import of that statement for compulsive eaters…

 

When a compulsive eater who is still ‘practicing’ their behaviors has feelings, has sadness, anger, despair, lots of happiness, whatever, her solution is to eat to get rid of those damn feelings. A curly fry would take all of that away in an instant. Unfortunately, there would not be enough curly fries on this planet to forever stave off the unpleasantness of unpleasant feelings or the sense that happy feelings will end disastrously.

Why Not Just Stop Being Part of the Working Poor?

Cause it sure would be nice. My friend suggested that the government helping people is not a solution, but that to stop being part of the working poor is.

You know he's right.

It's far better to stop being 'working poor' than it is to get help from the government. Who the hell wants to be a member of that class, anyway? Not I, my friend.

In fact, no one wants to be. So, then, why is it that there are so many unwilling captives of that class?

Well, basically, it's because it's not that simple to get out of that class. Once you're in, quite often, you get stuck without some help.

Take single moms for example. Never mind how they got that way, that is none of anyone's business. But the fact is that there are a lot of them. Most of them didn't wish to be single moms. And many of them are struggling. They have to work and they have to pay all the bills and then they also must pay for childcare. Many would like to get an education. But they can't; there's no money left over at the end of the day to pay for that as well. Let alone energy. So how do they get ahead? Hard work doesn't do it all. You need a break.

I don't think government can solve every problem and of course, it shouldn't. People have to get motivated, they have to learn to make good decisions. A single mom who's struggling should take steps to save money, she should not increase her family size while things are unstable, she should make good decisions. Same thing goes for a single dad. Or just anyone who's struggling to support their kids.

People who have gotten themselves out of that situation or similiar often tend to forget just how hard it was to get out of it. But for people to sit in judgment of the working poor, to say they shouldn't get any help, is paternalistic. It's just not that simple.

It's not just a math issue. It's a social issue, an education issue. People are far more complicated than that.

Now one could say that we need to leave people alone and let them solve their own problems. But how do you reconcile that with the fact that, these days, the deck is stacked against getting out of poverty? The cost of living is rising, gas is rising, credit is freezing up, people are losing their houses, food costs have risen.

But are wages rising?

No, they are not.

For example, I got a 1% raise last year. Someone recently told me that sometimes you have to give yourself a raise by getting a different job. I would like to get a different job. But I have insurance here and I have a child with significant emotional challenges. There are many appointments to attend for her and I've been here for a while, so my employer has gotten more flexible with me. I also have been awarded more PTO because of my length of employment here. I need those supports in order to raise this child.

And since credit scores count when you are job hunting, my chances of getting another job that actually pays more than this one are slim. My credit sucks. I spent a good part of my life screwing up. Now I'm paying for that. Even so, things are looking up. I'm not *still* making those terrible decisions.

Coming from a crazy family of origin, addled by addiction - That's part of how you get stuck as part of the working poor. You come from a crazy family of origin. It's up to you to overcome it, not something government can really help you with, but by the time you finally do, you've already made some serious messes that takes years to overcome. You didn't go to college because you were all screwed up and had no support. You made bad choices. Your decision making process was all screwed up.

No one wants to be part of the working poor. Most members of that class are doing everything they can to get out of it. They're WORKING but they can't seem to get ahead. If the government wants to promote a strong citizenry, if they want to promote a strong economy, it makes sense to help those people who are working hard and not getting anywhere.

This philosophy of 'it's just too bad, those people should work harder' is a bunch of crap. Sure, it makes people feel good so they don't have to think about all the other people in this world that are suffering. But it's not a philosophy that actually does anything to help the situation.

Help the People, Not the Fat Cats

This is the only place I can really get political. I thought of forwarding this OpEd to my family and friends, who liberally sent me anti-Obama, anti-Muslim vitriol, but no, I can’t. I’m such a coward! I still may, though. Many of them also sent me crap about giving the $700 billion bailout money to consumers, not businesses who f’ed us all over.

 

Oh well, at least I can share this editorial with you.

 

I fully agree with this editorial. I think it’s BS that the Republicans can so freely give my taxpayer money to banks and the auto industry and businesses, but then turn around and pinch pennies when it comes to health care for kids, help for parents of attachment-disordered kids, the ordinary problems of everyday Americans. We should be outraged, but no, we’ve got the working poor voting for Republicans because the Republicans promise to stop ‘gay marriage’ and ‘illegal immigration’; things that don’t even matter to these voters. Keith Olbermann of MSNBC asked a good question the other day – What is it to you? Why do you care about gay marriage or illegal immigration? It hardly affects us.

 

But this economic problem affects every person in the US. Especially us, the working poor. I don’t care about gay marriage; but please help me clothe my child and provide medical care for her if I can’t do it alone. I’m very lucky that I have married. We’re more secure now because of that. But were I still a single mom, I’d be scared out of my wits.

 

Op-Ed Columnist from the New York Times, 11/11/2008

Beyond the Fat Cats

By BOB HERBERT

Published: November 10, 2008

The most important thing the Democrats and President-elect Obama can do with regard to the economy is bring back a sense of fairness and equity.

Bob Herbert

The fat cats who placed the entire economy at risk with their greed and manic irresponsibility are trying to lay claim to every last dime in the national Treasury. Meanwhile, we’re nowhere close to an economic recovery program that will help the people who are hurting most.

Back in September, with the credit markets frozen and the stock markets panicking, the treasury secretary, Henry Paulson, was telling anyone who would listen that his $700 billion bailout package had to be passed with lightning speed — no time to look at it too closely, no time for dissent.

The package was modified, but hurriedly. Now we learn that while all eyes were focused on this enormous new burden for American taxpayers, Mr. Paulson’s department was also engineering — separate and apart from the bailout — what The Washington Post described as “a quiet windfall for U.S. banks. ”

With virtually no public attention, and without the input of Congress, Treasury made a change in an obscure tax provision that benefited banks to the tune of well over $100 billion. Was this good policy? In the absence of proper scrutiny, how is it possible to know?

We’ve also learned that the government bailout of the giant insurer, the American International Group — already more than $100 billion — is apparently insufficient. Tens of billions more are needed.

When the Champagne and caviar crowd is in trouble, there is no conceivable limit to the amount of taxpayer money that can be found, and found quickly.

But when it comes to ordinary citizens in dire situations — those being thrown out of work or forced from their homes by foreclosure or driven into bankruptcy because of illness and a lack of adequate health insurance — well, then we have to start pinching pennies. That’s when it’s time to become fiscally conservative. President Bush even vetoed a bill that would have expanded health insurance coverage for children.

We can find trillions for a foolish war and for pompous, self-righteous high-rollers who wrecked their companies and the economy. But what about the working poor and the young people who are being clobbered in this downturn, battered so badly that they’re all but destitute? Can we find any way to help them?

In an article on Sunday, The Times mentioned a young woman in Philadelphia, Kyuana Everett, who is 21 years old, has a high school diploma and is desperate for work. “I’ve tried everything,” she said, “retail sales, office work, but the employers all say they have too many staff and they’re not hiring now.”

The article noted that Ms. Everett cannot even afford to rent a room for herself. She stays with her grandmother, secretly, in a home for the aged.

This is no ordinary recession. With brokerage houses, banks and a mammoth multinational insurance company depending on the Treasury for resuscitation, and with automakers like General Motors staring bankruptcy in the face, it has the feel of a monster downturn, a recession on steroids.

That kind of downturn buries people at the bottom of the economic ladder. We have an obligation to look out for them as well as for the banks and the A.I.G.’s of the world.

If I could place a message on the desk of the incoming president, it would have just one word: Jobs.

With credit cards maxed out, the stock market in the tank, family savings depleted and home equity evaporating, that weekly or monthly paycheck has never been so important.

Congress and the new administration need to think big — bigger than the stimulus package of $100 billion or so, which is being kicked around. Now is the time for a coast-to-coast “Rebuild America” infrastructure program. Put people to work repairing and rebuilding roads and bridges, decrepit schools and ancient sewer systems. Get the construction industry back on its feet.

And now is the time to get going on candidate Obama’s promise to move the country as close as possible to a system of universal health insurance. Pump the money from that vast project into the economy and get those jobs up and running.

And let’s get some help, quickly, to the families who are suffering most from the housing crisis — the ones trembling and heartbroken in the dark shadow of foreclosure.

The naysayers will claim that all of this is too expensive, that we can’t afford it. Where were they when we invaded Iraq? And how do they feel about the staggering amounts being funneled, with nothing like the proper oversight, to the banks and Wall Street?

Let’s try investing in America and its people for a change, rather than just hurling our billions into the abyss.

 

A Final Thought on Religion

True religion is the life we lead, not the creed we profess.

 

-- Louis Nizer (1902-1994) American Lawyer

 

Why is Islam for Me, Part Two

So I was reading this terrible story about the nine year old girl in Yemen who was married to an adult and whatnot. Apparently this is a big problem in Yemen. Parents will sell their daughters to the highest bidder in marriage. And then these bastards that marry these children actually expect to have sex with these child-brides! Obviously, these men who are marrying girls that young are pedophiles who are using the culture to mask their intentions. 

Let me explain about Aisha. Some fool government official in Yemen explained that since the Prophet married his wife, Aisha, when she was six, but didn't consummate the marriage until later, then how can the Yemeni government raise the age of marriage (currently set at 16 but routinely flouted and not enforced)? 

That official is forgetting something. The Prophet didn't consummate that marriage until later, for one thing. Secondly, that was legal and culturally acceptable at that time. Life spans were far shorter than they are now. Thirdly, it was a different world at that time. Europeans were doing the same thing at that time. It is estimated that the Juliet character in Shakespeare's famous play was probably around 12 years old. Europeans evolved in terms of this issue, people living on the dark continent did not, apparently. 

The other thing that the official forgot is this -- a Muslim woman must give her non-coerced consent in order to be married. Sure, a girl who is constantly nagged by her family will probably give in. Therefore these folks may be following the letter of Islam, but they are not following the spirit of it. They are using semantics to say justify their actions and sell of their children.

Anyway, back to my own story. 

I had many stereotypes to deal with. I had heard all the stories of the Taliban and of Saddam Hussein's rule. They were Muslim. They oppressed women, big time. The Taliban was horrible...making women wear head to toe veils but that certainly was the least of their worries under that extremist, insane government. The Saudis, in my opinion, aren't much better. They have enshrined desert culture and they pervert Islam to justify it. 

Mack told me more about Islam. He is a Quranic Muslim. That means he only does what is in the Quran. He doesn't do many of the things that the self-appointed Muslim priesthood thinks he should. He reads the Quran and interprets it for himself. He suggested that I study the Quran. I wanted to learn, at the very least in order to know my loved one better and understand him. So I started reading about it. I discovered that there is no priesthood in Islam. There are no fancy rituals. Like the 12 steps, Islam is about fostering a direct connection between you and God. No intermediaries. You search out the will of God and you try and follow that will. 

The Prophet is dead. We do not worship the Prophet. We worship God. The Quran has never been altered since it was revealed to the Prophet. Two original copies exist - one is in Turkey and I forget where the other is. They are proof that the Quran has not been altered. It's still in its original text. This is a true miracle of God. Personally, I believe that man has probably corrupted the Bible. 

After reading about Islam, meeting many, many Muslims, praying in the Muslim way, I decided that Islam would be a good religion for me, a good way to express my faith. I like the Muslim belief in charity, the practicality of Islam, the belief in equal rights for women (yes they do believe in that). What was revealed to Muhammad in the Quran was way, way beyond Muhammad's time, and I don't think he could have come up with it himself. I also feel that it closely resembles what Jesus preached - tolerance, equality for all, etc.

So, I haven't been kidnapped. I haven't been brainwashed. I'm not wearing an oppressive set of clothes - not walking around unrecognizable in yards and yards of fabric. If I decide later on to wear hijab, then I will. I haven't finished reading the Quran, though, and I have yet to come upon the passage stating that I need to do this. Mack has told me that the priesthood has 'embellished' the requirements for dress for women; making them the same as in desert cultures and then calling it Islam. We'll see. 

Most importantly, I have a faith that works for me. To me, that is the function of religion.